Mallory Ortberg, aka Dear Prudence, is online weekly to chat live with readers. An edited transcript of the chat is below. (Sign up below to get Dear Prudence delivered to your inbox each week. Read Prudie’s Slate columns here. Send questions to Prudence at prudence@slate.com.)
Readers! Ask me your questions on the voicemail of the Dear Prudence podcast. Just leave a message at 401-371-DEAR (3327), and you may hear your question answered on a future episode of the show.
Mallory Ortberg: Hello again, strangers. Let’s chat.
Q. Letting down a friend with benefits: I am a serial monogamist. For the last 10 years (I’m 26) I’ve been in back-to-back long-term relationships averaging about a year and a half. They’ve all ended for various reasons, but I’ve learned a lot about myself from each relationship. When I moved back home last year, I wanted to be single and explore life, but of course I didn’t do that. I met a guy who became a close friend, which ended up with some lonely sex on the side. This has worked for us. My friends and family know about this guy and have met him, but they know it’s not serious because we both have things to work on. But it’s getting to that year and a half mark, and I’m ready to meet someone else, to get out there, to date. I’m still young, and I don’t imagine settling down with a long-term partner till I’m in my late 30s. What is the nicest way to talk to my FWB about this? This is not about anything he has done or not done, and I would like to still be friends with him and hang out (if he’s OK with that). I know I have to talk to him about this, but can you help me out with a script?
A: You have provided yourself with a script, and a very good one, too. “Friend with benefits, I’m ready to start dating again. I’ve really enjoyed our time together, but I’m looking for a different kind of relationship than the one we have, and I want to stop sleeping together. I’d love to stay in contact because I value your friendship, but I understand if you need space.” That’s it! You don’t have to reassure him that it’s not about anything he didn’t do; it’s just that you’re looking for something different than your current arrangement.
Q. Bridesmaids: I have a friend who is getting married this summer. She hinted that she was going to ask me to be a bridesmaid. She has expensive taste, and I am on a budget, so I spoke to her privately and told her that I can’t afford to be in her wedding. She seemed bummed but didn’t say much else. A few weeks later, in front of friends, she gave me a gift and asked me to be a bridesmaid. I was totally caught off guard, not to mention embarrassed to turn this down in front of other people, so I said yes with every intention of making it work. Over the course of the next week, she started scheduling all of our hair/nail/makeup appointments and picked our (really expensive) dress. It was clear we were all responsible for paying for these, in addition to her luxurious out-of-town bachelorette party. It was going to cost each of us over $1,000, and I started to panic. I finally got the courage to back out of being in the wedding. For what it’s worth, it was within a week of her asking. I offered to help with other things, like setting up or helping to get the invitations addressed and mailed, but she won’t speak to me. Was I wrong to back out of this commitment? Also, am I supposed to return the gift that she gave me when she asked me to be in her wedding?
A: You did nothing wrong by doing exactly what you told your friend you were going to do. She put you in an uncomfortable situation by pretending to understand when you said you couldn’t afford to be in her bridal party, publicly asked you to be her bridesmaid in a way that would have embarrassed you to decline, then immediately started asking you to spend money on clothes, makeup, and travel. Your friend’s request was selfish, and her response to your (very kind!) offer to help plan her wedding without going into debt over it has been petulant and childish in the extreme. You can return the gift if you’d like, but don’t feel guilty for a minute.
Q. “My estranged father” follow-up: I wrote the letter “My estranged father” last week and first off, I want to thank you for your response. Secondly, I think I was too brief and left out key details about my situation. I might’ve taken the 150-word recommendation a little too seriously.
I have blocked his emails, but (not joking) my father creates new email addresses to circumvent my block. Also, this time my father escalated his behavior and somehow managed to get my husband’s email address (the only way he could’ve gotten this was through a family member) and included him on the email.
I still can’t change my email address, and my husband doesn’t want to change his—granted he isn’t unnerved by this the way I am. That being the case my goal is to not let these emails affect me so much—talk therapy has helped me overcome other triggers; I am hopeful it can help with this one. My husband’s offer to talk to my father still stands, and if the emails become more frequent or it’s just too much, maybe I’ll take him up on his offer (still no clue what I’d say). In the end, I feel that I should be able to get to choose who is part of my life. And it’s frustrating that right now I’m not in control of that. Thanks again. I’m in a better place now than when I wrote to you the first time.
A: Thanks for letting us know how you’re doing!
Q. Back off my kid’s head: My 11-year-old son wants to grow out his hair (more, I suspect, because he hates the feeling of getting it cut than out of any desire to actually have long hair). I’ve been going out of my way to teach him about consent and body autonomy, and figure this is a good way for him to live out those concepts. My only rules are that he keep it clean and out of his eyes. He’s not trying to get a job, so who cares? Well, apparently his father and all of his grandparents care a lot. My ex-husband has threatened to take him to get a haircut whenever he has custody, and even my father literally tells him over and over again how awful it looks. I admit, he looks like a cast member from a Harry Potter movie, but I feel strongly that he be able to make age-appropriate decisions about his own body, just like everybody else. How can I get everyone to STFU about his hair?
A: It’s rather amazing how personally an adult can take the way a child wears his hair, especially since long hair on an 11-year-old is hardly a shocking departure from social convention; it’s not the 1950s, and your son’s not going to be ostracized or kept out of college for failing to get a high and tight. When it comes to your own father, at least, it’s incumbent on you to defend your kid—the next time your dad tries to tell your son that he looks terrible, say, “You don’t have to like it, but he likes his hair long, and if you don’t have anything kind to say about his appearance, don’t say anything at all.” When it comes to your ex-husband, while you might not be able to prevent him from taking your son to get a haircut if he’s really determined to, you can continue to stress to your son that he has the right to make his own decisions about his appearance—and remind your ex that, as your son gets older, it’s going to get harder and harder to force him into a barber’s chair if he doesn’t want to.
Q. Risky retirement strategy: My husband and I just recently found out that his mother has maintained her entire retirement savings invested in a risky way. She’s two to five years from retirement and wouldn’t listen to reason when we spoke with her. She seems to think she knows exactly how the markets will do over the next few years. She and my father-in-law maintain separate finances, and I’m not confident in his financial health either. My husband is their only child, and if they were to struggle in their retirement, everything would fall on us. We are not willing to have them move in with us in case things go south. How can I convince my in-laws to listen to financial experts? Do I have to sit back and watch their finances (possibly) implode?
A: The most important thing you and your husband can do is make it clear that you’re not available as a backup should your mother-in-law’s investment strategy fail to pay off. You can, of course, still encourage her to see a financial adviser, and you might even offer to pay for an initial consult, but you should still prepare for her to ignore your good advice. Since you’ve still got a few years before your mother-in-law retires, you have plenty of time to warn her about your limits before any possible crisis hits. You and your husband might ask her what her backup plan is if this risky investment strategy doesn’t work out; if her answer is “It’ll work out,” then you can encourage her to cultivate multiple options as well as inform her that you will not be available to provide backup housing.
Better to communicate that now, rather than find yourself faced with saying no for the first time when your in-laws are in the middle of panicking. Plan ahead, too, for what you are willing to do to help if things don’t work out—would you help them find a lawyer? Offer them a loan? Help them to find out what financial support is available to low-income seniors? A gift? Help them keep their house? Do you have a limit in mind of how much money you might be willing to part with?—so that you’ll be able to offer, “You can’t move in with us, but we will help you [fill in the blank].”
Q. Overly caffeinated?: I work in a small department at a major nonprofit. In part because of the constant long hours, stressful work, and contentious climate right now, we tend to socialize/commiserate together. We take turns covering each other, or split the bill for a bigger tab. If I go on a coffee run, I’ll pay, knowing someone else will the next day. There’s no running tab. We’re just conscientious. But is it ever appropriate to treat more junior staff? None of our salaries are great, but I make more than they do. It seems dumb to ask for $3 when I wouldn’t have offered if I couldn’t afford to, but I don’t want anyone to feel condescended to or taken less seriously when others have paid. Is it OK to occasionally “forget” to ask? Of course I take cash for their drink if they offer it.
A: Yes! It’s always appropriate to offer to treat someone junior to you (gifts should always flow downward in the office hierarchy) if you’re up for it. But don’t “forget” to ask to be reimbursed. If you want to buy a cup of coffee for someone entry level in the office, just stop by their desk and say, “I’m going out for coffee. Can I get you anything? My treat.”
Q. I think my friend is ghosting me. What do I do?: “Kate” and I have been very good friends for over 16 years. I was with her when her mom died. She has spent holidays and vacations with me/my family. Last year everything seemed to change. She stopped returning my calls and texts, and then would randomly get in touch with me just about the time I started thinking that she might be really pulling away. Last year was really bad for me and my family—quite a few deaths, etc. She wasn’t there for any of it. No visits, no calls, just one text in response to one of mine. We had plans for everyone to spend Christmas at my sister’s (who she’s also friends with), but she canceled at the last minute. Everyone sent their gifts for her home with me, and I’ve been trying to get them to her, but she won’t return any calls or texts. I even drove them to her work and asked to load them into her car, but she didn’t want me to because she was afraid someone might break into the car. That seems unfounded for that area, especially if they went in the trunk. What do I do? At what point do I just give up? And what am I supposed to do with all of the gifts?
A: Get rid of the gifts. You tried to give them to Kate, and she declined. It’s been over a month since Christmas; they’re now yours to do with as you like. You can, if you like, tell Katie that it’s clear to you she’s no longer interested in being friends and that you’d like to know why, if she’s willing to tell you what’s changed, but be prepared for her to either ignore or deny your question. If she tells you whatever’s caused this new distance, and you think it’s worth trying to solve together, you can give it a shot. If she declines to tell you, or if you think her reasons are selfish or unjustified, then you should accept that things are over between the two of you and grieve the loss of a longtime friendship rather than wasting any more time trying to get her to reconnect.
Q. Is this bullying?: “Maura” is very clearly a bully in her harassing comments and libelous statements about me on a public forum. One thing she did say in her most vicious post tearing me apart struck a nerve. I have a blog, and I expressed my hurt feelings when one of her close friends unfriended me on Facebook but still continued to be friends with other family members. I blogged how I wished she would stop following them but never mentioned her by name or contacted her personally. Maura said that just saying it on the blog post (a one-time thing) makes me a bully. Was I over the line? I never intended to hurt anyone and as a bully victim myself, I like to think of myself as sympathetic.
A: It may not have been over the line—expressing sorrow over being unfriended is hardly bullying—but I think you’ll feel a lot better if you stop reading what Maura writes. If she’s actively harassing you after you’ve asked her to stop contacting you, consider filing a restraining order. If she’s not, block her on social media, stop reading her blog, and give her a wide berth, both online and off.
Discuss this column with Dear Prudence on her Facebook page!
