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Dear Prudence,
I’m 12 years older than my sister and effectively raised her (and my brother) after our mother was killed when I was 15. Our father worked 80-hour weeks to provide for us, and I spent all of my teenage years and early 20s as a surrogate parent. My dad got remarried when I was 25 and I was finally able to go to college. My sister did not get along with our stepmother and spent weeks calling me and begging for me to come back home.
Now she’s 26, married, and expecting her first child. Our father and stepmother retired to Arizona, and our brother is in the military. When she called to tell me she was pregnant, I was so excited for her. I later told her that I’d finally gotten the promotion at work I have been waiting on for years. It’s my dream job, but it also means moving out of state; her exact response was, “You can’t move—what about me?” She told me I had to “stay for the baby,” things got heated, and she accused me of abandoning her like I did when I went to college. I told her to grow up and hung up on her.
My sister has always been clingy but I figured she’d gotten past that after graduating college and getting married. I am so angry I can’t even imagine looking at her right now. I resent the fact she claims I abandoned her when I sacrificed my own childhood to raise her, and our father killed himself working to provide for us. Things weren’t perfect, I was a teenager, but I did my best. For her to fling that back in my face now—I honestly don’t know how to get past this.
—I’m Not Your Mom
I think anger is an understandable first response in this case. What both you and your sister went through as children was profoundly difficult and destabilizing, and I have sympathy for how difficult the transition must have been for her when you went off to college. But the simple truth is that you didn’t abandon her then, and you’re not abandoning her now.
Give your sister time and space to deal with her turbulent emotions. From what you say, you only had that one explosive phone call. When you feel calmer as well, tell her that you love her and can’t wait to meet her baby and to visit when you can but that you won’t apologize for getting your dream job or for becoming an independent adult and going to college in your mid-20s. In the meantime, if you’re having trouble functioning because of your anger, it would be worth talking with a therapist to sort through your resentment toward your sister (and possibly your father and stepmother) for the sacrifices you had to make as a child. You’ve done a lot to care for the other people in your family; do this to care for yourself.
* * *
Dear Prudence,
I work two jobs from home. One is structured so that I have 9-to-5 work hours, and the other I do in my “off” time. My problem is my husband, who cannot seem to wrap his head around the fact that just because I am home does not mean I am “available.” He constantly interrupts my working time to talk to me about things that could wait, including arguments he wants to have right now. He asks that I spend time with him before he leaves for work by moving my laptop into whatever room he is in. He often expects me to take time away from my desk in order to help him get ready for his job, and I am really frustrated. I have said time and again that I am at work and he needs to respect it, but nothing seems to stick, and sometimes I get so peeved with him it distracts me the rest of the work day. I love my husband, but his constant inability to respect my work time and space is getting on my last nerves. Help!
—Work Stoppage
Your problem is both logistical and relational, and you, lucky writer, will get to address both aspects with your husband. First, sit him down and outline the problem as you see it, as well as the strategy you’re going to use from now on. His constant interruptions are irritating, distracting, and disrespectful, which is hardly conducive to a happy marriage. You’ve asked him repeatedly to stop and he’s failed to do so, and short of moving out you’re going to have to set a harder limit with him until he learns that “working from home” is not shorthand for “aimlessly surfing the internet and delighted by interruptions.” Tell your husband, “From now on, when I start work in the morning, I’m not going to be available to answer questions, settle disputes, or help you get ready. It will be just as if I were in an office, and we can catch up after my workday is finished.”
Then follow through by not making yourself available. You don’t say whether your working space has a door you can close. It’s easy to underestimate how important that door is: If you don’t have one, please get one. He is a grown man, and can put on his own pants, or hard hat, or glitter, or whatever it is that his job requires him to have on his person. Do not move your laptop into whatever room he wants you to be in, do not answer his question about whether you are still out of milk. Let “I can’t talk right now; I’m at work” be your mantra. If he invades your space, say, “I can’t talk right now; I’m at work” again. Say it mildly and without rancor, but don’t stray from it; as soon as you reward his attention-seeking behavior with attention, good or bad, he’ll persist. (This does not appear to be your husband’s most lovable attribute! Let us hope he has other, better ones.) You may be tempted to argue or justify yourself to him if he continues to interrupt you, but don’t do it. Put on your headphones, close the door, and ignore him until you’re done for the day.
* * *
Dear Prudence,
My mother abandoned me when I was 13. This has had a profoundly negative impact on my life. I’m now in my 30s and have spent thousands of dollars on psychiatrists, therapists, and medication for depression. I’ve accepted it, but I can’t “get over it” the way people tell me to. Mother’s Day and the weeks leading up to it are a huge slap in the face, a constant reminder that my mother left and never came back. I’m a restaurant manager, and it’s the busiest day of the year, so it’s not an option to stay home. I absolutely hate seeing happy girls out celebrating with their moms. I just want to cry and scream and smash everything because it’s not fair that I don’t have a mom, and I will never fully understand why she left.
My question is, how do I respond when people ask if I get to spend time with my mom that day? The question angers me and I usually tell people she’s dead, just so I can see the shock on their face and make them feel sorry for me. I know it’s immature, but sometimes I wish she had died because that would mean that she hadn’t chosen to leave. What can I say to people to get them to drop the subject? Is it appropriate to just say she’s dead? It’s so much easier to explain than the real situation.
—No Mom on Mother’s Day
This is a great opportunity to remind all readers that “What are you doing for Mother’s Day?” is not innocuous in the same way that “What are you up to this weekend?” and “Seen any good movies lately?” are, and to tread carefully if you’re not sure how someone feels about their mother. That said, it’s not an out-and-out rude or socially inappropriate question, so even if hearing it makes you want to start hurling knives, there’s no need to lie or say something shocking and designed to shut up your interlocutor. If the person asking is a customer or a stranger, stick with something vague and impersonal, like, “I haven’t got anything planned—how about you?” If it’s an acquaintance or a co-worker, it’s fine to say, “No, we’re not close,” and politely decline to discuss the subject further. Anything more than that will have to wait for your therapist’s office. For what it’s worth, the people who care for you should not be insisting you “get over” this pain. You suffered a wound that may never fully heal, and my only concern is that these misdirections about your mother won’t help you.
* * *
Dear Prudie: The “Hardly Working” Edition
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Dear Prudence,
My partner and I have been together for eight years. We live together, and I’ve raised my partner’s daughter as my own since she was a year old, when her mother lost her parental rights and disappeared. I adore my stepdaughter, but her father and I have recently been having trouble. A few years ago he met a woman with two teenage daughters and some mental health issues, and they became close; I met her for the first time about a year ago. Recently I learned that both this woman and her daughters are in daily communication with my partner. They invite him over after work, ask him to run errands or take them to the doctor and chat endlessly. I am largely excluded from this relationship and have limited contact with them.
On Easter, my partner invited them to a big picnic with his extended family. It was really awkward. He flitted back and forth between us. Admittedly I am shy and struggled to find topics of conversation, but I felt very uncomfortable having them there. Afterward, I told my partner that it felt like he was trying to maintain two separate relationships. He said I was a narcissist who wanted “the sun to shine only for me” and that I was mad I wasn’t the center of attention. I am extremely hurt and really don’t know what to do. I don’t like this relationship, but he doesn’t seem responsive to my feelings. There is also the added dilemma of our daughter. If I decide to leave the relationship I probably wouldn’t be able to see her again, and that thought hurts more than anything.
—Is There Any Chance?
Until you adopt your partner’s daughter, it’s unlikely that you’d have any legal rights of visitation once you two split up, so make that a priority and consult a lawyer about that right away, regardless of whether you and her father stay together. If you’re the only mother she’s ever known and her biological mother has relinquished her parental rights, you should adopt her anyway, if only to ensure you’d be able to continue caring for her if something ever happened to her father. A lawyer will be able to give you a sense of how difficult this process may be, or what roadblocks your partner might throw in your way, should your relationship continue to deteriorate. You need to take steps to protect the familial relationship you’ve established with this girl before doing anything else.
As for your partner: Whether he’s having a physical affair with this woman is beside the point. He goes over to her house alone after work on a regular basis, is close with her children, speaks to her every day, and has started inviting her to family functions—he’s very much in a relationship with her, and the fact that he responded with such defensiveness when you pointed that out to him smacks of a guilty conscience. You don’t have to buy into his twisted version of reality, where asking him to make your relationship a priority is somehow equivalent to “narcissism.” If he’s not willing to listen to how you feel or change anything about how he interacts with this woman, then an eventual breakup is likely in your future—depending on what you’re willing to deal with (and for how long) in order to keep your stepdaughter in your life. In the meantime, however, you should take all available precautions to protect your connection with her, if and when your relationship with her father officially ends.
* * *
Dear Prudence,
A very close friend of mine died very suddenly at age 30 just two weeks ago, and as a result, I’ve been fielding a lot of messages from our mutual friends, including acquaintances who went to school with us but who lost touch with him years ago. They keep asking how he died—one person who didn’t know him even asked if he’d killed himself! (He didn’t, and there was no reason to assume that he had.)
This has been very difficult to address repeatedly, but I’d rather be the one to answer those invasive questions than his family members. His mom expressed great relief that no one had asked her this (yet). I’m trying to be understanding because it’s natural to be curious when someone dies young, but many of them didn’t even know him, and I’m starting to lose patience. His funeral was this weekend, and I hoped the questions would stop after the service, but they haven’t. Only a few people know the exact details of his death, and his family doesn’t want everyone to know. I’m keeping my answers concise and matter-of-fact without giving too much away, but I’m struggling with it, and I’m worried I’m eventually going to snap and say something rude. It’s not any one person that is getting to me, just the accrual of questions coming from everyone. When can I expect these questions to stop? Am I allowed to shut the questions down, or is that rude? I don’t want people bugging his family for information if they can’t get it from me.
—Tired of Rubberneckers
If someone who never even knew your friend calls or texts you to ask how he died, please feel enormously free to ignore them for as long as you like. Sure, it’s natural to be curious when someone dies young, but it’s also natural for adults to periodically rein in their curiosity rather than demand information from the bereaved to satisfy their spirit of inquiry, especially when the dead person in question was a stranger to them.
You can also simply say, “I’m not comfortable going into detail,” if you’re worried these questioners won’t stop badgering you until you give them some sort of reply. “I don’t know,” “the details aren’t publicly available,” or “I just can’t talk about it right now” are also perfectly acceptable. Surely even those people would not be so shockingly rude as to then contact his grieving mother for the latest gossip if you declined to furnish them with details, so don’t feel you’re “forcing” them to get in touch with his family members if you don’t offer up the bullet-points version of his death.
* * *
Dear Prudence,
My girlfriend is over 18 but under 21. I don’t drink, so that’s not a problem; however, I do smoke cigarillos and ride a motorcycle. She wants to ride, but I don’t feel ready for a passenger. I have given her cigarillos, and she said she’s excited to be a smoker now. She also said that if I won’t let her ride my motorcycle, she’ll have to get her own. I’m feeling a bit guilty about what I’ve introduced her to. Our mothers are friends, and I’ve learned that her mother is quite upset about her smoking, and terrified at the prospect of her daughter riding a motorcycle. (My mother is not happy about me doing those things, either.) Should I stop smoking and riding and hope that my girlfriend loses interest also? I like being a “badass,” but I don’t want to lead someone else astray.
—Bad Influence
I find it deeply charming that you both long to be tough and a good example to your girlfriend. It’s not especially badass, I’m afraid, but it is highly endearing. It is always a good idea to quit smoking! Quitting smoking (even cigarillos) does not get easier with time, and it’s less “exciting” than expensive and, eventually, distressing, so if you’re thinking about dropping the habit, there’s no time like the present. As for the motorcycle; if you’re not ready to take on a passenger, then make that clear to your girlfriend and stick to it. You don’t have to give it up entirely just because she’s expressed a (thus-far abstract) desire to get one herself, but if you don’t feel comfortable being responsible for her safety on your bike, then don’t let her ride with you. Beyond that, what your girlfriend decides to do with her life will be up to her.
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“Lost Cause: My boyfriend killed himself after a fight, and his family blames me.”
“In Fidelity: My cheating husband died suddenly, and I want to help his mistress.”
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More Dear Prudence Chat Transcripts
“You, Me, and … Him?: Prudie advises a woman whose husband wants to have a threesome with his unattractive best friend.”
“Graveyard Shift: Prudie advises a woman who doesn’t want to be buried next to her deceased first husband.”
“Chosen One: Prudie advises a woman whose in-laws only give gifts to one of her kids.”
“I Ink I Love You: Prudie advises a student who got tattoos in tribute to her professor.”
