Every week, Mallory Ortberg answers additional questions from readers, just for Slate Plus members.
Q. Husband slept with clients: My ex-husband is a psychiatrist who slept with two of his patients. I caught him and am now divorcing him.
I have been a stay-at-home mom for the past 15 years, and my new job won’t pay nearly enough to cover all of my bills. If I report my husband’s misconduct to the appropriate authorities, alimony and child support will be diminished once he loses his license.
The women were his age and both married. Do I have a moral obligation to report him?
A: I think so. The fact that telling the truth will negatively impact your financial situation does not make telling the truth any less right, although you should take practicalities into account before speaking up. Your ex abused his position of power and may prey upon future clients.
That said, you are not obligated to report without taking certain financial safeguards first. Consult your lawyer—your ex might have assets, savings, or income that does not come from his work as a psychiatrist. Consider whether you have any family or friends who would be willing and able to offer financial assistance or who could provide free or low-cost child care for a time. It may be impossible to renegotiate your salary if you’ve just been hired, but perhaps you could seek a promotion, bonus, or salary increase over the next six months to a year.
Figure out what steps you need to take now that would place you in a better position to report soon, and do your level best to take them.
Q. Cheated on with porn: For the past year, my future husband has suffered from a condition called delayed ejaculation in which he cannot orgasm from any other way but his own hand. This has caused a lot of problems in our relationship.
I was understanding, but finally we both agreed he needed help. Several counselors advised him that he needed to stop all masturbation and porn use temporarily and only have sex with me. He agreed to do so, but six months went by and there was zero change. He finally slipped up and mentioned watching porn and continuing to masturbate. When I confronted him, he said it was only one time, but after asking to review his computer and phone, I discovered it was pretty much every day.
I am not against porn or masturbation, but his habits are ruining our own sexual relationship. I think I need to leave him because he is not going to change and I cannot deal with the lying. Do you agree?
A: I think leaving should certainly be an option you consider. I’m curious if your husband ignores your sexual needs entirely (which would suggest this recently discovered behavior is more selfish than anything else) or if he merely avoids penetrative sex with you.
If it’s the latter, you might consider flipping your counselors’ advice and leaving standard-issue sex off the table for a while and trying to enjoy porn and masturbation together. The ability to orgasm inside of another human being is a fairly arbitrary gold standard, and if what you’re really after is increased intimacy and shared pleasure, then there are other ways to get what you want than insisting your husband only ever come inside you if he wants to come at all.
If it’s the former, however, and your husband regularly avoids any sort of intimate activity with you in favor of getting off by himself and seems genuinely uninterested in making you a part of his sex life in any meaningful way, then you should consider leaving and finding a partner who wants to get off with you on a regular basis.
