Dear Prudence

Aunt Removal

I want to evict my mother’s sister after my mother dies.

Danny M. Lavery
Danny M. Lavery

Photo illustration by Slate. Photo by Sam Breach.

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Dear Prudence,
Aunt “Winifred” came to live with my mother (her sister) and my father under a false pretense. She pleaded poverty and family estrangement, neither of which ended up being true, and now she’s living with our parents without contributing to the household in any real way. She has driven a wedge between my mother and father (Mom acknowledges that this situation isn’t great, but she can’t bring herself to tell Winifred to find somewhere else to live), and it’s taken a toll on all of us, as she drifts malevolently through the house, saying things like: “I wish your father liked me, but I guess I’m too much of a burden.”

We’re doing what we can to help relocate her, but in the meantime my mother has had some serious health issues. We are all preparing for the inevitable. My question is this: Can we evict Aunt Winnie when my mother dies? She can manage her own affairs (unlike my 70-year-old parents) but enjoys being taken care of. Is this something we need to address legally?

—Can We Evict Her?

Oh yeah, you’re not going to be able to get by on my decidedly not–legally binding advice with this one. You should definitely talk to a lawyer. Depending on which state you live in, your Aunt Winifred may be a legitimate tenant of your parents’ home, even if she’s never signed a lease or paid rent, and she will likely have to be evicted through the appropriate legal channels. It’s almost certainly not going to be as simple as telling Aunt Winifred she has to get her stuff and get out after your mother dies. That said, if you and your father are both in agreement that Aunt Winifred needs to move out relatively soon, and you’re doing everything you can to help her find an affordable place to leave in the meantime, there’s nothing wrong with that. You’re not obligated to host your mother’s sister indefinitely if she’s capable of caring for herself.

* * *

Dear Prudence,
Recently I visited a good friend of mine. As soon as I walked in the door, I was hit with the smell of ammonia from cat urine. Every inch of her house was covered in an animal stench, and my asthma immediately flared up. I said I needed to stay in a hotel for the rest of the trip, saying I’d had to do that because of my asthma before. I didn’t tell her it was because her house smelled horrible. Ever since, I have wondered whether I should tell her because it just seems incredibly unhealthy, not to mention embarrassing for her and her girlfriend. I also wonder about the health of their pets.

—Toxic House

Absolutely you should bring it up. Do it kindly and with compassion, but if she and her girlfriend appear to be unaware that the air in their house is barely breathable, you should bring it to their attention. It’s possible that they’re simply not aware because things have slowly gotten worse, and they’ve grown used to the smell that nearly knocked you out. They (and any other visitors) risk developing bronchitis or pneumonia from breathing in concentrated amounts of ammonia, not to mention developing asthma attacks like the one you experienced. Be tactful but clear: “Thanks again for inviting me to stay with you last week. It was so good to see the both of you. I’m a little embarrassed to bring this up, but I’d want someone to tell me if I were in your position, and sometimes it’s hard to notice something when you live with it every day. My asthma flared up in your house because of the very strong, concentrated smell of cat urine everywhere. I think you need to add more litter boxes and have the house professionally cleaned. I’m worried about the health risks you guys are running by breathing in those ammonia fumes every day.”

* * *

Dear Prudence,
I am transgender and not yet out to my family. My grandmother died at 88 about a month and a half ago. I’d promised myself I wouldn’t put her through my coming out. (I’m nonbinary, which means it’s even more complicated to explain.) But now that she’s gone, and I’ve done my grieving, I’m aching to stop lying and get it out there. I’ve known for more half a decade, but I feel like this is too soon and my remaining relatives will be angry at me for coming out so close to my grandmother’s death. How long should I wait?

—Bad Timing

While death is always sad, the passing of an 88-year-old woman is neither sudden nor shocking, and although everyone grieves differently, it’s been nearly two months. Presumably, all of your relatives have gone back to their own lives and been able to have numerous conversations unrelated to your grandmother’s death. I wouldn’t encourage letter writers to hold off on weddings or job announcements two months after their 88-year-old grandmother died, so I can’t imagine a reason why you should postpone this one. If any of your relatives attempt to use your grandmother’s recent death in order to reproach you, feel free to ignore that transparently distracting tactic. You didn’t interrupt her funeral to make a frivolous announcement—you’re living your life and coming out to your family. People do it every day, and while there may be no time that’s perfectly suited for it, you don’t have to put this conversation off any longer after you’ve been aching to do this for years.

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* * *

Dear Prudence,
A couple of months ago, a family I was slightly acquainted with moved across the street. They adore our children and often invite us over. I like them enough to have an occasional coffee with them, but the problem is that two of them are chain-smokers, which makes their house smell like an ashtray. (Smoking in this country isn’t as stigmatized as it is in the United States.) At first, I hinted politely that the smoke bothered us, and they were obliging enough, but they seemed to think moving across the room to smoke or opening a window would suffice, which doesn’t make much of a difference. I suggested spending time outside, or at our place, but they seem to take my rejections very personally. They are members of a marginalized minority, and I’m afraid they’re making assumptions about why we don’t want to spend time at their place. Which is kinder: to keep on making excuses or to be upfront about the fact that no amount of scented candles will make the air inside their house breathable to us?

—Smokers Next Door

The theme of this week’s column is apparently “smell-related honesty,” and in that spirit I think you should cut out the polite hints and be politely clear. Tell them you’d love to spend time together, but opening a window or smoking on the other side of the room doesn’t make a real difference, and you and your children can’t breathe comfortably in their house. Continue to invite them over to your house or catch up over the mailbox or on their front porch. If they refuse the invitation out of a misplaced sense of offense, there’s not much you can do about that, but there’s no reason to be coy about the fact that stale secondhand smoke makes you uncomfortable.

* * *

Dear Prudence,
I started seeing someone a couple of months ago. Things moved really quickly, and within three weeks he was calling me his girlfriend and introducing me to his friends, and we had a conversation about being exclusive. Now all of a sudden he feels like we rushed into things (We did! He did!), and he wants to see other people. Although this was something I would have been open to initially, I don’t think it’s likely that I can dial back the feelings that have developed over the past few months to the point where I’d be comfortable with this arrangement. I’m in a demanding graduate school program that means I don’t have a lot of free time, so I think a likely outcome if I agree to his terms is that he would see other people while I would not. I’m pretty sure that’s not what I want. We’ve put off this conversation for a little while so I can address some school-related deadlines. What’s the best way to navigate this impending talk?

—Seeing Other People

Tell him what you just told me: that you did not initiate any of the earlier conversations about commitment, but now that you two have been a couple for a few months, you’re developing real feelings for him and don’t think you’d have either the free time or the inclination to go back to seeing one another nonexclusively. He’s entitled to change his mind, but if that’s the way he feels about your relationship, it’s better to part ways now, if you no longer want the same things, rather than set up an old-yet-new arrangement that benefits him but not you.

* * *

Dear Prudence,
We live in a rural wooded area. My neighbor has a cat that lives primarily outdoors. He is often gone for days at a time, and other neighbors feed the cat and have taken her in during the winter. I feel bad for the cat for being out in the bad weather, and there are lots of animals such as raccoons, coyotes, and foxes that could harm her. We often see cats that have been killed by cars, too. She wears a collar and otherwise looks well–cared for. I’m moving into a new house and want to take the cat with me, keep her indoors, and give her a loving and safe home. The consensus among most people I have discussed this casually with say I should take her. A couple have said it would be unethical and maybe even illegal. What should I do?

—Would-Be Cat Thief

You disagree with the way your neighbor approaches cat ownership; it does not follow that you therefore have the right to steal his cat. Having an outdoor cat is neither illegal nor abusive—you could not, for example, report your neighbor to animal control and have the cat removed from his home on those grounds. It’s possible for reasonable adults who genuinely care about their pets to differ on the indoor/outdoor debate. An indoor-only lifestyle reduces the risk of accident, disease, and animal attacks; it can also lead to distress and behavioral problems, as it reduces the cat’s ability to express natural predatory behavior. There are good reasons for either choice, depending on the temperament of the cat in question. You yourself acknowledge that the cat looks “well–cared for” and has a collar, so this is clearly not a neglected animal that has been abandoned to fend for itself. If you would like to own an indoor cat, go to your local shelter and get one.

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