Dear Prudence

Three Pigs

My brother-in-law set me up to be sexually assaulted by his friend, and my husband doesn’t care.

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Dear Prudence,
My husband and I have been married eight years. He works with his brother—they’re pretty close, although they’ve drifted apart over the years thanks to his brother’s hard-partying lifestyle. (My husband and I have a family.) Before we got married, my husband and I had an on-again/off-again relationship. During one of those times, his brother and I remained good friends, and he set me up with a co-worker of his. This co-worker ended up drugging and raping me. It took me a long time to accept that this happened, and I never filed charges. We had been dating for a few months; I’d met his mom and daughter, we’d been intimate many times. It just didn’t make sense.

Now, years later, my husband tells me he overheard his brother bragging to guys on their crew about how his friend would date a girl, then drug her and videotape himself raping her to show others. He also informs me he’d seen this tape of his previous assaults many years ago (his brother had a copy) and never told me. For years I wanted to believe my brother-in-law didn’t know his friend was going to hurt me. Now knowing he practically orchestrated it is tearing me up. The fact that my husband saw this video years ago and never told me has been a crushing blow.

I want to confront my brother-in-law so much and being around him at get-togethers is painful. The problem is he has spiraled in these years from playboy to drug addict and is increasingly self-destructive. If by confronting him I tip him into an overdose, not only would that cause me more pain, I don’t know what would happen between my husband and me. That’s my other problem. This puts my husband in a very tangled middle. I want him to do something but then I don’t know what to expect from him. He carries on like nothing has happened and when I told him it makes me feel worthless that someone can do this to me and not even be confronted, he responds that I’m not going to put a wedge between him and his brother. What should I do?

—Not So Secret

I am so sorry that you have been assaulted and betrayed by not one but three men you believed you could trust. Your husband is not in the “very tangled middle” of anything. He and his brother have both known for years that the man who drugged and raped you is a habitual, unrepentant predator who makes a habit of recording and boasting about his crimes, and neither of them have done anything either to protect you or to prevent him from raping again. That he would accuse you now of trying to drive a wedge in between him and his brother by objecting to his continued silence beggars belief. Moreover, if you spoke to your brother-in-law you would not be in any way responsible if he were to later overdose. What your husband and his brother have done is so far beyond the pale of acceptable human behavior that any sort of reconciliation is not only impossible, it’s undesirable. You should not have to spend another night in the same house as a man who saw a video of your rapist’s assaults, knows the same thing later happened to you, and said nothing until now. Your husband is not a good man. His brother is not a good man. Neither one of them deserve your love or your trust. They are not the men you thought they were.

I imagine that right now you must feel disoriented and completely without support. Please consider seeing a therapist who specializes in sexual assault and trauma. You deserve the chance to talk about this with someone who doesn’t try to convince you to “get over it” or keep the peace in the family. Then, at some point you can decide if and how you’d like to contact any authorities (it’s possible you would not be the first to say something, should you choose to). If you need to speak to someone now, or anytime, please call the National Sexual Assault Hotline (1-800-656-HOPE)—it’s free and confidential.

* * *

Dear Prudence,
I was born on the same day at the same hospital as a woman who has now been in my social circle for 28 years, though we are not particularly close. This has always posed a logistical problem when we try to celebrate. We either plan separate birthday parties (which is inconsiderate toward friends who have to choose), or plan an event together (which isn’t fun for me because she has five siblings who make a big deal about her gifts and her cake while my family is smaller and doesn’t get all that excited about birthdays).

This year I am particularly unhappy because, for the second time, I have received an invitation to a surprise birthday party for the other woman thrown by her sisters. I am very upset at the thought of spending my birthday at a party being thrown exclusively for someone else, and last time I attended her surprise birthday party I left early and cried on the drive home because it made me feel so overlooked. These feelings have been building since elementary school when her mother would bring birthday cake and balloons to school, and our birthday was completely focused on her. I can’t throw my own party that day without putting our mutual friends in an awkward position. I am wondering, do I need to gracefully accept the invitation and grin and bear it, or can I tell her sisters I am not coming because I don’t enjoy going to someone else’s birthday party on my birthday? If her birthday were any other day, I would happily celebrate with her, as I do like her, but I find her family’s birthday fervor upsetting.

—Happy Birthday to Me

There is a very easy fix to this problem! Do not attend this woman’s birthday party. Schedule your own for the following weekend. You two are not inextricably bound to one another, like two Bearers of the One Ring, just because you happen to have been born on the same day. Do not force yourself to sit through a party you know you won’t enjoy and then cry in your car. Do not cry alone in your car unless it is absolutely unavoidable; take every opportunity to minimize the possibility of solo car-crying. You two are acquaintances—treat invitations to her birthday party as you would for any other casual friend, and feel enormously free to mark “no” on your RSVP. There’s no reason to explain to this woman’s sisters that you feel upset about how close she is to her large family. That’s completely unnecessary. Just say you won’t be able to make it but hope they all have a wonderful time.

* * *

Dear Prudence,
My boyfriend and I regularly host parties, and while we always invite all of our friends, the only person who attends every event is “Mitch.” Once a conversation about a problem I was having at work nearly turned into a screaming match because Mitch kept asking me over and over how I was going to fix it and wouldn’t let up until I gave him an answer that made him happy. Mitch was so upset that he slammed his hands on our table and took a long smoke break outside to “calm down.” After this incident I just avoided conversations with Mitch, but he still makes his irritation known. Recently we all went to a concert as a group, and Mitch kept saying how upset he was that it wasn’t a “guys’ night” and that he missed their college days before “everyone got a girlfriend and abandoned” him. Since then I have stopped going to events where Mitch will be unless it’s a big enough group that I don’t have to interact with him.

I’d avoided bringing this up with my boyfriend since I thought it was all in my head. However, in the past few months, multiple friends have pointed out Mitch’s rude behavior toward me. My boyfriend, however, doesn’t see it and dismisses me when I bring this up. He says Mitch is going through a tough time (job issues, financial struggles, etc.) so I should stop picking on him. I would be fine with this, but my boyfriend keeps making it worse by not letting me avoid Mitch. If we’re having game night and I can’t handle playing with Mitch anymore, my boyfriend will play my hand “until I’m ready” instead of letting me stay busy in the kitchen. If we’re having movie night my boyfriend doesn’t understand why I’ll sit on the opposite end of the room when there’s an empty seat by Mitch. It’s gotten to the point where these parties I used to look forward to stress me out so much that I don’t want to be in my own house. It’s becoming more awkward for everyone, not just me, but every time my boyfriend tries to get us to play nice something goes wrong. How can I fix this problem? If Mitch was my own friend I would have cut ties long ago but that doesn’t seem to be an option since he and my boyfriend are still on good terms.

—Party Pooper

If you spend a lot of time on the DWIL boards, as I do (that’s the “Dealing With In-Laws” section of Babycenter.com), then you’ll quickly become familiar with the expression “You don’t have a mother-in-law problem, you have a husband problem.” It’s not universally applicable, but the crux is this: Your problem is only seemingly with Mitch. The real problem is your boyfriend, who isn’t content to let you keep a polite distance between Mitch and yourself in order to minimize conflict. Instead he is actively trying to force contact between you two and dismisses your concerns about his rudeness whenever you raise them. If all you’ve tried to do is sit on a different side of the room and periodically take a breather in the kitchen when Mitch is getting on your nerves, but your boyfriend considers that to be “picking on” his friend, then you two have a very different understanding of what picking on someone actually entails. The next step is to talk with your boyfriend about how he should support, rather than undermine, your need for occasional space from his buddy. Explain to him that while you and Mitch are never going to be best friends, you’re not interested in getting in the way of the friendship he has with your boyfriend or in starting any fights with him. Part of what that means is that you’ll sometimes take a break from interacting with him, and your boyfriend should understand this—which means no pausing the game for you if you retreat to the kitchen, and no asking you why you’re not sitting closer to Mitch during movie night. If he can’t commit to that, then consider occasionally making alternate plans with other friends that are out of the house and away from Mitch during nights when you know he’s going to be the guest of honor.

* * *

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Dear Prudence,
A close cousin spent the last five years in prison, and I was one of the few members of our large family who stayed in contact with him. He was released a couple of months ago and I’ve helped him by way of giving him rides, furnished his apartment, and offering him odd jobs to do. Since he doesn’t have a car, I let him borrow mine to get the work done and told him I needed it back by Monday morning. He didn’t show up, but promised to have the car back by Tuesday. He didn’t show up again but called with a series of excuses (he was offered work, he had a terrible weekend and was disinvited to an out-of-town event, etc.). I felt bad for him, and when he finally showed up that afternoon, I tried to comfort him. Later my husband used the car to pick up our kids and noticed the car had clearly been in an accident and badly repaired (think a can of spray paint amateurishly applied). We were both angry and shocked, and my husband asked my cousin what happened (I hid in the house). He claimed someone smashed into him in the parking lot of the hotel he was staying at and that he couldn’t tell me so he tried to fix it himself. My husband told him we have full coverage insurance and could have had the car fixed professionally.

I’m not mad about the “accident” but the fact that he didn’t tell me what happened. I also don’t believe his story and all the subsequent stories he told afterward. I’m angry that I spent time consoling him, telling him people make mistakes, that everyone deserves forgiveness. The problem is that I’m now going against all the advice I gave him because I don’t trust him and don’t really want to talk to him anymore. What say you?

—Feeling Fleeced

There are plenty of steps you can take to address this situation before deciding not to speak to your cousin again. It’s great that your husband is supportive in this situation, but I’m a little struck by the discrepancy between your five years of steadfast communication while your cousin was in prison and the image of you hiding inside the house while your husband discussed your car with your relative outside. If you’re angry with him, tell him. That doesn’t mean you have to explode at him, but you both can and should explain that his behavior damaged your trust, that you’re more upset that he tried to cover up the accident, and that you can’t allow him to use your car anymore. If he responds angrily, you may decide that you need to limit your contact with him. You may also decide that there are certain types of support you’re not comfortable offering him, and that’s fine too. But don’t unilaterally cut off all contact with your cousin without first at least having a (husband-free) conversation with him.

You seem to be frustrated at least in part with yourself for ever having trusted your cousin, or for trying to help him—I think that’s the wrong impulse. Yes, he breached your trust and it’s appropriate to refuse to lend him your car again, but I don’t think your admirable compassion (or fundamental belief in forgiveness and the possibility of change) should be revoked after this disappointment. The severity of his breach of trust, while irresponsible and frustrating, is not worthy of being disowned.

* * *

Dear Prudence,
My older sister recently came out as trans, and I know to refer to him as my older brother now. Before he transitioned, he dated a girl for about four years, and since we were close siblings I became close to his girlfriend as well. They broke up at the start of last year but stayed friends, and I now consider her my best friend. I had a boyish crush on her for ages, but now that I’m 20 and she’s 22 it’s developed into a lot more than that. Both my brother and his ex have dated other people since they broke up but I’m concerned about a few things before making any moves. Is it morally acceptable to date my brother’s ex? Also, I’m almost certain she also has feelings for me and is waiting for me to make a move, but what if I’m wrong? I’ve never been in a relationship before and I don’t want to lose her as my best friend. But I also don’t want to regret what might have been.

—Should I Speak Up?

To answer your first question: There’s not necessarily a hard-and-fast universal rule about dating a sibling’s ex, although I’m not familiar with a great many beautiful, inspiring, lifelong love stories that started that way. To answer your second: If you’re wrong, then she’ll say no when you ask her out, and you two will either go back to being friends or things will change permanently between you. Also, whether or not she returns your feelings, you risk hurting your brother deeply. The inclusion of your brother’s seemingly-unrelated transition seems to imply you think his past relationships might suddenly mean less to him—I don’t think that’s the case. Even if he’s dated other people since, the two of them were together for a fairly long time and they broke up less than a year ago.

Since you’ve never been in a relationship before, I’d encourage you to give casual dating a shot, and try to go out with a few of the many, many women in the world who have never dated your older brother. If your feelings for this girl persist after you’ve gained more experience, then you might consider having a conversation with your brother about whether he’d be comfortable with your asking her out after some more time has passed. Either way, give it time and speak to him first.

* * *

Dear Prudence,
Three years ago my husband and I visited a friend’s house for dinner. They had two dogs, one of which had bitten the other in a fight. The injured dog was in another room because he had a raging infection and was on the verge of dying. They knew they couldn’t keep both dogs and offered us the nearly-dead one. For some reason, we accepted and worked hard to heal him and fell madly in love with him. We do everything to give him a ridiculously pampered life. We buy him expensive healthy food and get him regular checkups at the vet. The former owners love to see him and frequently say we give him a far superior life. They also frequently mention he is very fat. When we got him he was much smaller because he was so ill, and now he is a happy older dog. We feed him treats and run, play and walk him every day. It really annoys me that they frequently mention that when he lived with them they never let him get so fat. He’s nearly 12! The vet says he is a perfect size. I want to yell at them, “When you had him he was much slimmer but also nearly dead!” Should I stop this immediately next time or should I just get over it?

—Off Death’s Door

What you call a “ridiculously pampered life” sounds, at most, “mildly” pampered to me—sure, you buy your dog the expensive health food, but there’s nothing ridiculous about taking a pet to the vet for regular checkups or going for daily walks. It sounds like your friends’ definition of “fat” is a dog that is not actively dying of both starvation and a neglected, infected bite. I’m not sure why you’re still friends with these people, but yes, absolutely you can tell them to knock off the comments about your dog’s weight. While you’re at it, keep an eye on their remaining dog to make sure he’s not being mistreated too.

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