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Dear Prudence,
I have a co-worker with whom I had a fairly close office friendship. Over time, I developed a bit of a crush on him. (I am in a relationship, he is single.) In a spectacular mistake, I admitted this to him several months ago. After some awkwardness, our friendship seemed to resume as normal. Then in recent months he noticeably stopped speaking to me. I apologized for mentioning my crush and asked if I did something new to upset him or if my continued presence at work makes him uncomfortable. He dodged both questions, and now will only speak to me when absolutely necessary to get work done using the bare minimum number of words. I feel terrible and don’t want to perpetuate an environment where we’re both on edge around each other. At the same time, I understand his reluctance to talk about it. How can I address this, short of finding a new job?
—Crushing Silence
Follow your co-worker’s lead. Stop asking him why he’s uncomfortable, stop trying to renew your friendship with him, and speak to him only when it’s necessary to get work done. You took the risk of telling someone you work with that you had a crush on him (and, by implication, that you were willing to either leave or cheat on your partner for him), and you have to accept that not only does he not return your feelings, their reveal has permanently altered the nature of your relationship.
You realize this was a mistake, but one of the fundamental realities of mistakes is that sometimes you can feel terrible about what you’ve done and apologize, but that doesn’t make anything better. There’s no going back to an alternate timeline where you didn’t say what you said, and one of the ways you can demonstrate to your co-worker (and to yourself) that you genuinely regret putting him in such an uncomfortable position is by granting him the space he clearly needs. He does not owe you any more explanations, and it won’t help to further explain yourself in an attempt to feel less “on edge” around him. Be professional and polite, stop asking him personal questions, accept that your friendship is over, and grieve in private for what you lost. (And, depending on why you made the confession in the first place, consider ending things with your partner, too.)
* * *
Dear Prudence,
I am a divorced mom with legal custody of my children. Their father was abusive to me, with one incident that involved the children, but otherwise has been a decent father. He has visitation on Wednesday nights as well as every other weekend. I’m finally graduating college this year and am looking at graduate schools. Co-parenting is a farce in our situation as my ex-husband is a very difficult person. I grit my teeth and respond pleasantly most of the time. My question is whether or not it is fair of me to potentially move out-of-state with my children. Being that my ex is so difficult, extremely demanding, manipulative, and emotionally unstable, could it be for the best if I do move? Is it fair to my children?
—Out of State
Before you do anything, you’ll have to check with your lawyer and presumably file an updated visitation schedule with the court. Having primary custody of your children doesn’t mean you can move until you’ve met the legal requirements for your custody arrangement. Moving because you want to go to the best graduate school possible and advance your career prospects is a great idea as long as you go through the appropriate legal channels first. But if you want to move away mainly to escape your unpleasant ex, things might end up backfiring for you. If you and your ex cannot agree on the move, you may have to schedule a court hearing before you can proceed. Better to take your time before moving and make sure the custody agreement is in your favor than run the risk of violating the terms and getting into legal trouble. When it comes to the question of fairness, however, I think you’re very much in the clear. You have primary custody for a reason, your children will benefit from staying with you and from your professional advancement, and their father will be given fair warning through the courts about your new living situation and can prepare his visits accordingly.
* * *
Dear Prudence,
What’s the best way to start the conversation about moving in with someone? The boyfriend and I have been together for a year and a half. I love him and he loves me. But when I head out the door on Monday, I miss him terribly for the rest of the week. He hasn’t lived by himself since before he got married almost 20 years ago. The divorce was recently finalized, and his teenage kid spends most weekends with him (I’m not allowed yet based on the agreement). Sigh. Not sure what to do. To me it’s the natural progression. I want to spend more time with him—help!
—Broaching a Move
You can spend more time with your boyfriend without moving in with him! In between “I miss seeing you during the week” and “I want to move in with you and your teenager right now,” there is a wide and dynamic land of possibilities. You can tell your boyfriend that you want to spend more time with him in between your weekends together, and even that you would eventually like to live with him, but asking to do so now—especially when it would violate the terms of his custody agreement—sounds premature for your situation. Set up a regular lunch date, get together for drinks or dinner on the odd weeknight, invite him over for a sleepover at your place once in a while, and remember that there’s no one-size-fits-all “natural progression” for relationships. Lots of committed, happy couples haven’t yet moved in together at the year-and-a-half mark, and you shouldn’t worry that something’s wrong just because you two still live apart.
* * *
Dear Prudence,
When I was pregnant my husband cheated on me with someone he met at a work event. They had an affair for about a year, even though he has denied that they ever slept together. The woman’s husband, who told me about it, claims otherwise. After confronting my husband, we decided to work on our relationship for the sake of our two kids. However, he has refused to go to couples therapy and refuses to speak about the affair (or deal with our trust issues). This has been going on for three months. I finally caved last weekend and looked through his phone, and she’s still saved as a contact. I know it was wrong of me to check his phone but I felt like I had no choice. What do I do with this? I have a suspicion they are still seeing each other but I have no way to prove it.
—How Do I Trust?
I’m against checking other people’s phones as a rule, but all humans have limits. Finding out that your husband cheated on you while you were pregnant, then seeing him refuse to either admit it or go to counseling is bound to push almost anyone to the absolute fringes of their patience, so go easy on yourself for what is, in comparison to your husband’s actions, a minor fault. Your husband is refusing to be honest with you after a tremendous betrayal, and in the absence of a good-faith discussion, you snooped. He’s shut you out in every possible way—you can’t work on your marriage against his will, and if he refuses to tell the truth, talk to a counselor, or acknowledge the problems in your marriage, you’ll have to make decisions on your own about your future. Go to therapy by yourself even if your husband refuses to join you. You just had a newborn together, so now might not be the easiest time, financially or emotionally, for you to file for divorce, but that doesn’t mean you can’t start thinking about what you want the next phase of your life to look like—with or without him.
* * *
Dear Prudence,
My mother has always wanted to take her three children on a cruise. My brother hates boats, and my sister and I are usually too busy between work and school. I’m the only one who lives with my mom, and we also work together. She just told me she booked a weeklong cruise for the two of us! I’m in college, and this trip is scheduled in the middle of my classes. My mom didn’t even run it by me before buying tickets, which is unusual for her.
If I miss more than three classes I drop a full letter grade, and going on vacation with my mother is not good enough for my professors to overlook a full week’s absence. I also recently adopted a dog who still needs a lot of daily care. I can’t spare this time, and I wouldn’t want to even if I could. I know my mother is trying to be nice, and I do appreciate it, but I don’t want to go on a cruise at all, I don’t want to leave my new dog for a week, and I can’t miss that much school. She’s already paid for it, but I’m a broke college kid—I couldn’t possibly reimburse her. This has me stressed out to the point of tears.
What an exciting, terrifying opportunity for you to start setting limits in your adult relationship with your mother! There’s a sort-of cheesy expression that adorns a great many cubicle walls that I think will aid you during this process: “Lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part.” While I don’t recommend you say that exact phrase to your mother, it’s the primary principle you ought to bear in mind as you tell her you can’t, and won’t, join her on this cruise. Here’s a basic script for how that conversation should go: “Mom, I appreciate that you were looking for something fun for us to do together, but you didn’t check to see if I wanted to go or would be be able to take time off of school before booking the tickets, and I won’t be able to join you. I hope you can find someone else to go or make other arrangements.”
That’s all you have to say. Your mother cannot make you go on a cruise. She cannot frog-march you out of a lecture and up the gangplank or take you to court for the cost of a ticket you never asked her to buy. You don’t have to convince her your reasons are good enough or get her to like your decision: You just have to say no. Since you live and work with your mother, I imagine at least part of your stress is caused by the prospect of setting a limit with someone whose daily life is so deeply enmeshed with your own. It may feel daunting, it may feel new, it may even result in some short-term conflict and guilt-tripping, but you can absolutely do it.
* * *
Dear Prudence,
Recently, flying home from a business trip, the toddler seated on his mother’s lap behind me kicked my chair during the hourlong flight. I’m a mom too, and I know traveling with kids is hard, so I didn’t say anything. After we landed, I stood up to disembark and the woman apologized. I smiled but didn’t say anything; the woman turned to her companion and snapped, “Whatever! Kids are kids!” What’s the right thing to say in that situation?
—Airplane Manners
Nothing! Glorious nothing. A friendly smile is a totally appropriate response to a casual apology from a stranger. It would have been fine to say something like “I know traveling with kids is hard, it’s no problem,” but you were under no obligation to do anything other than politely acknowledge her apology. It sounds like this woman was more than a little on edge already, and you shouldn’t think your silent smile was the last straw that forced her over it.
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