Dear Prudence

At All Costs

My sister’s obsession with having another baby is hurting her family.

Danny M. Lavery
Danny M. Lavery

Photo illustration by Slate. Photo by Sam Breach.

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Dear Prudence,
In the decade since my sister married her husband (when her daughter was 4 months old), she has suffered from multiple miscarriages and one stillbirth. This has devastated them emotionally and financially and now I think my sister is driving her family to the point of no return. She has been fundraising on Facebook for yet another round of fertility treatments. My brother in-law confessed to my husband that sex only happens when my sister thinks she is ovulating, that he “doesn’t have an actual wife anymore.” My niece has asked me why she isn’t “enough for Mommy.” She has become extremely withdrawn lately, and I am very worried about her. I feel for my sister, but she brushes off all concerns. What can I do? I don’t want to hurt her but at this point she is damaging the family she has in pursuit of the one she dreams of. How can I get her to see that?

—Baby Obsessed

It is, I think, solely your brother-in-law’s obligation to tell his own wife that he’s not happy with their sex life. You and your husband should both strongly encourage your brother-in-law to be honest with your sister about the toll that her single-minded obsession is taking on their marriage, especially if he does not want to have a biological child at the cost of their daughter’s well-being.

As her sister, however, you can still talk to her about what you’ve seen (outside of their bedroom) that’s caused you concern. Tell her that you cannot in good conscience contribute to her fundraiser because you’re worried that her uncompromising quest to have another biological child is wearing her out and negatively affecting her daughter’s development. Make sure you don’t soft-pedal your observations or allow her to brush you off until you’ve said everything you need to say; tell her you’re worried about her physical and mental health, as well as her daughter’s. You can’t necessarily save her marriage, because it’s up to her husband to be honest about what’s not working and what he’s not willing to do, but you can do your level best to reflect reality to her at a time when she seems unable to see things as they are.

* * *
Dear Prudence,
My boyfriend and I have been together for six years. Lately sex has become sporadic. First I was on my period, then he had to work early, then we were too tired to do it or not in the mood and it just spiraled from there. Now we’re looking at around six months without. But I’m OK with it. I’m happy with just hugs and kisses and curling up at night. I have spoken to my boyfriend about this dry spell, and he seems OK too, though he voiced he would like more. Are we just an odd couple or should I be worried? I feel very happy right now, but if I Google, every result says we’re on the verge of a breakup because we’re not having sex.

—Is No Sex Bad?

You say you’re happy, which is absolutely fine, but that your boyfriend merely “seems OK,” and he “would like more,” which doesn’t sound like quite the same thing as happiness. It may be that he’s genuinely easygoing and can thrive in a sexless relationship but wouldn’t be opposed to having sex; or, as seems likely, he’s ambivalent about your situation but is afraid to express dissatisfaction since you’re so comfortable with it. The best thing you can do with him is be honest and say that you love him and that the level of intimacy you’re currently sharing works for you, and that you’d (presumably) be happy staying together and never having sex again. Then ask if he can see himself happy in a similar situation. Don’t just look at what he seems like; ask him directly what he wants, and find out if there’s a workable compromise for the two of you. Were you happy with the sex life you had before this cooldown, or did it feel like a chore you had to get through in order to have a relationship? Would you be willing to have sex more often if that’s what your partner wants, or have you found the only relationship arrangement that works for you? If he’s fine with having sex once a month or so and you’re amenable, then you two get to be as happy as you like, no matter what Google says. If his idea of “more” sex is actually closer to five nights a week and the thought of that makes you miserable, you will have much harder conversations ahead of you.

* * *
Dear Prudence,
I need an unbiased opinion over whether I’m overreacting. My 8-year-old daughter Grace received a kitten for her birthday and loves her cat, Pasta, very much. She’s been talking about Pasta frequently at school, and this annoyed a girl named Holly, who has a history of saying mean things to Grace. During art period, Holly made a clay cat and encouraged the rest of their classmates to take pieces of “Pasta” to “eat.” Grace cried, and the teacher eventually alerted the vice principal. My husband and I have a meeting with Holly’s parents and the school this week, but I know several other parents in the class think this is an overreaction. They’ll allow it was not nice but claim no one knew how upset Grace would become. Are my husband and I out of line for thinking this is bullying that needs to be addressed, at least at an administrative level?

—Class “Butcher”

What Holly did was deliberately unkind, but it seems as if it would have fallen under the individual teacher’s purview, and he or she ought to have been able to stop Holly and told her to apologize. If you are meeting with administrators because you think it’s necessary for Holly to be reprimanded by a vice principal as well as a teacher, then yes, that may be an overreaction. If you’re meeting with administrators because you want to make sure everyone involved at this school has a clear idea of what the policy is on bullying and how to escalate appropriately, then that may fall more within reason.

* * *

Dear Prudence,
My cousin is a single mother who needs rides everywhere. She has to take two buses just to get to the grocery store (with a toddler in tow), and that’s both time- and cost-prohibitive for her. In theory, I don’t mind helping occasionally, and I’m not going to let her go without food or diapers. But I work full time and have a busy life of my own, and I dread getting unexpected texts to drive her to the grocery store after a long day of work and a commute of my own. My mother is the only other person who can help, but she often demurs, which frustrates me because she doesn’t work and has more time to help. My cousin and I recently agreed on a set day each week where I’ll take her to the store, but yesterday she needed a ride on our “off” day and Mom refused to take her, even though she was going shopping anyway. I was in tears at work arguing with my mother about it. The hardest part is I feel like no one does anything nice—or anything at all—for me. I work and pay bills, loan money out, drive people around, bring my mom candy or dessert or leftovers when I go out (to the point that she gets angry if I don’t bring her anything). I’ll probably get a cake on my birthday in a couple of weeks and that’s pretty much it. I fantasize about moving far away so I won’t be available to them. I guess there are a couple of issues here and I’ve made a much overdue appointment with a therapist but was wondering if you have any advice on how to handle all of this. How do I start putting myself first when others constantly need or want something from me?

—Needy Family

Congratulations on starting therapy! There’s one problem that you can fix right away, and that’s your feeling that no one does anything nice for you. Start doing nice things for yourself, right now, and do them every day for at least the next month. Every activity you describe above—working, paying your bills, taking care of your basic daily needs, supporting others—has to do with functioning. You should also, occasionally, enjoy yourself. Take full responsibility for your own well-being so you don’t waste any more time wishing other people would put you first.

Next up: Stop bringing your mother candy and dessert and leftovers when you go out. If she doesn’t like that, well, she is a grown woman and more than capable of purchasing a slice of cake or half a Reuben if she so desires. Any gift-giving routine that’s based on unspoken expectations and resentment is a recipe for misery and disappointment, and you need to disengage. Remember too that you do not owe her an argument when she refuses to help your cousin. You and your cousin have already worked out an arrangement that suits you both, and it’s not your job to make sure your mother holds up her end. Acting as a go-between will only make you feel more frustrated and unappreciated. Your cousin, though, is a different case than your mother. You’re feeling overwhelmed on both fronts, but your cousin at least sounds like she’s in genuine need and is not going out of her way to make things difficult for you. Your compromise of one shopping day a week is a good one, but if the time is bothering you more than the money, consider giving her cab fare or paying for a round trip on a ride-sharing app rather than driving her yourself. You’re right in that there are a lot of different issues at play here, and there will likely be more battles to come, but you don’t have to move across the country in order to set limits with your family.

* * *

Dear Prudence,
I’ve been friends with “Laura” for 15 years and have seen her through many crises. Last fall she lost her job and was evicted, so I invited her and her son to stay with us until she got back on her feet. Laura was a slob who never picked up after herself or her son, did the dishes, or picked up a broom. She spent four months surfing the internet on our couch, while I spent day and night cooking, cleaning, caring for both her child and mine, and working full time (I was also pregnant with twins). When she finally got a job, I sat down with her to discuss a timeline for moving out, and she got upset because she was hoping to stay for several more months. I told her we weren’t kicking her out and that she didn’t have to leave immediately, but that my partner and I had to start preparing for our twins.

A week later we came home to find her, her son, and all their things gone; she’d left a generic thank-you card on the bed with her name on it. I’m really upset at her ungratefulness. She even told mutual friends that I kicked her out. We didn’t speak for a few months, and then when I tried to contact her, she didn’t return my calls because she was still angry that I asked her to find her own place. Through a mutual friend I know she expects at some point to resume our relationship, but I am no longer interested. I’m still hurt that she would end a 15-year friendship after we housed and fed her for four months without more than a perfunctory “thanks.” I feel like conveying this to her would provide me with some closure. Is it OK to write her a letter telling her all this, and that I wish her well but no longer want to be friends?

—Need Closure

It’s understandable you would want to explain your frustrations to your friend given that you spent four months quietly seething in her direction without ever communicating directly that she needed to clean up after herself or setting a firm expectation in terms of how long you were willing to let her stay with you. But don’t let the fact that you failed to communicate adequately before result in excessive communication now—writing out a laundry list of everything she did that drove you crazy might feel cathartic in the moment but won’t net much in the way of productive results. That’s not to say that should Laura reach out, you can never explain how her behavior affected you and your own family. But putting those thoughts in writing and sending them to her out of the blue would be a continuation of the conflict-avoidant behavior that got you in this mess in the first place.

Ask yourself, too, why you chose to continue to clean up after your friend in angry silence for four months rather than having a conversation about house rules and expectations. You’ve learned that’s not a strategy that produces good results; consider finding a new approach as your family expands.

* * *

Dear Prudence,
So this may seem odd, but the experience I had totally dumbfounded me. It’s trash day in the neighborhood on Thursdays. I always walk my dog in the morning, and normally it is before the trucks have come through the neighborhood. After my dog did her business I tossed the bag into a full trash bin on the street as the trucks were coming up the street. The owner of the house opened her door and yelled at me for using her trash bin, and said how dare I use it, it’s not mine, and that I’m a terrible person. I apologized, and we continued home. I never toss the doggy bag into a trash can that is not mine unless it’s full and about to be picked up. Did I do wrong? I am still perplexed on the etiquette of this.

—Doggie Bags

This is totally a thing! This is a huge, divisive Thing, and the internet is full of flame wars over this exact topic, which I find more than a little amazing. By the way, Dear Abby is For it and Ask Amy is Not-For it. Here are the For and Not-For arguments, as I understand them:

FOR:

  • The waste is bagged up and on its way to the dump rather than on the sidewalk, which is a net good.
  • Humans are not so virtuous that they could enjoy primly carrying a full bag for the back half of a 40-minute walk until they get home or get lucky enough to find a public trash can.
  • It is a trash can, the purpose of which is to hold trash.

NOT-FOR

  • It’s possible to mistake a recently emptied can for one awaiting pickup, in which case you’ve just given that neighbor a bag of dog waste to ferment for a week in their side yard.
  • It’s possible the bag isn’t tied as tightly as you thought, thus opening up the possibility of seepage.
  • “I don’t own a dog and therefore my trash can should not have dog poop in it; am I my brother’s keeper?”

The real question, I suppose, is whether or not trash cans should be considered a public good or private property. Generally, most cities own the garbage cans used by private citizens; you can’t move and take your garbage cans with you because you don’t actually own them, which is another argument For, I suppose. Try explaining that technicality to a screaming neighbor, though.

My ruling is this: If my trash can is out on the street and clearly full, anyone’s welcome to fling whatever they need in there, as long as there’s room for it. But I would rather carry a full bag of dog poop to the actual sun and back than get yelled at by one of my neighbors, so in the interest of my guiding principle of never getting yelled at, I generally hold out until I find a public waste bin.

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