What is grief actually like? A Slate survey.

A study of bereavement.
March 24 2011 4:48 PM

What Is Grief Actually Like?

Participate in Slate's survey about mourning and loss.

Take an anonymous survey about grieving here. We encourage anyone who has experienced grief following a death to take it, whether or not you feel that you had a particularly acute response to loss.

What is grief actually like? This is what I began to wonder after my mother died, at Christmas of 2008, after living with colorectal cancer for two-and-a-half years. She was 55 and I was 32. Few of my friends had lost parents or close loved ones. In the first months, I felt adrift, confused about how long I could expect to feel the way I felt, concerned that what I was experiencing wasn't "normal"—whatever that meant. Sometimes I was extremely sad; at other times I found I was tired or had trouble concentrating. Grief didn't look like the wailing or incessant sorrow I saw on TV; I still laughed, enjoyed movies—but at the same time I found myself trying to make my way through a world that seemed newly alien to me. I wrote about my experiences in a series for Slate, which became the seed for a book about grief, The Long Goodbye, to be published this April by Riverhead Books.

1_123125_2255073_2281014_2289107_110322_poll_grave

Recently, I talked to Dr. Leeat Granek, a critical health psychologist and researcher who studies grief and loss. She also lost her mother to cancer, in 2006, when Leeat was 25 and her mother was 53. We quickly realized that not only did we share the unfortunate role of grieving daughters, we also shared a curiosity about what grief is really like for other mourners. Leeat said, "When my mom died, I couldn't ride two subway stops without sobbing. I knew it was going to hurt, but I didn't know it was going to devastate me. The year after she died, I turned my attention to studying grief and discovered that there's a lot we still don't know about what this experience is like for people."

We decided to team up and ask you, our Slate readers, to tell us more about what grief is actually like. We share a belief that it will help all of us understand this human experience better if we can hear more stories from mourners themselves, in their own words.

If you have experienced a loss, please take our survey. Fill out as much or as little as you like. Your responses will be anonymous. In April, we'll write up what we learn about what helped or hurt you as you mourned.

...............................................................................—Meghan O'Rourke

Meghan O'Rourke is Slate's culture critic and an advisory editor. She was previously an editor at The New Yorker. The Long Goodbye, a memoir about her mother's death, is now out in paperback.

Dr. Leeat Granek is a critical health psychologist and researcher who studies grief and loss.

TODAY IN SLATE

Medical Examiner

The Most Terrifying Thing About Ebola 

The disease threatens humanity by preying on humanity.

I Bought the Huge iPhone. I’m Already Thinking of Returning It.

Scotland Is Just the Beginning. Expect More Political Earthquakes in Europe.

Students Aren’t Going to College Football Games as Much Anymore

And schools are getting worried.

Two Damn Good, Very Different Movies About Soldiers Returning From War

The XX Factor

Lifetime Didn’t Think the Steubenville Rape Case Was Dramatic Enough

So they added a little self-immolation.

Politics

Blacks Don’t Have a Corporal Punishment Problem

Americans do. But when blacks exhibit the same behaviors as others, it becomes part of a greater black pathology. 

Why a Sketch of Chelsea Manning Is Stirring Up Controversy

How Worried Should Poland, the Baltic States, and Georgia Be About a Russian Invasion?

Trending News Channel
Sept. 19 2014 1:11 PM Watch Flashes of Lightning Created in a Lab  
  News & Politics
Weigel
Sept. 20 2014 11:13 AM -30-
  Business
Business Insider
Sept. 20 2014 6:30 AM The Man Making Bill Gates Richer
  Life
Quora
Sept. 20 2014 7:27 AM How Do Plants Grow Aboard the International Space Station?
  Double X
The XX Factor
Sept. 19 2014 4:58 PM Steubenville Gets the Lifetime Treatment (And a Cheerleader Erupts Into Flames)
  Slate Plus
Slate Picks
Sept. 19 2014 12:00 PM What Happened at Slate This Week? The Slatest editor tells us to read well-informed skepticism, media criticism, and more.
  Arts
Brow Beat
Sept. 20 2014 3:21 PM “The More You Know (About Black People)” Uses Very Funny PSAs to Condemn Black Stereotypes
  Technology
Future Tense
Sept. 19 2014 6:31 PM The One Big Problem With the Enormous New iPhone
  Health & Science
Bad Astronomy
Sept. 20 2014 7:00 AM The Shaggy Sun
  Sports
Sports Nut
Sept. 18 2014 11:42 AM Grandmaster Clash One of the most amazing feats in chess history just happened, and no one noticed.