Dear Prudence

Help! When We Have Sex, My Husband Climaxes in 10 Seconds.

Dear Prudence answers more of your questions—only for Slate Plus members.

Every week, Danny M. Lavery answers additional questions from readers, just for Slate Plus members.

Q. Craving more: I am married to a wonderful, kind, caring, intelligent man who is normally a good communicator. Our sex life has never been great or mind-blowing, but I’ve always let this take a back seat to other parts of the relationship that are more fulfilling. I have a stronger libido than my husband, but he and I have worked through that particular issue, compromising on how often we’ll have sex (I would like to get busy at least twice a week, while he is more of a twice a month kind of guy).

As time goes on, however (we’ve been together for a few years, married for just over one), I am growing more and more frustrated. The problem? My husband, who is in otherwise good health, climaxes within about 10 seconds of penetration. I’m not exaggerating. The only time he’s able to last longer is if he’s drunk, and then he has problems climaxing himself, leaving him frustrated and me sore.

This has always been the case in our relationship, and I’ve always pushed it aside thinking it would get better. It hasn’t. I should say that he is very committed to foreplay and works hard to get me to climax, either through masturbation or oral sex. But I really would like to experience more than 10 seconds of penetration before it’s all over. I’m left feeling incredibly frustrated every time we have sex, and I know that he is embarrassed by the situation.

I have tried to discuss the issue with him (always outside the bedroom, not right after we’ve had sex) and have asked if there’s anything I can do to help him last longer. He says, “Probably not,” then shuts the conversation down. I am at my wit’s end. I want a fulfilling sex life, but he isn’t willing to discuss the matter or explore solutions.

Could there be an underlying medical issue? How can I approach this so that I’m not facing a pretty barren sexual landscape for the next several decades? For the record, I do not enjoy masturbation myself and have difficulty climaxing without a partner, so self-pleasure isn’t really a solution to my frustrations.

A: Masturbation might be the answer to your problems, just not in the way that you think.

You could have your husband get himself off a half-hour or so before you two have penetrative sex. Or he could penetrate you with a dildo or a vibrator until you have an orgasm if he comes well before you. He could wear a cock ring; they’re like $20 and you can order one online and have it by tomorrow. There are plenty of ways to work with partners who come on really different schedules.

The real problem, though, is that he’s not willing to “discuss the matter or explore solutions” with you—there are plenty of workarounds for what you two are experiencing physically, but not much for a total communications freeze-out. You two were apparently able to talk about the frequency of your sex life and arrive at a workable compromise together, so your husband is clearly capable of talking about sex up to a certain point.

Tell him what you told me: “Normally you’re a really good communicator and really attentive to my needs, so it’s a little confusing that whenever we try to talk about penetration, you shut down. I don’t want to feel like we can’t talk about what we need from each other sexually, and I’m trying to tell you that it’s important for me to climax through penetration at least some of the time. I want to talk about ways we can make that happen, even if you come before I do.”

“Coming before I do” is a generally preferable phrase. There’s nothing wrong, on its face, with coming quickly, and I don’t think you should make value judgments about how slowly or quickly he comes from penetration. The problem isn’t that he comes as soon as he penetrates you; the problem is that he wants to pretend there’s nothing to be done about it and no compromise to be reached. There are plenty.