Notes on the theory and practice of the shandy, the michelada, and 10 other beer adulterations.

The skip and go naked is a punch traditionally made with thinly fizzing domestic lager, frozen lemonade, and gin or vodka—or gin and vodka—plus whatever else at hand looks good. When made with pink lemonade, the skip and go naked is known as The Pink Panty Dropper. Its most evocative cognomen is The Porchcrawler—one unhyphenated word, with the crunch of consonants enhancing its cinematic imagery. You can feel the floor beams creaking under your knees.

The skip and go naked has been in circulation since at least the mid-1960s, when a Rochester, N.Y., rock group called The Invictas was distinguishing itself as the great upstate bar-band of the first garage-rock era. The lyrics for “Skip ‘N Go Naked,” a reunion-tour ditty, memorialize the band’s golden days:

In the back seat of my car,
The windows got steamed up.
The cops knocked on the door,
Said, “Get your clothes back on”
We blamed it on our drinking.

I enthusiastically recommend this reader-submitted Epicurious recipe for the pink panty dropper. (“If it's hot, you're low on cash, and want to have a lot of fun, this is the answer!”) The recipe below represents a pastiche of wisdom from it and the following websites: DrunkInCollege.com, AskMen.com, Food.com, CoedMagazine.com, GroupRecipes.com, and Boozemixer.com. I am especially inclined to credit the Boozemixer recipe on account of the author’s academic credentials and the extracurricular expertise they imply: “drink recipe by: CSU Chico Student.”

Best made in big batches, this is a great alternative to Jungle Juice.

Start with a CLEAN 5-gallon bucket of some sort. Seriously, anything.

Mix four cans of frozen pink-lemonade concentrate with the cheapest handle of 80-proof vodka available.

Pour in a case of canned beer. Get the worst beer you can. Pabst Blue Ribbon (PBR) and Miller Genuine Draft (MGD) are always good here because they’re watery. Cheap Canadian beers are even better. You could also step things up and substitute a 30 pack of Natty Ice.

It's rather unavoidable that there will be a LOT of head from all that beer, but it will go down after a while. Also, don't be concerned about the beer going flat as the day goes on. You won't be able to notice.

Be in a safe place. Toss some ice in a glass or clear plastic cup and drink responsibly!

Determined to invent an upscale version of this drink, I walked into my regular place and asked for something like a Tom Collins, but topped with beer instead of soda water. The bartender and I tinkered our way into using Cherry Heering, the brandy-based Danish liqueur, as the sweetener. Its dark-cherry ripeness was divine.

The drink was a winner, but the problem was what to call it. There is no dignity in requesting a Skip and Go Naked Cocktail, and my whole point had been to concoct an adult beverage that a real live adult might actually order. Obviously, we couldn’t call it the Pink Panty Dropper Cocktail, either, because the finished drink is not so much pink as puce. So ladies and gentlemen, as a matter of default, with a measure of pride, I give you (11) Slate’s Porchcrawler Cocktail.

Boom: A porchcrawler cocktail is wrought with 2 ounces gin, ¾ ounce fresh lemon juice, ¾ ounce Cherry Heering, and ¼ ounce simple syrup. Shake these with ice. Strain this into a chilled Collins glass filled ¾ with ice. Top with cold wheat beer—ideally a Bavarian crystal wheat.

Whatever success you have crawling from the porch to the place you’re supposed to be sleeping, you’re going to be sleeping, eventually, after a few of these. And when you wake up (as you probably will), you’ll want a (12) Black Velvet.

The black velvet originated, according to legend, to mourn the 1861 death of Prince Albert, and it is the perfect balm for your hangover. Its excellence is a matter not only of its texture—Guinness and Champers combined to soul-soothing effect—but also of its process. There will be a LOT of head on this cocktail unless you pour these liquids very carefully. Forcing yourself to concentrate on the task will prove a restorative exercise. This is the new morning in America: The most elegant of the beer cocktails draws a cool curtain against the day’s punishing heat and the night’s punishing excess.