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Dear Prudence,
I’ve been good friends with a co-worker for many years. I’m a married woman, he’s a single guy, and over the years it feels like our lives have become so intertwined that I never get a break. We go to the same gym, he travels with my family and friends, and he has generally become a part of my social circle. He’s had some difficulty with boundaries and has slept with several of my married friends when they were going through rough patches in their marriages. I’m not worried this will happen to me, but I find that behavior really troubling. He justifies it by saying their husbands weren’t treating them well enough.
He’s also not shy about criticizing my husband, who’s supposedly his friend. His last affair with one of my good friends was really a breaking point with me, and I’ve stepped away from our friendship over the last year. I changed gyms and stopped socializing with him. The problem is that we still work in the same office. He keeps IMing me to ask when we can get together and discuss the “disconnect” he’s been feeling. I don’t really want to talk to him about it. I feel drained (I just lost a loved one this month) and don’t want to deal with him. What’s my obligation to him, and how can I best extricate myself from this situation? He is very emotional about our friendship, so I’m afraid to just tell him I’m done. I should note that my husband is aware of all aspects of my friendship with this guy, including his affairs, and it’s not an issue in our marriage.
—Backing Out
This guy might win an award for the worst co-worker of all time. He trawls your social circle for married women to have affairs with, he criticizes your husband behind his back (to his own wife!), and now he won’t stop messaging you at work because he’s not getting the same sort of attention he used to be able to reliably depend on from you. You say you don’t worry he’d ever try to have an affair with you, but it seems pretty clear that his campaign to undermine your marriage and monopolize your time shows that he has at least considered an affair with you a possibility. Your obligation to him at this point is pretty much zero; he’s shown none of the necessary interest in your well-being that merits the term “friend.” Focus on remaining professional and distant at work and don’t respond to his requests to meet up and “discuss” your relationship.
That said, I think it’s worth telling him—even if he responds emotionally—that you’re not interested in continuing your friendship because of his repeated attacks on your husband’s character and the fact that he continually puts you in the uncomfortable situation of knowing your friends are cheating on their own husbands with him. Since he hasn’t gotten the hint so far, being clear with him will likely save you energy in the long run. Let him get as emotional as he wants; you have the right to define your own social circle. You only have to say this once, and you don’t have to do it in person if the thought of a drawn-out conversation exhausts you. If he continues to badger you at work, inform your supervisor and HR.
* * *
Dear Prudence,
About four years ago, my brother lived with us while he was between jobs. He was involved with a local girl named “Lisa,” whom I never met, and he ended it abruptly. Later he told me that she had never told him she was married, and that he broke it off with her when he found out. My sons are in preschool now and there is a little boy there who looks exactly like them—dark curly hair, dimples, the works—and whose mother is a blond, blue-eyed woman named Lisa. I spoke with her a few times and learned that her son’s birthday falls within the time she was dating my brother. I looked up her husband online and found out he is much older and also has blue eyes and light hair. I would chalk it up to coincidence, but this boy looks exactly like my sons—it’s eerie. I snapped a few pictures of Lisa and her sons and now I don’t know what to do. My brother lives in another state, and I know he would want to know if he had a son, but it feels like I have a live grenade in my hands. Should I send the pictures to my brother? Mention my brother to Lisa and see if she reacts? I haven’t even told my husband yet.
—Maybe-Nephew
For what it’s worth, it’s not impossible for two blue-eyed people to have a brown-eyed child, despite what most of us were taught in high school. Bear in mind that there is a very real possibility that you are mistaken and that your amateur sleuthing has not resulted in any sort of smoking gun before you decide to speak about this to anyone. While your curiosity is perhaps understandable, taking photos of this boy and his mother with an eye toward questioning his paternity crosses a significant line, and you should definitely not try to “test” Lisa or do anything with the pictures you already have other than delete them.
If you think there’s a strong possibility your brother could have fathered this child, and you believe that he would want to know about it, then your first (and last) step should be to contact him and tell him you believe it’s possible—although not certain—he is the father of Lisa’s son. Remember that your brother may not react positively to this news, and he may decide to do nothing. On the other hand, opening a paternity case may significantly disrupt this little boy’s family life for a long time to come, even if it turns out that your brother is not his father. Whether you raise this with your brother or not, you should bear in mind the significant human cost that may arise from choosing to act. Whatever your brother decides to do, once you’ve passed along the information, your role in this story is over, and you should leave Lisa alone.
* * *
Dear Prudence,
I’m a middle-age woman who has struggled with anorexia my whole life. I’ve been in recovery for about 10 years but have recently relapsed. I am seeing my doctor and therapist regularly and taking good care of myself—my health right now is not the problem. The problem is I’ve lost some weight and people keep complimenting me on it. I want to remind your readers that sudden weight loss is not always a sign of health: I could be sick, or depressed, or any number of things. My question is how do I respond to these compliments? I don’t want to say “thank you” because this can lead to further disordered thinking. I’d like to say, “Thanks, but I have an eating disorder, so I’m hoping this is temporary,” but obviously I don’t want to tell everyone about my illness. My close friends know what’s going on, but how do I respond to “compliments” from acquaintances and strangers?
—Public Commentary
“I’ve been experiencing some health issues lately, but I’m doing better now.” This does, of course, leave you open to the possibility of follow-up questions, which you can always politely deflect. If your goal is to avoid any discussion of health at all, stick with: “Let’s not talk about my weight. How are you doing?”
* * *
Dear Prudence,
I just found out that a co-worker who’s always been hard to deal with (seems to ignore directions and explanations, is often combative, withholds information) has autism. I feel both relieved because this explains her behavior to a certain degree, but also terrible, because we’ve had serious arguments when I thought she was trying to throw me under the bus. We don’t work in the same department but sometimes collaborate on projects. Had I known she had autism (rather than just thinking she’s a jerk) I would have approached our interactions differently. This information is not public knowledge (that I know of); I overheard a friend of hers share it with someone else. What can I do here, if anything? Should I talk to her about our working relationship in light of this? Talk to my supervisor, who knows that I’ve had issues with her? Apologize? Do nothing? I certainly feel like I should change my approach with her, but don’t really know how.
—Miscommunication
Since this is not public information, and your co-worker did not disclose to you directly, it would be inappropriate to approach her and tell her you know she has autism, even if you believe this knowledge will inform your future working relationship. Do not presume that her autism can function as a blanket explanation for all of your difficulty interacting with her. I spoke with John Thompson, a friend and writer who’s also on the spectrum, for further advice:
To arrange a conciliatory meeting in which the LW apologizes for not knowing about her co-worker’s difficulties presumes a lot, and can come off as condescending. She is a grown woman, after all, and autism affects communication more than cognitive function. We don’t know whether she’s felt shame and stigma around her condition. I experience a lot of difficulty navigating relationships and judge myself pretty harshly as I try and “outgrow” my blind spots. Whenever people come to resolve a conflict (often when I’m not even aware a conflict existed) and lead with reassurances about my deficiencies, I feel like Sisyphus at the bottom of the hill. This co-worker could very well not have given a second thought about ignoring directions or withholding info because she doesn’t intuitively understand why those things might be problems. Likewise, if she’s self-conscious about how she fits in, revealing private knowledge of her autism could cause panic—that people are talking about her, or that people see her as dysfunctional or a spectacle.
These are just possibilities, and I’m not an HR manager. Based on what you’ve written, my suggestion would be that if you’re going to talk to the co-worker, don’t bring up autism. Just apologize for your part in the conflicts and ask what you can do to help avoid them in the future (you’ll have to be OK with the possibility of not receiving a reciprocal apology, as the co-worker may or may not recognize the rules she’s broken). Including a supervisor might be a good call if you think you’ll need help strategizing more efficient ways of working together.
* * *
Dear Prudence,
My friend has always been wild, but lately she’s been getting worse and I’m not sure what to do. She’s been partying a lot, and going home with lots of different men, which isn’t a problem by itself, but she constantly tells me how worthless it makes her feel, and seems so upset the next day. I’ve had to pick her up from random guys’ houses, taken her to the hospital for alcohol poisoning, and cleaned up the messes she’s made almost every weekend for the last three months. I even had to convince her boss not to fire her after showing up to work too hungover to function. I want to be there for her (she doesn’t have much family), but it’s starting to negatively affect me—I’m planning on having a baby soon and debated putting it off to be able to focus on her! I don’t think that’s fair to me or my fiancé. I don’t want to leave her out in the cold, but how can I get her to take some responsibility? It’s become too much and I don’t want to resent her or completely cut her off, but I’ve come close. When I call her out, she sheepishly says, “I know,” then I get a call hours later for help.
—How Can I Be a Good Friend?
Say this sentence to yourself out loud: “I’ve considered putting off having a child with the partner I love so that I can help my friend avoid experiencing consequences from her drinking problem.” Does that sound like a sensible decision that will result in long-term personal satisfaction and serenity for you, and independence and robust emotional health for your friend? I know you care about your friend deeply and have more than proved your loyalty and affection, but there’s only so much you can do. You can’t force your friend to take responsibility, but you can stop taking responsibility for her. Resign from the unpaid internships you’ve taken on—tell her that if she’s ever ready to get help for her drinking, you’ll support her, but that until then, you’re not available to act as her chauffeur, to intervene with her boss at work, or to clean her room. Join Al-Anon, or one of the many secular alternatives, if you feel you need help sticking to your decision. Remember that there is no number of rides you could give her and no special vomit-cleaning technique you could apply to her upholstery that will convince your friend to quit drinking. When you make these interventions on her behalf, you are not moving her one iota closer to sobriety or sanity. She doesn’t need to take “some” responsibility; she needs to take sole responsibility for her life, and you’re not doing her any favors by trying to do the job for her.
* * *
Dear Prudence,
How do you empathize with friends when they have comparatively smaller problems? I’ve experienced a lot of violent trauma in my life, as well as severe depression. It can be really difficult to listen to my friends complain about having to wait a whole month before buying a fancy new car, or how hard it is to choose between two great job offers. I want to be a good friend, but it’s hard not to scream, “Those are not real problems” at them. I’m currently in therapy and trying to process these feelings, but I’m actually finding it’s bringing up more anger. Most of the people in my life don’t know what I’ve been through, and I don’t want to turn conversations about their struggles into a discussion of my issues—that would make me a pretty terrible friend. How do I get past this?
—Trouble Empathizing
It’s worth pointing out that the fact that therapy is bringing up more of your anger is not a mistake. That’s precisely what therapy is for, and anger is a completely appropriate response to what you’ve experienced—sometimes anger is the most rational reaction to trauma. That’s not to say you should let your anger dictate your actions, but that feeling angry all the time (for a while, not permanently) is not necessarily a mistake, or a sign that you’re not making progress.
While it’s wonderful to be able to empathize with a friend no matter what they’re going through, you don’t have to pretend that waiting a few weeks to buy a new car is a terrible struggle. Give problems their appropriate emotional weight; you can agree it is perhaps a mild bummer to have to wait to buy a car one is excited about now, but also (cheerfully) remind your friend to be happy it’s even happening. If you’re finding yourself saying things like, “That must be so hard for you,” while internally thinking, “This is not a problem at all,” the emotional dissonance must be acutely painful. Split the difference and respond with milder concern, and you might find yourself less on edge when your friends bemoan their good fortune.
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