Danny Lavery, aka Dear Prudence, is online weekly to chat live with readers. An edited transcript of the chat is below. (Sign up below to get Dear Prudence delivered to your inbox each week. Read Prudie’s Slate columns here. Send questions to Prudence at prudence@slate.com.)
Readers! Ask me your questions on the voice mail of the Dear Prudence podcast. Just leave a message at 401-371-DEAR (3327), and you may hear your question answered on a future episode of the show.
Danny Lavery: I hope everyone’s in-laws, employers, neighbors, and lovers behaved with admirable restraint and courtesy this weekend. Let’s chat!
Q. My formerly fat best friend is so hot: I’ve been friends with a guy “Jake” for about 10 years, since college. When I first met him he was about 100 pounds overweight and kept gaining. A couple of years ago his dad died of a heart attack, and his brother had some heart issues too. It was a wake-up call, and Jake started a diet and exercise program. Now he’s smoking hot. Like I said, we’ve been friends for years, and a few times he wanted to try dating, but I always said no. He was a nice guy, but the weight was really unattractive. So now he is hot, and I really want to date him. Is there any way I can go for this without coming off as shallow?
A: I don’t believe so, no. That’s not to say you can’t give dating Jake a shot, or even that experiencing new romantic interest for someone based on his or her physical appearance makes you an irredeemably bad and self-centered person, just that there is no way to ask out Jake now while pretending it doesn’t have anything to do with his weight loss. It has everything to do with his weight loss, and you know that, and Jake will too. If you think he’s still interested, you can go for it—just be as prepared to hear “no” as you are to hear “yes.”
Q. I don’t wanna hold your hand: I have a problem with holding hands while praying before a meal. At this point, I’ve already washed my hands but don’t know if everyone else (especially children) has. I am not a germaphobe, but I find myself getting anxious about this and trying (unsuccessfully) to miss the prayer especially after being sick almost continuously from December through mid-February with one illness after the other. One friend’s family always folds arms. I have tried this, but the person next to me is sometimes persistent. How can I avoid colds and other viruses without offending family at the holidays?
A: In my experience, a friendly hand on someone’s (clothed) shoulder or arm is the generally-accepted germ-conscious alternative to clasping hands during prayer. You can also link arms with the person next to you, which avoids skin-to-skin contact without giving off the unintentionally churlish vibe folded arms might generate.
Q. Sister regularly forgets one child’s birthday: I have three children and two sisters who also have families. We regularly get presents for each other’s kids’ birthdays, but for the last two years, one of my sisters has forgotten my youngest’s birthday. No card, no note, no call, and no gift. I let it go last year, because we all forget sometimes, and my daughter was too young to know anyway, but it’s happened again this year. She still gets presents for my other two kids and has never mentioned anything about having forgotten my youngest. I’d prefer if she forgot all of them than just forget one! If I called her out on it, even in the gentlest way, she would gaslight me (which is her M.O. whenever someone questions her). My other two kids’ birthdays are coming up, and she’s already told me that she’s bought gifts for them. I don’t feel right, accepting them. What should I do?
A: Even if you’re 99 percent sure you can predict her response, bring it up with her first. In the unlikely event that she surprises you and apologizes, maybe you can offer to remind her a few weeks before your youngest’s birthday next year so she can get back on track. If she refuses to acknowledge reality or pretends she hasn’t been slighting your youngest, you can tell her that you don’t feel comfortable accepting gifts for two of your children and participating in the exclusion of the third, and ask her to donate the gifts she’s already purchased for charity or to pass them along to someone else. Kids notice these things, and it can be very painful to be ignored by a family member. Good for you for sticking up for your kid.
Q. Do I need to say something?: A few months ago, my girlfriend mentioned a friend of hers named “Tom” (an acquaintance of mine) was getting top surgery. I said something like “cool!” (because it is) and the conversation moved on. But the problem is that I didn’t know this guy was trans! We’ve become closer since then and while he’s been fairly casual about the topic recently, I’m still somewhat uncomfortable with how I first found out. I’m sure my girlfriend didn’t mean to out her friend to me (I believe she thought I already knew, or possibly her friend gave her the all-clear) but I worry that if he or I were less chill about the topic, this could’ve seriously hurt him. Is it fine to assume my girlfriend handled this information responsibly given that she knows him and his comfort levels better than I do? Should I tell the friend about it even though it was months ago and he’s clearly OK with me knowing? I wish I’d said something in the moment and certainly intend to if it ever happens again, but it feels like maybe this particular ship has sailed.
A: As a rule, I think in the absence of strong evidence to the contrary, I want to say you can assume your girlfriend acted in good faith and did not reveal any information to you that her friend would not want you to know, especially in light of the fact that Tom has apparently felt comfortable talking about it with you in the months since. That said, lots of well-meaning and otherwise polite cis people tend to go more than a little off the rails when it comes to trans people’s privacy. At present, I don’t think there’s a good reason for you to share your specific concerns about how your girlfriend told you with Tom because he already knows that you know he’s getting top surgery—you two have discussed it together. But you should double-check with your girlfriend that Tom had given her the clear to disclose this information to you. If she can reassure you that he had, all is well!
If she did speak out of turn to you (even though it all turned out well), or if you’re concerned that she might be discussing Tom’s private medical matters with other friends of hers, then I think you and your girlfriend should have a conversation about confidentiality, privacy, and safety. Even though Tom told her about his upcoming top surgery, it doesn’t necessarily follow that he has told everyone in his life or would want her friends and acquaintances to know either. He should be the person who gets to decide how much of his personal information gets shared and when. Unless you are given express contrary permission, let Tom handle the business of coming out to other people; there’s no reason for you to do it for him unless he asks you to. Both you and your girlfriend should be guided by that principle in the future whenever Tom comes up. It sounds like you’re already very much on board, and hopefully your girlfriend will be, too.
Q. Ford fiasco: I am shopping for a new car, and my (very smart) husband advised that Ford transmissions need replacing around 80,000 miles. My father is an executive who works with the automotive industry. I also asked him for advice and repeated my husband’s warning. My father disagreed and said my husband doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I explained his family owned several Fords over many years that my husband serviced. My father told me that his information was “decades old” and said my husband is “ignorant as hell.” My dad closed childishly, saying, “Oh, of course, I forgot—he’s right about everything!” I firmly told him that he was insulting my husband and he needed to adjust his attitude before he saw me. He did, and we had an otherwise pleasant day. My question: Should I have pursued the subject further? I’m worried I didn’t defend my husband enough. This is not the only time my dad has insulted my husband’s opinions on cars, politics, and pop culture.
A: Bearing in mind that I have no idea whether your husband’s advice was correct, I think your response to your father was terrific. Even if what your husband suggested was the stupidest thing that’s ever been said about a transmission in the history of combustion engines, there was no reason for your father to start rolling his eyes and calling your husband an idiot. You managed to stand up for your husband while remaining polite, a difficult trick to pull off; I think you handled the situation neatly.
Q. Re: My formerly fat best friend is so hot: Let me try this one: Everyone has standards. Yours include not dating people who are 100 pounds overweight. That’s probably pretty common, and there’s no getting around that. Some people may call it shallow. The best thing to do is let your behavior speak. Act interested. He’s not dumb; he knows how things change when someone loses 100 pounds. If he’s mad at you for liking him now but not when he was 100 pounds heavier, you’ll have to let it go. But it’s worth a shot.
A: That’s good to bear in mind! There’s a potentially big payoff—you two might very happy together—but it’s worth remembering that, if he does take offense at your newfound interest, it may damage the friendship you have as well.
Q. Patching things up: My dad has had some difficulty accepting that I (his adult son) am transgender. Things have been fraught since I came out, and he continues to use the wrong name and pronouns for me. Recently, though, he told me he’d like to be there for my gender confirmation surgery. I think this was his way of trying to make amends, but because it’s already going to be a stressful time for me (and considering earlier in the same phone call he asked whether I’m sure this is what I “really want”), I said I thought it might be better if we saw each other when I’d had time to recover. He was devastated, saying he just wanted to be there for me during a major operation; I tried to explain that I’d be well–looked after by the surgeon and nurses, but to no avail. I do love my dad, and I don’t want to hurt him, but I still don’t want him to come. Is there a gentler way I can articulate this or an apology I can make that doesn’t require me to invite him? Or should I just let him come so I don’t damage our relationship even further?
A: Definitely don’t let your dad come stay with you out of a misguided sense of guilt. He’s trying to make up for his previous lack of support by going way too far in the other direction, way too quickly. Unless he’s a qualified nurse, I don’t think he’s going to be much help to you in your immediate recovery, and since you two are still fighting to develop a healthy adult relationship, having him around and caring for you during a particularly vulnerable time is likely to be more stressful for you than otherwise. If you’re having trouble articulating this in a way that doesn’t sound like a flat rejection, try putting it this way: “Dad, I’d love to see you, and I really appreciate your support, but I would so much rather spend time together when I’m not doped up on pain medication and can actually remember the conversations we have. I’ve got a great medical support team who are going to make sure I’m well–taken care of after surgery, but the next couple of weeks after are going to be a blur.”
It’s good that he’s attempting to connect with you even if he’s doing so clumsily, and it sounds like you want to meet him halfway. What if you could schedule a time for him to visit a few weeks or months out from your surgery date? Pick a time when you’ll be relatively mobile and self-sufficient, and keep it to just a weekend or a few days so you don’t get overwhelmed. Ideally, he’ll buck up, and you two can spend some quality time together. If he continues to press for more than you’re willing to give or tries to make you feel guilty for not letting him move in as a full-time amateur caretaker after your surgery, then I think you should hold firm and tell him “no” altogether. It will not improve your relationship if he continues to bulldoze you. You’re an adult now, and one of the most difficult aspects of developing an adult relationship with one’s parents is realizing one isn’t responsible for how they feel. His request is not a reasonable one, and if he’s hurt when you draw a reasonable boundary, then he can, and should, take the opportunity to reset his expectations and respect your limits. I wish you the absolute best of luck with your surgery and for (slowly) trying to establish a new relationship with your father after you’ve recovered.
Q. Re: My formerly fat best friend is so hot: As someone who has been on the receiving end of this: NO! Because you are being shallow. After my major weight loss, my ex let me know that he regretted leaving me and he was seeing me “in a new light.” No matter how much charm and wallowing he exhibited, nothing could take away the obvious fact that he was only into me because I lost weight. Everything he said rung hollow. But I give you credit for admitting your shallowness. You know why you can’t do this? Because life and his pants size aren’t guarantees. You don’t know what he’s going to look like in five to 10 years. Do you plan on ditching him if the weight goes back on? What about your attraction then?
A: This very much bears thinking about before deciding whether to tell your friend you can now reciprocate his feelings. Ask yourself these questions and try to figure out your own answers before moving forward.
Q. Inheritance: Fifteen years ago, my husband and I sold land we owned to a developer for a pretty penny and gave each of four children more than $150,000 each. We told them this was their inheritance and not to expect anything in our will beyond personal items. If there is any money left in our estate after we pass, it will be going to our favorite charities. We asked our financial planner to meet and discuss options with our children, and our daughter “Dora” declined. She and her husband bought expensive cars, took fancy trips, and did not bother to save a penny for their children’s education. We have been contributing to an education fund for each of our grandchildren, but due a hit in the market, there is only around $7,000 for each of them. We have three grandchildren graduating high school this year; only Dora’s daughter will have to take out loans for her education. Dora is upset and wants us to give the collective education fund to her daughter “to be fair.” Her comments have sparked a war with her siblings. Dora is not destitute. My granddaughter is not going to starve in the streets, but she will be going to community college while her cousins go to the universities of their dreams across the country. Dora acts very bitter and refuses to acknowledge any responsibility on her and her husband’s part. It is causing a huge rift, one that my husband and I though we avoided. My husband wants to stand firm and ignore this. I agree with him but it pains me to see my granddaughter pay the price. She is a wonderful girl, and we are very proud of her. Should I do anything? Can I do anything?
A: You can, if you feel so inclined and to do so would not be a financial hardship, pay some of Dora’s daughter’s tuition directly, bypassing her parents entirely. There’s a case to be made for that, especially considering that your granddaughter is in no way responsible for her parents’ reckless behavior. If you decide to do so, however, you should by no means entertain Dora’s ridiculous suggestion that you take away from the collective education fund for your other grandchildren. That money is theirs, and she has no right to suggest you take it away just because she declined to take careful advantage of your generous gift 15 years ago. Remember, too, that if you hold with your husband and stand firm, nothing disastrous is going to happen. You gave Dora a lot of money 15 years ago, have always clearly communicated how much money she could expect from you and when, and Dora’s daughter is already taking steps to minimize her student loan debt by starting at community college. If you decline to send more money her way, she may not have it as easy as some of her cousins, but she’s not going to flounder and perish. Community colleges are a great option, and she sounds like a resourceful kid—unlike her mother.
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