Every week, Mallory Ortberg answers additional questions from readers, just for Slate Plus members.
Q. My aggressive stepdaughter wants to see my children: I married an older widower with an adult daughter, Marina. Together we had two children, Tim and Lex, ages 5 and 3. This past spring, my husband died unexpectedly.
Marina has untreated mental health issues and is, by turns, paranoid and aggressive. She has been fired from her last two jobs because of outbursts she directed at co-workers, and her behavior also means it’s difficult for her to find steady housing.
Now that my husband has passed, I’m not sure what I want Marina’s relationship with Tim and Lex to be. She adores them, but she has also frightened them by screaming at me. When I won’t allow Marina to watch Tim and Lex, or when I tell her not to stop by the house unannounced, she sends me expletive-filled emails. Before he died, my husband said that until Marina saw a counselor, he wanted to limit her time with our children. What do I owe Marina?
A: You owe Marina basic respect and compassion, I think. This does not mean you owe her time with your children, particularly if she frightens them. You also owe yourself, and your children, the right to safety and to advocate for your own boundaries. This means telling Marina that she may not see your children as long as she is unable to keep from screaming and cursing at you in front of them, and that while you wish her the best in receiving treatment for her mental health issues, you’re not going to let her spend time with her half-siblings, supervised or otherwise. Then stick to your guns. It does not sound as if Marina is capable of being a loving, supportive presence in your children’s lives. That’s very sad, and in some ways is out of her control, but you cannot help her by allowing her to unleash invective in front of your children.
