Watching pampered movie actors presenting each other with awards and blowing hot air up each other's skirts is borderline unbearable. I alleviated the proctology by inaugurating my own system of awards.
The chic-est girl-of-the-night-award: Amy Adams in her clingy high-necked L'Wren Scott and giant Cartier bauble and bracelet. It was an old-school Lauren Bacall moment.
Gwynny also looked pretty good in that silver Calvin Klein number.
The spiffiest bloke-of-the-night-award: Russell Brand in his matchy black was the only standout in a sea of conventional tuxes.
The great-but-so-high-fashion-it-will-definitely-get-pilloried-by-Joan-Rivers award: Cate Blanchett in her strangely fabulous Givenchy.
The old-broad-still-rocking-it award: Sharon Stone in her feather-trimmed whoever-that-was.
The you're-much-too-young-to-look-so-conventional award: Jennifer Lawrence channeling Angie Dickinson circa 1980 in her unimpeachable Calvin Klein sheath.
The maybe-my-boobs-are-tattooed award: Delicious Mila Kunis in her lacey Elie Saab.