Watching pampered movie actors presenting each other with awards and blowing hot air up each other's skirts is borderline unbearable. I alleviated the proctology by inaugurating my own system of awards.
The chic-est girl-of-the-night-award: Amy Adams in her clingy high-necked L'Wren Scott and giant Cartier bauble and bracelet. It was an old-school Lauren Bacall moment.
Gwynny also looked pretty good in that silver Calvin Klein number.
The spiffiest bloke-of-the-night-award: Russell Brand in his matchy black was the only standout in a sea of conventional tuxes.
The great-but-so-high-fashion-it-will-definitely-get-pilloried-by-Joan-Rivers award: Cate Blanchett in her strangely fabulous Givenchy.
The old-broad-still-rocking-it award: Sharon Stone in her feather-trimmed whoever-that-was.
The you're-much-too-young-to-look-so-conventional award: Jennifer Lawrence channeling Angie Dickinson circa 1980 in her unimpeachable Calvin Klein sheath.
The maybe-my-boobs-are-tattooed award: Delicious Mila Kunis in her lacey Elie Saab.
The rocking-a-new-look award: Oddly tousled Scarlett Johansson in her cranberry backless lace Dolce and Gabbana.
The F-YOU award: Florence Welch looking defiantly hip and gorgeously dégagé in her Valentino.
Jack on Will and Grace always maintained that good acting was only a function of good hair. Et voila! The niftiest-coiffure award: a tie between Michelle Williams, channeling Jean Seberg, and Cate Blanchett channeling Andy Warhol.
The dared-to-wear-Dior award: Nicole Kidman, fabulously oblivious to the raging John Galliano scandal fou in her strapless bejeweled couture number.
See you next year!