Dear Prudence

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I don’t know how to deal with my boss’s pregnancy problems.

Danny M. Lavery
Danny M. Lavery

Photo illustration by Slate. Photo by Sam Breach.

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Dear Prudence,
I work for a very small company owned by a married couple, both in their mid-30s. The husband has a day job, and the wife works from home, so I usually only see them once a week. Two weeks ago, one of the owners informed us, happily, that they are pregnant with their second child. I was very happy to hear this news, until she dropped the bomb: She is only five weeks along. I have never had someone tell me that she was less than three months pregnant, so her news was very shocking. I did feel slightly uncomfortable about knowing about her pregnancy so early on, but I brushed it off. However, my discomfort started growing as it seems like she is having a difficult pregnancy. She takes two- to three-hour daily naps in the afternoon, will check out during meetings because she has a hard time focusing, and is constantly nauseated and has no appetite. During her seventh week of pregnancy, she texted all of us that she had “emergency health issues” and was ordered bed rest by her doctor for the rest of the week.

Now, all I can think about is the possibility that my boss has lost or will lose the baby, and I will admit (guiltily) that I do feel some resentment toward her for spilling the beans about her pregnancy so early on. I am a woman in my late 20s and have never gotten pregnant, so I can only imagine her physical and emotional pain, if something were to happen. Am I selfish to be upset that my boss, whom I have an employer-employee relationship with, told us about her pregnancy so early on? And if something does happen, what do I do? Unfortunately, I am pretty socially awkward, so acting like nothing happened will be close to impossible.

—Office Etiquette

It’s sort of customary for people to hold off on announcing a pregnancy until after the 12th week to spare the parents-to-be the painful necessity of having to update everyone they know with news of miscarriage, not because the news might discomfit others. It’s certainly not a hard-and-fast rule, and telling people five weeks in might be a little unusual, but it’s not the breach of etiquette you seem to think it is. A miscarriage is not a shameful secret that is best kept to oneself, and your boss will not have done something wrong if she announced her pregnancy at five weeks and subsequently had a miscarriage. She cannot help having a complicated pregnancy, and she would likely still have experienced morning sickness and had to go on bed rest even if you didn’t know she was pregnant. Your resentment is unwarranted and out of place, and you should do your best to overcome it in private. Miscarriages are quite common, particularly in the first trimester, and if your boss does miscarry, you should express your condolences, offer your support, and continue to do your job well.

* * *

Dear Prudence,
I work with a volunteer group that helps fix up houses for low-income residents. For the past several weekends we have been building a wheelchair ramp for an older woman who lives alone and has no nearby relatives. She mentioned that she has “several cats,” but during our work we noticed an overwhelming smell. I knocked on her door one evening so we could unplug our extension cord, but she didn’t answer, so I let myself in and was overwhelmed. There were 15 cats in a small dining space (she lives in a nice mobile home park), and there was animal urine and feces everywhere. In some places I could not see the floor. I retrieved the cord and got out as quickly as I could. I’m concerned about her health and safety. I can’t imagine preparing meals in that kitchen? What do I do? I don’t want to call in authorities that may have no compassion for her. I don’t want her to be removed from her home, but at the same time, living as she is is not good. She seems like a kind, normal person. How can I help without also hurting her?

—Cat Lady

Calling the authorities doesn’t necessarily mean bringing down the long arm of the law on a vulnerable senior citizen. Contact your area’s social services, whether that be adult protective services, the city health department, or your county’s department of aging and elder services, and get in touch with the local humane society or animal control department for help with the cats. The way this woman is currently living is way beyond “not good”—untreated animal waste is a biohazard, and she could be at risk of contracting diseases like toxoplasmosis, breathing in noxious ammonia fumes, developing any number of infections, or slipping and falling. Her health and her life are at risk, and it would be irresponsible and dangerous not to get help for this woman. Invoking social services does not mean that she is going to be dragged from her home and thrown into an institution; there are numerous programs that focus on treating and supporting animal hoarders so they can live independent, healthy lives. You cannot hurt her any worse than she is already hurting herself. She is not able to care for herself or her pets, and you would be doing both her and them a disservice by failing to act now.

* * *

Dear Prudence,
In conversation, I ask people open-ended questions, and I really listen to what they say. I try not to interrupt or shift the focus onto myself. I also try to remember what I learn about people. My problem is that I don’t know how to inspire others to reciprocate. I want people to know me, but instead I go through life feeling painfully lonely. I’ve recently made a new friend, and we spend most of our time together discussing her past, her family, and her emotional and professional challenges. Now and then I toss in some information about myself, hoping it will establish common ground and encourage her to ask me questions. Recently, we were talking about her experiences growing up gay in a fundamentalist Christian family, I said, “I was raised by my wonderful gay dad, who also grew up in a Christian environment.” She rarely responds to these offerings, so I just let them go, and we continue talking about her. As usual, I’ve ended up knowing her way better than she knows me, and I feel lonely. I know I could call her on it in the spirit of clarifying my needs. But when I do that, people usually say, “Oh, sorry! OK—what were you saying?” After which it feels like they’re just giving me air time out of politeness rather than because they’re actually interested in what I have to say.

If this pattern were confined to my interactions with this woman, I might blame it on her for being self-involved. But it happens all the time. I’m the common element, so I know the problem has to be with me. Am I boring? Am I so weird that people can’t relate? Am I somehow putting people off? Or am I just being hypersensitive about a problem that everyone has?

—Enough About Me, What’s New With You

I doubt that you’re boring or too weird for anyone else to relate to. It’s likely that the type of people who are least inclined to ask other people questions about themselves are generally drawn to you because you are such an attentive listener and so reluctant to pull focus away from them. Your empathy and hesitation to assert yourself are particularly attractive to people with a tendency toward self-absorption, and they seek you out. That doesn’t mean you have to squash those impulses in yourself, but it does mean that you’re going to have to spend some more time and energy screening for fellow good listeners when you develop new friendships—not just people who seem really excited to be around you. When you meet someone who does pick up on those conversational offerings, who does look for moments in a conversation to ask you about yourself, who seems as eager to listen as she is to speak, pay attention to that. Seek them out, invite them for coffee, cultivate friendships with them. Those people exist—you’re not the only one, I promise.

When it comes to the friends you already have, if they’re only paying lip service to conversational reciprocity when you interrupt their monologues, I think you should feel free to cut back on time spent with them. Someone who’s not genuinely interested in what you have to say is not going to be a very good friend to you in the long run. But it also seems like, on some level, you believe asking people to ask you questions about yourself is somehow less genuine or meaningful than having them intuit that they’ve neglected you. I don’t think that’s always true! If you want to talk about yourself, and your conversational partner doesn’t respond to your initial “offering,” don’t take that as a sign that she doesn’t care or you can’t keep talking. Tell your story regardless.

* * *

Dear Prudence,
I received a wedding-related invitation from a family member, and I’m not sure how to respond. The couple lives a few states away, and the bride had a wedding shower earlier that I couldn’t attend, but I sent a gift anyway. The invitation I just received seems like another shower invitation, but it says that while “geography is keeping us from gathering to celebrate, we can shower the couple with gifts” and includes an address. Essentially, it’s an invitation to send more gifts. Is this horribly tacky? I’ve never seen something like this before, and I’m at a loss for how to respond graciously when I feel that it’s inappropriate. Thoughts?

–Bewildered by the Bride

One of the greatest joys of adult life is quietly disapproving of someone else’s choices while simultaneously congratulating oneself on exhibiting restraint. You get to do both of those things! Decline to send a second gift, and don’t respond to the shakedown masquerading as an invitation, especially since you’re not being asked to RSVP to something. Unless you are extremely close with this family member and are often in the habit of exchanging blunt truths with each other, keep your disapproval to yourself, throw the card away, and move on.

* * *

Dear Prudence,
I met a new guy online, and on the second date he told me he is bisexual. I am OK with it overall, but he wants to have a guy on the side or find someone else to bring into our bed. I am really looking for a long-term relationship. Should I just let this one go, even though everything else is great, or should I consider allowing him to explore relationships with men? I am not sure about bringing someone else into our bed; it has never been something I was interested in.

–Two Is Plenty

This dude is bisexual, which you’re fine with, and that’s great. But this dude also wants to have an open relationship and at least the occasional threesome, which you’re not fine with, so you probably shouldn’t go on that third date. Why are you contemplating “allowing him to explore relationships with men” when you’re not especially keen on the idea and you two are barely in a relationship yourself? If that’s not what you’re looking for in a boyfriend, cut him loose and move on to somebody else whose interests are more closely aligned with yours.

* * *

Dear Prudence,
My housemate has a habit that is seriously cutting into my sleep. Whenever she uses the bathroom, she blows her nose—and it’s obscenely loud. I can’t even work out how she manages to make​ so much noise doing this. Our bathroom acts like an echo chamber that amplifies all noise directly into my bedroom. So when she does this during the night or early in the morning (which she does daily), the noise wakes me up. I’m not a great sleeper to begin with, and it’s really​ impacting my life. I’ve asked her multiple times to stop blowing her nose in the bathroom when I’m likely to be sleeping, pointing out that she can do it to her heart’s content in any other carpeted location of our flat. Each time I do, she apologizes profusely (and I think genuinely) and says that she “forgets.” She’ll be good for maybe a week or so but invariably forgets again.

She’s generally not the most thoughtful and has a handful of other annoying habits around the place, and while they get on my nerves, I don’t bring them up because they’re minor. We get along really well in every other way and are quite close friends! What can I do? Reminder signs in the bathroom (that would make us look insane to visitors)? Is it totally nuts to ask her to move out (I own the flat, so quietly moving out myself isn’t an option) because of how she blows her nose? I’m sure I would also lose her friendship, which would be sad.

Get the sign! If your roommate truly is as well-intentioned as she seems and genuinely has an incredibly difficult time remembering not to blow her nose like the Last Trumpet at 4 in the morning in your bathroom, go ahead and put a little reminder in your bathroom to spare yourself. If your guests think you’re a little weird, let them. You can always hide the sign when visitors come by if it worries you that much.

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