Get Dear Prudence delivered to your inbox each week by signing up in the box below. Please send your questions for publication to prudence@slate.com. (Questions may be edited.)
Got a burning question for Prudie? Submit your questions and comments here before or during the next live discussion at noon on Wednesday, July 5, after the holiday.
Readers! Ask me your questions on the voicemail of the Dear Prudence podcast. Just leave a message at 401-371-DEAR (3327), and you may hear your question answered on a future episode of the show.
Dear Prudence,
I need counsel on how to deal with a persistently creepy colleague in the arts community who styles himself my “fan.” Happily, I don’t have to see him daily, but he sends me regular (unanswered!) emails and messages that make my skin crawl. Part of the trouble is that they aren’t exactly creepy stalker emails; he is trying to make it seem like an ongoing, two-sided conversation and an appeal to our shared artistic interests—and there are people in our circle who seem fine with him.
Recently, he has begun to use my professional achievements as pretexts to make contact and seems to be trying to force a response. For instance, after congratulating me in person for a promotion in a sexist way, he sent me a lengthy email explaining why he was perfectly in the right. (I had never mentioned my pique to him; in fact, I seldom engage with him in any way.) Here’s a sample:
I suppose I imagined that I am (and here I’ll cautiously opt for a term conveying banality) a “fan.” I don’t think I’ve ever hidden my interest or admiration. Besides finding myself particularly susceptible to your beauty, our conversations (though very infrequent) always feel light and pleasing—delightful, in the mildest of terms. Of course, as human beings, I know we are all rather awful in one way or another, and that will be as true of you as me or anyone else … and considering that, in our vulnerability and foolishness we so frequently misrepresent ourselves and misrepresent others (I am certainly guilty of all too often seeing and then unfairly concentrating upon the negative shadows of self that others attempt to hide) given that I know how difficult communication is at the best of times, I should probably have simply called you by your first name.
Prudie, I just want you to give me a screed to send to this guy! If you don’t think I should respond in that way (or in any way), though, I would be grateful for your thoughts.
—Not a Fan
I think it’s fine to respond! It sounds like previously your strategy has been to offer a polite brushoff (the weak smile, the nervous laugh followed by the quick exit, the never-answered email), and he hasn’t gotten the hint, so go ahead and tell him straight out that you don’t appreciate his flowery come-ons. It might feel tempting to come up with a really withering put-down that punctures every last one of his ridiculous pretensions, but I think the more generic and inert your response, the better. He’s developed a fantasy relationship with you in his head, and he’s not going to let go once he feels like he’s gotten a taste of your intellectual engagement, even if it’s only to tear him down. An email that matches one of his in terms of length and intensity would frankly delight him—he’s a real Pepé Le Pew type, and I have no doubt he would call you “fiery” or “feisty” and redouble his efforts to win you over if you spent much time on a screed. Be clear, but boring: “I’m not interested in getting more emails from you along these lines. Please stop.”
The likeliest response to this, by the way, will be something along the lines of, “My lady, I am shocked, shocked that you interpreted my profound appreciation for your work and your personal charms in any way as a come-on. You and I are above such terms—we meet as Dante and Beatrice do, in Paradise. Allow me to explain/justify/further trespass upon your patience and time.” This is nonsense, of course, and is solely to help him save face. Feel free to ignore it. He’s not a co-worker you have to get along with, he’s not someone who might hire you someday—he’s just a time-waster and a boor who happens to work vaguely in the same corner of the professional world as you do. Set his emails to auto-delete and feel free to snub him at parties (“Excuse me, I see someone I’ve got to speak with; have a great evening”). Turn down his attempts to engage you in conversation. Say no. Excuse yourself and walk away from him. You say he makes your skin crawl, which suggests he’s been getting away with pretty next-level rudeness and overfamiliarity for an awfully long time. Allow yourself to be merely mildly rude in return.
* * *
Dear Prudence,
I used to be very porn-positive before having children. After giving birth it was like a switch was flipped, and I went from enjoying it to being disgusted by it. So now I just don’t watch it, but it’s bleeding into my feelings about my husband’s relationship with it. It makes me tremble and turns my stomach, and I’m constantly in fear of stumbling upon him while he’s watching it. I know that the problem is mine, that I have to change my own reaction and can’t change his consumption, so how do I begin to do that?
—Suddenly Porn-Negative
I think that you should go a little bit easier on yourself! That’s not to say you should give in to these stomach-turning impulses, merely that you should give yourself credit for being aware that this sudden change is not wholly rational. You seem to be doing your best under a series of circumstances that are more than a little bewildering and seemingly outside of your control. It’s worth remembering (as I’m sure you are no doubt aware) that pregnancy brings with it a whole host of physical and hormonal changes, many of them jarring and unexpected, not all of which immediately resolve themselves after childbirth. With regards to the porn thing—I don’t think it’s at all unfair to say, “Darling, beloved, father of my child, I am feeling unusually distressed and sensitive to the prospect of accidentally walking in on you watching porn. I do not think I will feel this way for the rest of my life, and I’m aware that it’s not a very conscious reaction, so as a gesture of appreciation for me, I’d really appreciate it if you would be extra careful about covering your tracks and being discreet for the time being. It would mean a lot to me and make me feel loved, and I thank you for it.”
If in addition to the thing itself, if part of what you require right now is a little (or even more than a little) extra reassurance from your husband that he loves you, desires you, and is committed to you, then you can and should ask for that too.
* * *
Dear Prudence,
My husband and I are expecting our first baby and are happy to share the news with family and friends, but not the world at large. My husband has an unbalanced ex-wife who stalked both of us while we were dating until we got a restraining order—which she violated when she showed up at our wedding uninvited in a white dress. She found out where the ceremony was by sending friend requests to our older, less tech-savvy relatives and getting the details from them. We have since moved states and jobs, and haven’t heard from her in two years, but I am still terrified. She was childless and delusional, and I still have nightmares about waking up to an empty crib or being attacked.
My problem is my mother, who posts everything on Facebook, including my pregnancy announcement. She deleted it after I freaked out, but she’s unhappy with my general policy of me not wanting to post anything online about my as-yet-unborn child. I plan to mail physical photos of my baby to our family and close friends when the time comes, but my mother brings up all of her friends who posts photos online of their grandchildren all the time. She says I am worried over nothing and it’s draining to argue with her. My husband is ready to ban her from visiting altogether, but I want my mom with me when my baby is born. How can I get this across to her?
—Pregnancy Pause
Your trepidation is understandable, and what you’re asking of your mother is not especially difficult. Slightly out of the ordinary for her peer group, perhaps, but not so restrictive that it makes it impossible for her to engage in and enjoy having a grandchild. Since arguing hasn’t worked with your mother, I suggest you merely explain, in the simplest possible terms, what you require of her: “I know you don’t agree that there’s a serious risk in posting pictures of our child online. I’m not asking you to agree with me. Based on the fact that this woman has, in the past, used our relatives’ social media accounts in order to find and harass my husband and me, I don’t feel safe sharing pictures of our child online. This may not be possible forever, but at least for right now, we have a firm no-Facebook policy when it comes to baby photos. You don’t have to approve of our decision, but you do have to respect it. If you can’t agree to that, then I can’t share photos of my child with you. Is being able to upload a photo album to Facebook really that important to you?”
For what it’s worth, I hope you are able to see a therapist if you are still experiencing nightmares about this woman on a regular basis. You may be suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder, and help is available for managing your symptoms. That’s not to say you need to (or even will be able to!) simply “get over” what you went through, but that there’s a balance to be struck between reasonable caution and constant, gut-wrenching panic. The former can help keep you safe. The latter will hurt you.
* * *
Dear Prudence,
When I was 10 years old, my younger sister and I were molested by an older boy whose family was good friends with ours. I didn’t tell my parents and suffered intense guilt for years, believing it was my fault. My sister found the courage to tell our parents five years later. Our church community didn’t believe us—until that boy tried to rape the pastor’s teenage daughter later. He went to jail and we moved on with our lives. One month ago Facebook suggested this same man as a possible friend on the “People you may know section.” Morbidly curious, I click on his page, which wasn’t set to private, and I saw pictures of him with the girl he is dating, along with her young son.
Do I send this woman a Facebook message and tell her what happened? She will probably think I am some crazy person making up lies. But I would absolutely want to know if my own boyfriend had a history of molesting children, especially if I had a child of my own. I don’t plan on following this guy for the rest of his life and warning prospective girlfriends, but now that I know what I know, I don’t want her innocent child to go through what my sister and I did. We survived and turned out OK, but this little boy may not be so lucky. What do I do?
—Do I Warn Her?
There’s a case to be made for letting someone who has served his time attempt to move on with his life after paying his debt to society. However, there are several mitigating factors here that incline me to agree you should tell his girlfriend. First, you’re not attempting to disrupt this man’s ability to make a living or find affordable housing (which might increase the likelihood of his reoffending). Second, your abuser was a repeat offender, and was only caught after attempting to rape at the very least a third victim. Third, you don’t have to provide a stranger with personal information about your own abuse—you can simply send her a link to an article about his arrest and conviction, although if you want to share your own experience with her, you certainly can. Whether or not she decides to stay with him in light of the information you provide her with is up to her.
You are not trying to force anyone to do anything, and with those conditions in place, I can understand why you might feel led to speak up. You should of course prepare yourself for the possibility of either no response or a negative response from her, and do your best to act without regard for the outcome. Whether you say anything or not, I think it’s also a good idea to pre-emptively block your abuser on Facebook so that you don’t have to worry about his face popping up as a suggestion in your feed again.
* * *
Dear Prudence,
My partner and I got together last July. We were very much in love and seemed to be a good long-term fit for one another’s lives. They were sensitive, kind, and witty, which was a winning combination for me. However, in recent months they have been increasingly irritable and critical. I’m very uncomfortable with angry behavior, in large part due to childhood trauma, which my partner is aware of. It seems like they are always unhappy, and nothing I do makes a difference.
My partner is very concerned with order—they don’t like dishes in the sink, and everything has to be spotless, with every tiny little thing in place, at all times. I’m admittedly bad at remembering such things, but no matter how hard I try to improve, it doesn’t seem like enough. My partner is often critical and accusatory, and I rarely see any behavior from them that makes me feel loved. It seems my partner thinks that providing materially (home-cooked meals, supplies for a hobby I enjoy, taking trips, etc.) means I should have no reason to be unhappy. I do appreciate these things, but I don’t feel connected to my partner anymore. We’ve talked about this many times and I don’t seem to get anywhere with them. It makes me feel neglected and unheard. I’m wondering if it’s something either of us is doing wrong, or if perhaps we’re just not as right for one another as we initially thought. Is it time to end this one?
—Is My Relationship Over?
I can’t think of a single reason for you to stay in this relationship. You’ve barely been together a year, and already you feel neglected, unheard, unappreciated, disconnected, and ignored. Worse still, you’ve told your partner this repeatedly and gotten nowhere. You ask if “either of us is doing wrong,” and the answer seems pretty clear: yes. Your partner doesn’t think you’re “allowed” to be unhappy as long as they keep you fed and stocked with knitting supplies. They might have been delightful last July, but it doesn’t sound like they’re able to keep up the “sensitive, kind, and witty” act for longer than a few months. Normally when I get a letter like this, there’s a little more ambiguity involved—maybe they’ve been involved for 15 years and don’t want to walk away from a lifetime of memories, or have children together, or have more good times to contrast with the current difficult period, but that’s not the case here. I’m not sure why you’re torn about dumping this person.
Everyone is capable of acting badly under stress, but the kind of partner who’s worth keeping around will actually seek to connect with you more and better during difficult times. They won’t just see you as a convenient outlet for all their frustrations and unmet expectations. Look for someone who treats you well and respects your feelings even when things get tough. That person definitely isn’t your partner.
* * *
Dear Prudence,
Last year, a cousin contacted me out of the blue while I was doing genealogical research. We exchanged addresses, emails, pictures, and documents, helping me to break down the brick wall I’d run into and trace our family all the way back. I eagerly told my family about this new cousin, and they were excited to see the family pictures she sent. I suggested that we get together so we could exchange stories and she could meet everyone. She replied and suggested to try this summer. I sent emails trying to coordinate time, place (she lives in another state), and whose hometown. No reply. A few months ago, all communication stopped. I sent her emails asking if she was OK, what was going on, and if she still wanted to keep communicating. Silence. I’ve never had this experience before in meeting new relatives, only to have them disappear. Was I “ghosted” by a relative?
—Suddenly Abandoned
Yes. I’m sorry. I have no idea why. Maybe she was hit by a car and has spent weeks in the hospital recuperating; maybe something painful and unexpected come up in her personal life and she’s been inordinately distracted; maybe you said something that mortally offended her. Maybe she has an excellent reason, or maybe she had no reason at all. But you have definitely been ghosted—I can categorically confirm that much—and you will have to move on under the assumption that you will not hear from her again. Try not to take it to heart.
Discuss this column with Dear Prudence on her Facebook page!
More Dear Prudence Columns
“Baby, Bumped: My husband refuses to have sex with me while I’m pregnant.”
“How Sweet It Almost Was: The man I loved for years has admitted he loved me too—but now we’re married to other people.”
“Try, Try Again: I haven’t been able to have a second child, but my husband won’t give up.”
“The Silent Sexuality: I’m bisexual, but my wife doesn’t want me to talk about it.”
More Dear Prudence Chat Transcripts
“All Dogs Go to Heaven Anyway: Prudie advises a letter writer whose husband shot the neighbor’s dogs.”
“Lost to Lust: Prudie advises a woman who kicked her husband out for masturbating to a friend’s photo.”
“Swipe Wrong: Prudie advises a woman who hasn’t told her Tinder fling-turned-boyfriend that she has a child.”
“Thumbs Down: Prudie counsels a letter writer whose husband won’t stop picking up hitchhikers.”
