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Dear Prudence,
I’m in my 20s and have been with my boyfriend for a year and a half now. Things are going very well, but this is my very first relationship, and as such I’m still figuring out how this is all supposed to work. We’re pretty good at communicating and we try to be very honest and open with each other. How open is one supposed to be in a relationship? I recently had a mildly erotic dream about a mutual friend of ours—in the dream it was the friend making a move on me, and I was very uncomfortable about it both during the dream and when I woke up. I don’t see it as a huge deal, because dreams are bizarre things, and while the friend is attractive, I am most definitely devoted to my boyfriend.
I find myself wanting to talk about it however, as I found it such an odd dream. Things are very secure between me and my boyfriend, but I know he has some insecurities from past relationships. However, not mentioning it almost feels like I have something to hide, as if I’m guilty about it. I really don’t think of the dream as a big deal, and my boyfriend knows how much I love him, but I don’t want to inadvertently hurt his feelings by mentioning it offhand. How do you balance being honest and open with a partner when feelings might be involved? How do you decide what’s OK to talk about and what’s better left unsaid, when honesty is a priority?
—Waking Life
There’s nothing wrong with not telling your boyfriend about your dream—hearing about someone else’s dream is never as interesting as thinking about your own, and you’re not keeping any relevant information from him that he ought to know. But the fact that you feel uncomfortable not mentioning the dream to your boyfriend indicates a certain level of pre-existing unease. If the conversation you’re looking to have is simply:
“I had a sex dream about Ralphonse last night! Weird, right?”
“Yes, that is weird! Aren’t dreams strange?”
“That they are. Let’s carry on with the rest of our lives.”
But you’re worried that if you have it with your boyfriend it will turn into:
“I had a sex dream about Ralphonse last night! Weird, right?”
“… Why would you tell me this?”
“Because I have a profound longing to share the details of my unconscious life with you, my partner, no matter how odd or mundane.”
“Are you sure you’re not just telling me this to make me jealous of Ralphonse?”
“No, it’s definitely the profound longing to know and be known thing.”
“Because now I’m jealous of Ralphonse.”
Then you might consider having a broader conversation with him about dreams first—does he like talking about them? Does he tend to assign much conscious meaning to them? Is he generally indifferent? If what you want is to be more “honest and open” with your partner, that’s probably the best way to achieve it. You might feel guilty at present, but that’s not necessary—you’re not actually keeping anything important from your boyfriend.
* * *
Dear Prudence,
Our son passed away recently from cancer at 32. We were estranged from him for the last four years of his life because of his “evil” wife, who would not allow him to have any contact with us. She has also kept our granddaughters out of our lives. We’ve never seen them. My sister-in-law insists on keeping in touch with her even though we have told her over and over how much this hurts us as that woman destroyed our family. She feels she owes it to our son. We feel she should worry more about her “living” brother and his feelings. My husband can’t have a relationship with her as long as she continues to have contact with this girl who completely destroyed our world and denied us the last four years of our son’s life.
—Devastated
I don’t know the reasons for your estrangement with your son, but his wife is not the sole cause. He chose not to see or speak to you, even during the last years of his life. His wife may have supported or encouraged that decision, but the fact remains that your son was an adult and decided to cut off contact with you of his own free will. This may be hard to accept, and you may not take my word for it, but your son’s wife could not have forced him to disown his parents if he did not want to. She did not “destroy” your family—the relationship between you and your son failed on its own. That you are now asking your sister-in-law to end her own relationship with your son’s widow—and, by extension, her young nieces—is unreasonable. Grief is a terrible thing, and to lose someone in the middle of a prolonged estrangement, before any reconciliation is attempted or achieved, is a special kind of heartache. I can only imagine you’re currently experiencing a tremendous amount of pain. I encourage you to see a grief counselor and figure out how to deal with your feelings without demanding for further estrangements within your family.
* * *
Dear Prudence,
My father lives out of state, and while we are not close, we talk every few months. He has a “public image” side, where he is caring and amazing with his grandkids, and a private side, where he is quite tempestuous, and I spent much of my childhood trying to not raise his ire. Recently my stepmom, who is far more patient than the rest of our family, called me. Apparently, I was the only one of the four siblings to call him last year for Father’s Day. My stepmom said that his feelings were quite hurt and that it would be nice if I could remind my siblings to call our dad.
I have quite mixed feelings about this. Every Father’s Day card in stores feels like a lie, and I know my dad is not a strong father figure for any of us. I think it is important to call, simply out of politeness, but I don’t find it is my place to talk to my siblings about this, when I’d be encouraging the sham. If anything, I’d do it for his wife, who is kind and who doesn’t deserve to put up with my dad’s tantrums.
—Dad by Default
Your stepmother may not deserve your father’s tantrums, but even if you encouraged all your siblings to call home this Father’s Day, there’s always going to be something he’ll find to justify losing his temper over. It would be one thing if you wanted to make the effort on your father’s behalf, believing your siblings to have unjustly overlooked his feelings, but you yourself admit it would be a “sham” for them to wish him a happy Father’s Day. It’s sad that your stepmother is taking the brunt of his temper, but there’s nothing you or your siblings can do to fix that. You can keep your relationship with your father distant but cordial; let your brothers and sisters figure out how much contact they want to have with him on their own. Tell your stepmother that you’re sorry your father’s feelings were hurt, but you can’t mediate his relationship between him and your siblings for him.
* * *
Dear Prudence,
Last year I suffered a medical issue that left me legally blind. Since then, I’ve been working part time, but I’m now looking for a full-time job. In my line of work, the only accommodation I really need is some text-to-speech software and forgiveness for occasional social awkwardness; because I can’t see faces, I recognize people only after learning their voices. I’m confident that this is considered “reasonable accommodation” under the Americans With Disabilities Act.
But my question is at what point in the application process do I mention my disability? Friends within the blind and low-vision community disagree about this. One says, “put it as a casual aside in the cover letter; you are an easy ‘diversity hire’ so they’ll love you.” The idea of “milking” my blindness makes me uncomfortable, as does the idea of edging out a similarly qualified but fully sighted candidate. Others say to wait until during or even after the interview (like, just show up with my cane, smiling—the idea of which also makes me uncomfortable). What say you?
—When to Tell
There’s nothing wrong with either option: referring to your vision impairment in a cover letter or not mentioning it until you meet potential employers in-person. But since your goal is to avoid dealing with the potential awkwardness of a real-time response, I think the smoothest way to address your limited vision is when the company in question sets up an interview time. While you’re talking to your would-be interviewer, say, “By the way, I’m legally blind. I can make my own way to your office just fine, but is there anything I should know in advance about navigating my way through the building?”
* * *
Dear Prudence,
I am going through an excruciating breakup. We were together for two and a half years and broke up a few months ago after my former partner decided she needed time to “find herself.” I am doing the best I can—I’m in therapy, I left our shared apartment to her (but still pay half the rent so she won’t end up in debt), leave her alone but respond any time she texts. Usually she only texts to ask if I’ve paid rent or to send drunken ramblings about “not being OK.” The next morning she will quickly reassure me she is fine, which I doubt based on some of her actions.
Per the advice of my friends and therapist, I am trying to move from feelings of sadness and worthlessness into a healthy dose of anger. And I have plenty to be angry about: The rent she said she needed to not go into debt, I’ve since found out she put toward a European vacation this summer. Her drunken texts to me have been followed by her drinking and driving, despite my pleading with her not to, offering to give her a ride or call her a cab. She isn’t taking care of herself and surrounds herself with people supportive of these behaviors. I’ve also recently found out she is back on an online dating site, after telling me she wanted to break up with me because she wanted to find “self-happiness.” She has every right to date, but this has me reeling back into those thoughts of worthlessness after she told me the breakup wasn’t because I was a bad partner but was because she needed time for herself.
Do you have advice on how to turn the sadness into anger? My support system all seems angrier than me, but I just can’t bring myself to think about her in that way (even though it might be the truth). The rose-colored glasses are off, but my emotions seem to be lagging behind on the unfortunate things I’ve learned about her in recent months.
—Love Sucks
I’m not sure it’s a good idea to force yourself to get angry right now. Anger can be useful and an appropriate response to the violation of important boundaries, but it’s no more important than sadness, and it’s not a precondition for you to take care of yourself. It’s sad that your relationship ended. It’s sad that your ex isn’t taking care of herself, is risking her life and the lives of others by driving drunk, and is taking advantage of you financially. If you can’t bring yourself to get angry about that, I don’t think you should try to force it—just because your response is sorrow doesn’t mean you’re blind to her faults.
Rather than trying to produce an emotion at will, I think you should consider what the goal was that you expected anger to achieve for you—namely, to cut off contact with your ex. There’s no reason you should still be paying her rent for an apartment you no longer live in after she broke up with you, so figure out what steps you need to take to get your name off the lease, serve whatever written notice is legally required by your landlord that you’re moving out, and cut that financial tie. Talk to one of her friends or family members about her newfound drunk-driving habit and encourage them to speak with her about it. Block her number. It doesn’t take any willpower not to respond to text messages you can’t see, after all.
Those are necessary steps and you should take them immediately, but you don’t have to be angry to take them. The anger will likely come, maybe sooner, maybe later, maybe not at all. If all you ever feel is sadness, there’s nothing wrong with that—because it is sad. Don’t worry about getting angry at her; focus your energy on building a life that doesn’t revolve around her enormous, self-absorbed sadness.
* * *
Dear Prudence,
My boyfriend has a habit of falling asleep while we’re together. It’s like clockwork: We get together after work, we start a movie or TV show, and within an hour he’s out cold. He resists any attempt to keep him awake or wake him up once he’s asleep, and insists that I leave him be. I usually end up waiting one or two hours for him to wake up on his own. By the time he does, it’s so late that we have to go to bed anyway. This happens on average three or four nights of the week.
I’ve tried my best to be understanding, but over the past several years it’s started to wear on me, and I recently began expressing my frustration to him. He feels that it is unfair of me to be upset over something he cannot control. I told him that I would rather spend our evenings separately if he’s just going to fall asleep (we don’t live together). This upsets him because he feels like I’m punishing him for not being able to stay awake. In my view, though, I don’t feel like we’re really spending time together if one of us is snoring on the couch for most of the night. We are at an impasse. I love him dearly and I want to marry this man, but I dread the idea of sitting in front of the TV next to his sleeping body every night for the rest of our lives.
—Not Sleepy Yet
So your boyfriend falls asleep an hour into hanging out three to four nights a week. What’s going on with his sleep schedule that this is happening so often? You don’t say anything about whether he works early or is suffering from a medical condition, so I’m curious whether you two have actually talked about whether or not he’s getting enough sleep every night. He hasn’t been able to stop, and this frustrates you. Your frustration in turn frustrates him. This has been going on for years, and I think you should look at it as a fundamental part of your relationship, rather than a temporary pattern you can talk him into changing. That doesn’t mean you have to either learn to love this about him or dump him tomorrow, however.
Without knowing any more (and there’s a lot you don’t say!), I think if you don’t want to break up this minute, it might be worth trying to adapt. For one, you don’t say why he’s so tired all the time. Is it the nature of his work? Don’t just ask him to stay awake: ask him an open-ended question about what he thinks would improve your relationship. If he would rather crash right after work and instead share an early-morning run and leisurely breakfast, would you be game? Or is it that he finds watching TV or a movie just a soporific activity and tries to do it to please you? If so, and there’s a part of you that would rather go out to eat or take a walk or get drinks with friends, then you should do it. Invite him to come along if he’s up for it. If, however, he simply says he enjoys napping on the couch after work and has no alternative ideas, then you might find yourself faced with the difficult decision of determining whether you two are actually compatible.
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