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Dear Prudence,
Four years ago, in my early 20s, I was diagnosed with breast cancer and ended up having a double mastectomy. My boyfriend left shortly after I finished treatment. I’m ready to dip my toe into dating again. How do I discuss my surgeries, occasional low energy levels, and what I did with several years of my life? If it wasn’t obvious, I would put the conversation off until a relationship got serious. However, some of my scars are obvious in my everyday clothes, let alone when I get physical with someone. I tried dating a few years ago, but the men picked up on my weakness and used it to manipulate me. It seems harder to explain to guys my age. People say the right guy will be cool with it, but finding the right guy is hard enough! How and when do I broach this?
—Dating After Mastectomy
With the caveat that you should broach your history with cancer and your double mastectomy only when you feel ready, I think there’s a lot to be said for saying something right away. You say that previous men have “picked up on [your] weakness,” and one way you can forestall such predatory behavior is by refusing to allow them to treat your medical history as a weakness. Don’t think of this as something that must happen within the first X minutes of the first date. But whenever the conversation naturally heads toward your respective life stories, tell your dates matter-of-factly that you had cancer in your early 20s and that you’re in remission now. You can spend a few minutes giving them the broad outline of what happened, then move on to something else you’d like to discuss. If absolutely nothing else, this will weed out the kind of guy who would consider your having had cancer four years ago as a strike against you. Frankly, it’s not just “the right guy” who would be cool with it; most reasonable people would be able to take the news in stride, without either fleeing in horror or looking to manipulate you as the result of learning you had a mastectomy—whether or not the dates lead somewhere serious. You’ve had what sounds like some pretty bad experiences with men in the past; may you meet better specimens in the future.
* * *
Dear Prudence,
It is a tradition in my husband’s family to name the firstborn grandchild after a grandparent. My husband is named for his grandfather. Since my husband’s mother died young, we named our daughter after both his parents (think “Josephine Marie”). My father in-law was very enthusiastic about this and adores our daughter. But since finding out our second child is going to be a boy, he expects us to name the child after him again and says it doesn’t count with a girl! I think matching boy-girl sibling names are way too cutesy, and I also want to acknowledge my side of the family, but I’m furious over my father-in-law’s dismissal of his granddaughter. I am worried this will persist as our children grow up, and I don’t want my daughter to be shoved aside for her brother’s benefit. Talking to my father-in-law has gone nowhere, and he just dismisses our concerns. My husband wants to ignore the issue, name the baby what we want, and that “Dad will come around.” I think there is a deeper issue here. This has really dampened my happiness over my pregnancy. Am I overreacting or what? Please advise.
—No Second Name
For what it’s worth, I don’t think your husband is “ignoring the issue,” given that together you’ve already had numerous conversations with his father and plan on naming your second child something else. No longer trying to persuade your father-in-law is, in fact, a sensible course of action. If he presses the subject, you can let him know the matter is closed, that he already has a grandchild named after him, and that you’re no longer inviting feedback on what to name your as-yet-unborn son. Give him the opportunity to gracefully get a hold of himself and realize what an honor it is to have anyone named after you. If he does, you can consider this a weird, self-absorbed blip, and move on. I don’t think it’s a sure thing he will ignore his granddaughter once your son is born. You say he adores her, so it’s likely this strange fixation on his grandson’s name has more to do with identifying with an AMAB child than it does with a desire to cast his granddaughter aside. The former still has plenty to do with sexism and outdated gender ideas, to be sure, but it’s not a guarantee that he’s going to be a lousy grandfather. Just say no, refuse to brook further discussion on the subject, and see how it goes.
* * *
Dear Prudence,
Recently an encounter with my partner’s father went very wrong. He started using a racial slur in my home and persisted even after my partner asked him to stop. I asked him again to stop and he started calling me names, so I told him to leave. According to my partner’s mother (who supports us), my partner’s father now thinks I am a literal witch and he has taken my partner out of his will. My partner and his father have had numerous problems in the past, and I know that he will not apologize and will likely say more hateful things to me. I also know that I will have to see him again and I want to know what is the best way to handle this. I have never, ever fought with someone like this, especially not with a partner’s family. I feel ashamed, though I know that my partner stands with me. Do I approach him as I normally would? Go “gray rock“ with him?
—At Odds
I’m not sure why you or your partner “have to” see his father again. Presumably if a casual acquaintance came into your home, started using racial slurs until you had to force them to leave, then later refused to apologize, you would not continue seeing them socially; I see no reason why you should behave differently just because your partner has the misfortune to be related to this guy. There are basic rules that govern civil human interactions, and refraining from (or at least apologizing for) hateful, racist behavior has got to be the most easily achievable of them all. If you had to live with your partner’s father out of financial necessity, I might advise you to keep your interactions with him limited and neutral, but you and your partner are both independent adults, and even if your partner has to visit his father, you do not. Since his father doesn’t believe he did anything wrong and is likely to behave similarly in the future, I think you (and your partner) should re-evaluate whether you want to spend any time with him at all.
Dear Prudie: I like my stepdaughters better than my own kid—am I a terrible mother?
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Dear Prudence,
My sister went through a very difficult time in her 20s that was marked by alcoholism, depression, periodic homelessness, and more than one arrest and conviction. For a couple of years, she lived with a boyfriend who had addiction issues but was otherwise a very nice guy who cared about her. He got into much more serious legal trouble than she did and is currently serving 20 years for a string of robberies.
For a while my sister kept in touch with him, occasionally visited, and put money in his prison account, all while getting sober herself and putting her life back on track. His family members are all also addicts, so my sister and our parents were the only contact he had with the outside. Eventually my sister met and married a great guy, and they moved abroad. Her last communication with her imprisoned ex was about three years ago. The ex recently reached out to my parents and asked my mom to forward a letter to my sister. My sister does not want the letter, but my mom is torn about whether or not to write him back to let him know my sister has left the country and is doing well, or just let the letter go down a black hole. What is the right thing to do?
—Tell Him She’s Married?
There are two interests worth balancing here. One is that your sister has the right to end her communication with her ex-boyfriend, even if she does so in a way that you find abrupt or unreasonable, even unkind. The other is that your parents (and you, although you don’t mention whether you’re in direct contact with your sister’s ex) have a right to maintain an independent relationship with this man they’ve known for years. That doesn’t mean they should offer details about your sister’s personal life to him without her permission, however. It’s also not particularly important where she lives or who she’s married to—if she doesn’t want to get any more letters from him, she can decline them just as easily from Boise as she does from Moscow. Your mother doesn’t have to let the letter disappear into the ether; she can just tell him that your sister has decided she doesn’t want to remain in contact. But if you or your parents are interested in maintaining your own friendship with him, you’re also free to make that clear, and to talk about topics that aren’t related to his former relationship with your sister.
* * *
Dear Prudence,
I work in a small office with a limited staff, and we can hear literally everything that happens from our work spaces. A new colleague has the most unfortunate bathroom experiences every day. From our desks, we can hear every sound. It also smells, and sometimes she leaves leftovers behind. She bought air freshener, so she must be aware there’s something going on. Can I say something? Maybe post a note to flush twice? It is so uncomfortable and I am so grossed out I try to avoid that bathroom at all costs, sometimes holding my pee all day until I can run across the parking lot to the building next door and use the public restrooms in the lobby.
—Office Etiquette
Right-ho. If absolutely nothing else, please stop trying to stave off bathroom visits all day as holding in your urine is bad for your kidneys. If you absolutely can’t stand to use the office bathroom, please don’t wait until the end of the day to visit the public toilets across the parking lot.
There’s nothing inappropriate about posting a sign encouraging everyone to flush repeatedly if necessary and make sure they’ve left the bathroom as clean as they found it; it’s unfortunate it’s come to the point of having to leave a note at all (especially among a small staff where it may be obvious who it’s directed at), but this is the best solution to a messy problem. I’m not sure a direct conversation would be anything other than embarrassing for the both of you—I can’t think of a non-awkward way to ask someone to use the bathroom less obtrusively. Your co-worker may suffer from Crohn’s disease or a similar ailment, but even if she isn’t ill, presumably she is not doing this recreationally but out of an unfortunate necessity. The note (coupled with the new air freshener) will hopefully help, as might an office fan or white noise machine or easy-listening jazz. The human body is a necessary, horrible vessel; we all have to ride around in these failing flesh-machines, doing our absolute best with what we’ve got.
* * *
Dear Prudence,
My parents are moving away from the town where I live and work in a couple of months. They’re leaving me a house with three bedrooms: one upstairs, two downstairs. We have decided that I’ll stay on the top floor while we rent the bottom two bedrooms out to help with the upkeep and so I don’t have to stay in a big house by myself. I have talked about this with some of my co-workers, a few of whom have expressed interest. Apparently, my mother let it slip to my boss, whom she knew well, that we’re renting the rooms. My boss mentioned that my direct supervisor is also looking for a room (our house is close to where I work) and that it might be a “good idea” for her to live there. Prudie, I can think of so many reasons that being a landlord to my supervisor is a bad idea. My good relationship with my supervisor is based on the careful separation of my personal and professional lives; this is not going to happen if we live together. As some of my co-workers and now my boss knows about my living situation, it’s inevitable that my supervisor is going to find out, and knowing her, there’s a 90 percent chance she’ll ask to move in with me. How can I politely decline without sacrificing my career prospects or our good working relationship?
—Open House … but Not for You
If your supervisor is remotely reasonable, surely you could say, “Acting as landlord to my direct supervisor would unnecessarily complicate our working relationship, which is very important to me” without sacrificing anything. If your supervisor is not remotely reasonable, you might try for a polite fiction if and when she asks for a rental application: “Thanks so much for asking, but I’ve already found tenants for the empty rooms.” (You might then try as quickly as you can to find tenants to make your polite fiction reality.) Or, if you think your community is too small for you to get away with lying about who’s moving in with you, try keeping your response impersonal. Make it clear that it’s nothing against your supervisor, but that you need to keep your work and private lives separate, and won’t be looking for housemates who work at your company. This would, unfortunately, likely mean that you would no longer be able to consider the colleagues you’d already been speaking to, but that may be for the best. It’s never a bad idea to keep a sharp division between the people you work with and the people you collect rent checks from.
Whatever you decide to do, if you feel your prospects at this company depend upon your giving your supervisor a place to live, you should consider trying to find work elsewhere.
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“Lost Cause: My boyfriend killed himself after a fight, and his family blames me.”
“In Fidelity: My cheating husband died suddenly, and I want to help his mistress.”
“Play Money: Our kids squander the strict budgets we give them for their birthdays.”
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More Dear Prudence Chat Transcripts
“You, Me, and … Him?: Prudie advises a woman whose husband wants to have a threesome with his unattractive best friend.”
“Graveyard Shift: Prudie advises a woman who doesn’t want to be buried next to her deceased first husband.”
“Chosen One: Prudie advises a woman whose in-laws only give gifts to one of her kids.”
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