Denying my son birthday presents.

Snapshots of life at home.
Feb. 2 2006 7:07 AM

Spartan Mom

Denying my son birthday presents.

Download the MP3 audio version of this story here, or sign up for Slate's free daily podcast on iTunes.

Illustration by Robert Neubecker.
Click image to expand.

Parents who preach parsimony lost the upper hand long ago—especially when it comes to birthday parties. Last month, the Washington Post Magazine reported at length about the Great Zucchini, a local children's entertainer who charges $300 to amuse kids for 35 minutes. When he got tired of doing eight shows a weekend, the Great Zucchini raised his price from $175 a pop in hopes of winnowing his clientele—to no avail. The sky seems to be the limit for upper-middle-class parents who prefer to do just about anything other than organize pin the tail on the donkey. "If you did that, you'd be talked about," said one mother in northwest D.C., where my family lives. When comments like that abound, it's easy to get outraged. And so the Spartan backlash begins.

Emily Bazelon Emily Bazelon

Emily Bazelon is a staff writer at the New York Times Magazine and the author of Sticks and Stones

My husband Paul and I don't measure up as real purists. He can't go into a toy store without bringing home a new board game, and I'm far too willing to dole out dessert. But there are certain core Spartan practices that we have adopted and acquired an undeserved sense of moral superiority about. No sugared cereal. No soda. No TV or DVDs during the week. No weapons or gazillion plastic action figures (or at least, as few as we can manage). Which brings me to our son Eli's birthday.

Advertisement

Three years ago, I called a friend in the midst of planning the party for Eli's third birthday to bemoan all the plastic bounty that he was about to receive. My friend lives in central Vermont (a hotbed of Spartanism) and she had a solution: a book swap. Ask each child to bring a book instead of a gift, she suggested, and they can exchange the books with each other and Eli at the end of the party. Everyone goes home happy. Eli would be too young to know the difference. "Plus, this way, you don't have to do goodie bags if you don't want to," she added. That clinched it. I hate goodie bags.

We did a book swap at Eli's 3rd birthday party and at his 4th and 5th ones, too. Over time, we've refined our technique (here are some pointers for the curious). No kid has ever taunted Eli for being deprived, though a few parents have expressed doubt about our great wisdom. ("Doesn't he feel like he's being cheated?" they ask, with a scandalized glance in Eli's direction.) We breezily assured them that Eli wasn't suffering. He didn't seem to be. He didn't even complain.

Until this year. At 5 going on 6, Eli has enough birthday parties under his belt to have wised up. He has seen the loot. In the last few months, when the subject of his birthday came up, he firmly announced that he was "getting my presents."

While Eli has grown disenchanted with the book swap, Paul and I have grown fonder of it. As the piles of broken plastic somehow continue to accumulate in our household, the book swap has become one of the central tenets of our Spartan cult of two. Still, we've read enough parenting books to know that forcing a book swap on Eli could trigger a mutiny. A week or two before his birthday party, we were talking after dinner about what to put in the invitation to his 23 classmates and a few other friends. (The prevailing party ethos at our public elementary school is to invite the whole class.) Looking at Eli with my best here-goes-nothing gaze, I delicately broached the book swap.

"No, No, No, NO," Eli said. "NO BOOK SWAP!" He took a wide stance, furrowed his brow, and looked up at us. I looked at Paul. He was scowling back. The rumble was on.

"Why not?" I asked, stupidly.

"Because I WANT PRESENTS," Eli answered, in a good imitation of the TV brats he gets to watch on the weekend.

"You don't need 25 presents," Paul said. "You just had Hanukkah. You got a present every night." (When the Spartan ethos clashes with Jewish insecurity over Christmas, it loses out.)

TODAY IN SLATE

History

The Self-Made Man

The story of America’s most pliable, pernicious, irrepressible myth.

Michigan’s Tradition of Football “Toughness” Needs to Go—Starting With Coach Hoke

Does Your Child Have “Sluggish Cognitive Tempo”? Or Is That Just a Disorder Made Up to Scare You?

The First Case of Ebola in America Has Been Diagnosed in Dallas

Windows 8 Was So Bad That Microsoft Will Skip Straight to Windows 10

Politics

Mad About Modi


Why the controversial Indian prime minister drew 19,000 cheering fans to Madison Square Garden.


Building a Better Workplace

You Deserve a Pre-cation

The smartest job perk you’ve never heard of.

Don’t Panic! The U.S. Already Stops Ebola and Similar Diseases From Spreading. Here’s How.

Parents, Get Your Teenage Daughters the IUD

The XX Factor
Sept. 30 2014 12:34 PM Parents, Get Your Teenage Daughters the IUD
  News & Politics
Politics
Sept. 30 2014 6:59 PM The Democrats’ War at Home Can the president’s party defend itself from the president’s foreign policy blunders?
  Business
Moneybox
Sept. 30 2014 7:02 PM At Long Last, eBay Sets PayPal Free
  Life
Gaming
Sept. 30 2014 7:35 PM Who Owns Scrabble’s Word List? Hasbro says the list of playable words belongs to the company. Players beg to differ.
  Double X
The XX Factor
Sept. 30 2014 12:34 PM Parents, Get Your Teenage Daughters the IUD
  Slate Plus
Behind the Scenes
Sept. 30 2014 3:21 PM Meet Jordan Weissmann Five questions with Slate’s senior business and economics correspondent.
  Arts
Brow Beat
Sept. 30 2014 4:45 PM Steven Soderbergh Is Doing Some Next-Level Work on The Knick
  Technology
Future Tense
Sept. 30 2014 7:00 PM There’s Going to Be a Live-Action Tetris Movie for Some Reason
  Health & Science
Medical Examiner
Sept. 30 2014 6:44 PM Ebola Was Already Here How the United States contains deadly hemorrhagic fevers.
  Sports
Sports Nut
Sept. 30 2014 5:54 PM Goodbye, Tough Guy It’s time for Michigan to fire its toughness-obsessed coach, Brady Hoke.