Q. Separate beds for a happily married couple?: My wife and I are happily married, but I relish when I am able to sleep alone. This is because I snore and she wakes me up six to 10 times a night, and also because she gets up twice a night to use the bathroom. We have a spare bedroom, and when either of us is sick, I’ll sleep in it and get an uninterrupted rest. The problem is if I try to extend my stay in the guest room, my wife sees it as an affront to our relationship. When does a good night’s sleep outweigh conventional opinions about where spouses should sleep?
A: The fact that your wife wakes you up six to 10 times a night is an affront to your relationship—that’s no way for a couple to get through the night. That’s like having a newborn made of snoring and resentment in bed with you, and it’s a miracle that you two haven’t yet suffered total breakdowns as a result of chronic sleep deprivation. The conversation you need to have with your wife is this: Continuing to sleep in the same bedroom when you both wake one another up (accidentally or purposefully) as many as 12 times a night is unacceptable, and it’s not going to continue, for the sake of your health and the love you bear for one another. You two can explore various interventions for your snoring—earplugs, white noise machines, getting tested for sleep apnea and possibly using a CPAP machine—but in the meantime, you can’t address this issue calmly and lovingly with so little sleep under your belt. Make it clear that you love your wife, and you’re not sleeping in the guest bedroom to punish her, but because you have a physical, human need for a good night’s sleep—and so does she.
Q. How to avoid tricky conversations with people who think they agree with you: My boyfriend’s roommate is a liberal feminist straight ally—in his mind. In my mind he is woefully unaware of his own biases. We had a good relationship until the night he drunkenly called me a cheap Jewish thief. I am none of the above and had to explain repeatedly that I have no Jewish ancestry. The issue developed that this roommate engages me often for advice and political discussion in which he talks over me, doesn’t listen, tells me I’m wrong, and generally debates me. It’s exhausting. I spend 15 nights a month at their house, which is going to be the norm till my boyfriend and I move. How do I navigate this man without being antagonistic?
A: This guy is an unreconstructed asshole, straight up, and you should feel no compunction whatever about denying him the chance to “debate” you, especially since his idea of debating sounds like ceaseless monologuing. This dude does not have a right to demand you listen to his one-man jerk performance art if he can’t meet the basic conversational criteria of being respectful and capable of listening. Whenever he tries to engage you, don’t. “No thanks, I don’t want to debate with you.” If he won’t let it go, leave the room; if he persists, consider spending fewer nights over at your boyfriend’s place. You don’t have to spend half of every month with someone who calls you a “cheap Jewish thief,” doesn’t apologize, and demands you become a permanent audience member to his bad political theater.
Your boyfriend, by the way, should be backing you up relentlessly on this. Does he know what his roommate called you? Did he make it clear that it was racist and way out of line, and insist that he apologize to you at once? Or does he think you should just let it go and try not to make waves? If it’s the latter, let him know that you need his full and active support immediately—a partner who won’t defend you from a tireless, racist bore isn’t much of a partner at all. If it’s the former, great. Enlist his help in making sure your roommate keeps his remarks civil until he can move out.
