Get Dear Prudence delivered to your inbox each week by signing up in the box below. Please send your questions for publication to prudence@slate.com. (Questions may be edited.)
Got a burning question for Prudie? She’ll be online here on Slate to chat with readers each Monday at noon. Submit your questions and comments here before or during the live discussion.
Readers! Ask me your questions on the voicemail of the Dear Prudence podcast. Just leave a message at 401-371-DEAR (3327), and you may hear your question answered on a future episode of the show.
Dear Prudence,
I am a gay single mom with a 10-year-old son. I’m also in a great relationship with “Zoe,” who I’ve been seeing for the last two years. We click on every level, she gets along great with my son, and she says she wants to spend the rest of her life with me. The problem is the ill-tempered hellbeast she calls a cat. She loves it to bits, and it barely tolerates her. It attacks everyone else (I have to wear thick boots and jeans when I come over if I don’t want to bleed). My son is seriously allergic to both cats and dogs, and carries an EpiPen. I have to shower and wash my clothes when I come back from Zoe’s before I can see my son.
The cat is old and on its last legs; Zoe said that once it died she would move in with us. Except she just took in two rescue kittens without telling me (I found out from her announcement on Facebook). She said I was cold and unfeeling for objecting, and I told her she wanted to be a mother to these cats more than to my son. I feel misled. If I knew she was always going to get more cats, I would not have introduced her to my child. Now I am two years into a relationship with someone my son and I both love, but who prefers cats to a life with us. After our fight, Zoe is just carrying on as usual. She came to my son’s ballgame and my parents’ barbecue. She hasn’t brought it up and I am afraid to. What should I do? Make a quick end of it and break my son’s heart and mine? Keep this holding pattern? Zoe is the one who brought up moving in and getting married, the one who told me to wait until her cat died and then we could be together as a real family. Then she gets a pair of kittens and I am Cruella for objecting.
—Cat or Kid?
Just because she is carrying on as usual doesn’t mean you have to. Talk to her again. Say, “Zoe, you told me that once your cat died, we’d move in together and keep our house pet-free to protect my son’s health. Now you’ve bought two more cats, and you didn’t tell me beforehand—I found out through Facebook. It’s clear that you’ve changed your mind, but I don’t know why. You know my son cannot be around animals, and if I’d known you never intended to stop owning cats, I would not have continued in this relationship for so long. Can you tell me what changed? Why did you make that decision, and why did you decide to keep me in the dark about it?” Maybe you won’t get a straight answer out of her; maybe she’s been feeling doubts about the strength of your relationship and was trying to set a barrier between the two of you. I suspect that, whatever the answer she gives, you’ll have to decide to do what’s best for your son (and yourself) and end the relationship, but it’s worth breaking the holding pattern and insisting on an honest conversation at least once before you do.
* * *
Dear Prudence,
I’d like to get a little bit of weight-related plastic surgery, and my husband is adamantly opposed to it. Both of us work, and I would be using my own money to pay for it. I have thousands in savings, and this procedure wouldn’t affect our finances. He hasn’t done the best job of articulating his opposition aside from the fact he thinks it’s a waste of money. Yet this situation is the whole reason we have “his,” “hers,” and “our” accounts. Plus it’s my body and my money. How horrible is it if I do this anyway, without relying on him for anything?
—Plastic Surgery Debate
Ultimately it is, of course, your call, but that doesn’t mean you can’t make it a secondary goal of yours to have at least one or two thoughtful, honest conversations with your husband before you go ahead with the procedure. He doesn’t have to agree with you, but he should at least have a fairly clear picture of why you want this procedure, what the risks and benefits of this surgery include, as well as what your physical recovery will look like and what, if anything, you’ll need from him while you’re healing. Your goal should not be simply to get this done as quickly as possible, husband be damned. That doesn’t mean you should grant him veto power over your decision, simply that you should do your best to fill him in on how you arrived at this decision, and what you hope for from him.
For what it’s worth, if you’re considering a form of liposuction, there’s reasonable evidence to suggest that your husband’s fear it may be a waste of money is grounded in reality. That’s not to say you shouldn’t do it, merely that it’s worth researching the long-term effects of whatever surgery you’re contemplating. If you’ve done all your homework, know the risks (bearing in mind that all surgery carries the risk of complications), and feel confident in your choice, by all means carry on, but talk it out with your husband first. Don’t think of these conversations as attempts to get him to come around, but as an opportunity to show him what your thought process has been and what’s led you to your decision.
Dear Prudie: I’m worried my husband wants to adopt the child we’re fostering—and I don’t.
Hear more Prudence at Slate.com/Prudiepod.
* * *
Dear Prudence,
About a year ago my cousin “Evan” came out as “Elaine.” We live in different states and only see each other a few times a year at various family functions. I’ve always liked him and we have a lot in common (we’re both nurses, we enjoy the same books and movies, have similar political views). I know I’m going to miss Evan, but if becoming Elaine makes him happy and gives him peace, I’m all for it. Our family reunion is coming up this summer, and I’ll be meeting my cousin-as-Elaine for the first time. The last thing I want to do is make her uncomfortable (I suspect some of our disapproving relatives will take care of that), but this is a new situation for me and I’m not sure how to proceed. For example, is it appropriate to say “Nice to meet you” to someone you’ve known all your life? Has Evan completely ceased to exist, and can he be mentioned, especially to Elaine? I’m happy for Elaine and looking forward to getting to know her, but I’ll always remember Evan and I don’t know how Elaine will feel if someone mentions “him.” I know that any transgender person probably has to go through some pretty extensive counseling, and more than likely Elaine won’t run screaming into the night if I say anything imperfectly, but I really want this to go as smoothly as possible for both of us.
—Nice to “Meet” You
I’m so glad Elaine has at least one family member who understands and supports her, and I want to commend you for venturing into new territory with the intention of helping your cousin feel comfortable and accepted. One important thing to bear in mind is that the person you have known all your life is in no way “ceasing to exist”—the things you have always known and liked about your cousin, her taste in books and movies, her general outlook on life, her dedication to your shared profession, are not gone now that she’s transitioning. Yes, there will be plenty of changes that accompany her public transition, and you may experience her differently in some ways, but she’s also very much the same person she always was. She’s just out now. You don’t have to reintroduce yourself as if you were meeting for the first time, but it would be both appropriate and kind to make it clear that you’re excited to get to know her as an out trans woman.
The most important thing to bear in mind is that Elaine experienced all of the things you remember fondly about her as Elaine; her earlier life experiences did not happen to “Evan,” but to herself, closeted. The best way to determine how and if she wants you to talk about her closeted identity is to ask her. “What’s the best way I can talk about our relationship and your life pre-transition? I want to affirm your identity, so please let me know if you’d prefer I didn’t use your birth name, or use any particular language, and I’ll do everything I can to be consistent.” The practice of referring to someone after transition by their birth name is known as deadnaming, and can be very painful; everyone’s individual mileage may vary, so be sure to find out how your cousin feels about it. Find out what she’s comfortable with, and do your best to adjust. If you occasionally slip up when it comes to names or pronouns, quickly apologize and self-correct and move on, rather than beat yourself up and draw unnecessary attention to your mistake. Seek out your local PFLAG chapter for additional resources and support; it’s a great place to ask additional questions if you don’t want to overwhelm Elaine.
* * *
Dear Prudence,
I thought I had a stomach bug, and I called in sick from work. Three days into my sick leave, I discovered that I was pregnant. I developed hyperemesis gravidarum and had to go to the ER and missed two weeks of work. I had an abortion and will be back to work on Tuesday. I told my boss, who was kind and supportive. When I go back to work, I know all of my co-workers will ask me what was wrong. I want to be honest, because I don’t think abortion is a shameful thing (on the contrary—it brought me so much relief), but I know some people at work will think I am a heathen. I don’t want to lie about having an abortion, and I don’t want to contribute to it being a stigmatized thing by saying it was just a stomach bug. What is a matter-of-fact , succinct way to say what happened, and secondly, if I get a judgmental comment, how can I shut the person down?
—Saying It Like It Is
I do not encourage you to tell your co-workers that you had an abortion, particularly co-workers you (presumably) aren’t close with and who would attempt to criticize you for it. It made sense to discuss the nature of your illness with your manager, since that directly affected your work, and I’m glad your boss has been supportive of you, and that you’re feeling relieved and healthy now. But keeping your relationship with your colleagues strictly professional is not the same thing as contributing to the stigma around abortion. If you’d like to get more involved in pro-choice advocacy outside of work, that would be completely appropriate, but don’t bring that into your office. It’s not a lie to say that you were very ill, experienced severe complications and went to the hospital, and are feeling much better now. Discuss your abortion with your friends, family, or any other loved ones you like, and focus on your work when you’re at work.
* * *
Dear Prudence,
I have a close friend I’ve known for 12 years (we’re both in our mid-20s) and we’ve been through a lot together. She dates a lot more casually than I do, but neither of us judges the other, and we both support each other’s approach to sex and relationships. Recently we met up for a night out and she brought a new hookup along. He was so drunk he was stumbling and slurring his words; as the night progressed, he shoved me, put his hand in my face and pushed me away, grabbed me by the head and the waist, and made me incredibly uncomfortable. I had never been touched like that in my life and was horrified. During all this, my friend was periodically making out with him. At one point I told her to decide who she wanted to spend her night with, because I didn’t want to be around him. She disappeared into the bathroom and texted me to say she was having a panic attack; when I went to see her, she freaked out and said she was “having a hard time trying to keep everyone happy” and that I was making the situation worse by “going aggro.” I apologized and tried to calm her down.
The next day she was unapologetic, told me they had another date planned, and laughed about how he “didn’t remember” what had happened. I said I was disappointed she would spend time with someone who treated me so badly and she said she was sorry I felt that way. I didn’t reply and now we are not speaking. We both struggle with anxiety issues and I know she is having a difficult time, but I believe having your own struggles isn’t an excuse to treat people badly. I’m really hurt. I see that her behavior is worryingly destructive, and I am allowing myself to have a selfish reaction and keep my distance until she apologizes—but knowing her, she won’t. What should I do?
—Friend Chose Hookup Over Me
Taking space from this friendship is about as far from selfish as it is possible to get. It’s necessary. Your friend’s hookup assaulted you in public repeatedly. That’s so far beyond “normal” drunk behavior, and your friend’s attempt to forestall any serious conversation about how massively this guy violated your boundaries and physical safety by saying he was too drunk to remember what he did is not OK. The fact that she claimed you were “going aggro” by objecting to being shoved in the face is destabilizing, dishonest, and an abdication of her moral responsibility. If her date had been treating a stranger like that, she should have intervened or sought help from someone else in authority in restraining him; the fact that he was doing it to one of her oldest and closest friends and she responded by making out with him tells you everything you need to know about her priorities and her character. This woman is not your friend. You may have been through a great deal together, and the loss of your relationship may be difficult to process, but you should by no means reach out to her. Please know that you do not deserve to be treated in that way by anyone, at any time, for any reason, and that no true friend would blame you for being physically attacked by a drunken boor.
* * *
Dear Prudence,
I’ve recently started hanging out with a guy in a “getting to know each other, see if we want to date” kind of way. I think he’s lovely and he thinks I’m really great. We’re both 24, and I’ve kissed a few people in my life, but I was his first kiss. It was definitely weird, and the second time he said he wasn’t that into it, and I think the weight of expectations has been confusing for him. How can I best support him in starting to explore his sexuality without inserting myself too much into the situation? For what it’s worth, I think he’s a very good kisser!
—His First Kiss
I don’t think you have to do much of anything at all, aside from continuing to be his friend and not trying to kiss him again. Unless he’s said something specific about figuring out his sexuality (either as it applies to you specifically or his orientation in general), don’t assume that a sexual crisis is the reason he didn’t enjoy kissing you. You can, of course, reassure him that you’d like to stay friends, and whatever his sexual orientation or inclinations, you want to remain in his life, but beyond that, you don’t have to do anything else.
Discuss this column with Dear Prudence on her Facebook page!
More Dear Prudence Columns
“Come to My Window Office: My boss gave me that “look,” and now I’m falling in love with her.”
“So-So Man: Someone I hardly know asked me to be the best man at his wedding.”
“Tween Delinquent: My lazy, ungrateful 10-year-old is getting F’s in school.”
“Blood Scare: The nanny told us she’s HIV-positive. Should she still care for our kids?”
More Dear Prudence Chat Transcripts
“Woman on the Side: Prudie counsels a wife whose husband cares more about the woman he cross-dresses as than his family.”
“I Think She’s in Love: Prudie advises a woman whose friend “jokes” they should leave their husbands and run away together.”
“For Name’s Sake: Prudie counsels a pregnant woman whose husband wants to name their baby after his ex.”
“Your Money for Pro-Life: Prudie advises a man whose sister used their brother’s death to raise anti-abortion funds.”
