Danny M. Lavery, aka Dear Prudence, is online weekly to chat live with readers. An edited transcript of the chat is below. (Sign up below to get Dear Prudence delivered to your inbox each week. Read Prudie’s Slate columns here. Send questions to Prudence at prudence@slate.com.)
Readers! Ask me your questions on the voicemail of the Dear Prudence podcast. Just leave a message at 401-371-DEAR (3327), and you may hear your question answered on a future episode of the show.
Q. Kinky, cross-dressing, or trans? Does it matter?: My partner of many years and I are straight and in our 40s. He is very masculine. I think he is very sexy. A few years ago, we playfully picked out panties for him to wear. It was hot. He got rid of his other underwear. Then he started wearing other lingerie in the bedroom. It was hot. Now he has started to wear it around the house and under his work clothes. I thought we were just kinky, but I’m starting to wonder if it is more than that. Is it silly for me to think we don’t need to put a label on this, that it’s just clothes he likes, the same way I like yoga pants? It is hot! But what if he wants to put a label on? What if he is trans and isn’t sure how to tell me? Does any of this matter? How do I let him know I love and support him in whatever way he wants to show himself to the world? I don’t even know how to bring it up, or if there is any point. If it’s just clothes he likes, I don’t want to make a big deal about it like it is an important part of his identity. But if it is important to him, I want him to know he has my love and support.
A: This letter was lovely, honest, and supportive; I think if you were to tell your partner exactly what you told me—that you’ve enjoyed his cross-dressing, and wanted to check in to see if he sees it as something mostly private and sexual, if he’s learning something new about his identity, and that you love and support him and want to know as much about his desires as he’s willing to reveal to you. (I should insert a caveat here that cross-dressing does not “lead” to coming out as trans any more than being bisexual “leads” to being gay; you’re not making predictions, just checking in.) His answer matters in the sense that knowing and being known matter, especially in a romantic partnership. Whatever answer he gives you, it sounds like you’ll be able to talk about it well together.
Q. Can’t forgive can’t forget: When I was 13, my older brother tried to rape me. I escaped because my mother came into the room and interrupted him. I confided in my older sister the truth of what happened and she took a wrench to the back of my brother’s head in front of our entire family. She gave him a concussion and shattered his knee before they pulled her off him. My sister went to juvenile hall, and I went to live with my great-grandmother until I graduated high school. I reconnected with my sister and discovered my brother had been molesting her for years, and she stayed silent because she thought she was protecting me.
I confronted my mother and other relatives with the truth, and they told me my sister and I were crazy, rotten liars. Since then my sister has gotten married and her master’s, and I am engaged to a wonderful man—I keep up on my family’s Facebook feed and send my mother a card on Christmas and her birthday. Now my brother is going to jail for child porn and solicitation. My aunt is trying to raise money so my mother will not lose her house. I am torn. I am in a position where I can help my mother financially, but I want her to admit the truth. I am not sure what to do or if I should. Please advise.
A: This is one of the saddest letters I’ve ever received. Your relatives, with the exception of your sister, have repeatedly chosen to deny reality in order to protect a sexual predator from the consequences of his actions. The fact that your mother interrupted your own brother while he tried to rape you, yet joined your other relatives in trying to convince you that you were not telling the truth about your own sexual assault, is a monstrous moral failure. Save your money for therapy, or a vacation to somewhere beautiful and peaceful and far away from these people. I fear that if watching her own son try to assault his younger sister did not enable your mother to “admit the truth” that nothing ever will, and that the best thing you can do for your own health and well-being is to keep your family members (with the exception of your sister) far away from you.
Q. Son’s wedding: My older son recently married his longtime partner. Their wedding was attended by 100-plus, and a good time was had by all. My sister and brother-in-law, who belong to a very rigid, judgmental church, refused to attend. Rather than politely declining, they found it necessary to send my son a hateful email, filled with vitriolic comments about the evils of homosexuality, and why they couldn’t be involved in such a travesty. Needless to say, they caused some hurt feelings.
Now my younger son has announced his engagement, and wedding plans are underway. Younger son has told me privately that my sister and BIL will not be invited to his wedding. He said that if they couldn’t celebrate my older son’s love, why should they be invited to celebrate his? While I can definitely see his point, I’m afraid excluding them will cause more hurt and resentment, and I’ve urged him to take the high road and invite them. So far he is standing firm, but his wedding isn’t until next year and things could change. I asked his fiancée if she agreed with his decision, and she said, “Mom, I think I should stay out of this one.” Should I let it go? If my younger son stands firm in his decision, should I let my sister and BIL know that they will not be invited and why? I’m already dreading the holidays because of the way they treated my older son and his husband, and I fear it’s all going to get worse before it gets better.
A: I think your younger son is taking the high road by standing up for his brother. Good for him. Your in-laws have already created plenty of hurt and resentment by emailing your older son about how evil his love for his husband is; I don’t think your younger son could add much to the pile of resentments that they haven’t already. It’s a pretty low bar to ask that the people attending your wedding have not sent vile, cruel, homophobic screeds to your siblings, and I think your son is perfectly right to ask all of his guests to clear said bar before they get to enjoy free food and drinks on his behalf.
Q. How do I respond to a fake invitation?: I have an extended family member with whom I was quite close most of my life. We used to spend all holidays together until the last few years when some family drama (not between us) changed the celebratory configuration. He has recently moved in with his girlfriend, who has always invited me to holiday dinners. In the past, I’ve been unable to attend due to prior engagements. I was recently invited to their Thanksgiving. However, I found out from another relative that this invitation (as all past have been, apparently) is, well, fake. She has found out in advance that I have other plans and then asks me if I’d like to attend so that she can appear gracious, while not having to worry about the head count. This Thanksgiving, I was actually considering going until I heard her motivations. And I actually didn’t make other plans this year (she had heard mistakenly that I had). Now, I don’t feel welcome and my feelings are hurt. Is this something I could bring up to her? Or do I just follow the routine, and thank her for her invitations while consistently making other plans?
A: You may be assigning malicious intent where there isn’t one. Your relative’s girlfriend has (not unreasonably) assumed that you will be unable to attend this year based on your past non-attendance; it’s likely that she said something casually about being able to safely predict your RSVP status that your source misinterpreted as something more sinister. You don’t say that she’s otherwise unfriendly or standoffish, so don’t assume she’s trying to cold-shoulder you unless and until her behavior bears this theory out. If you can make it this year, go, and have a good time.
Q. No sex, no love?: I’ve been dating my boyfriend for four years, and for the majority of that time we’ve been very happy together. However, he has anxiety issues, and they have worsened recently and it’s driving a wedge between us. I am as supportive as I can be and have recommended that he seek out therapy or medication. The big issue is that he has stopped initiating sex, which leaves me feeling undesired. We’ve talked about this a few times, but nothing has changed—he’ll initiate that night, but fall back into the same routine. After about a year of this, I realized that I’m no longer physically attracted to him. At the beginning of our relationship we had great chemistry, but now I have no desire to kiss or touch him. Is this just something that all long-term couples experience? How can we get back on the right track? And if there’s no saving this, how on Earth do I break it to him?
A: One thing that I think is important to do here is to distinguish between your boyfriend’s issues with anxiety and your overall compatibility. He is struggling with untreated anxiety, and you’ve encouraged him to seek professional help, which is great, and you should continue to do so. If, however, you are unhappy with the current status of your relationship (and I think a year of feeling undesired, of having inconsistent sex, and of losing your physical attraction to him qualifies as unhappiness), you should ask yourself if you still want to be in this relationship. He may still be a wonderful person whose mental health you want to support, but if the idea of kissing him leaves you cold, it may be that your romantic relationship has reached its natural conclusion.
That said, I don’t think you should choose a breakup as your first option. You’ve talked sporadically about the issue of initiating sex, but you should have a big-picture conversation. Be gentle but honest: You love him, but your sex life is no longer satisfying, and it’s no longer a question of who’s initiating physical contact, but of long-term compatibility. If he’s interested in trying couples counseling with you together, or is willing to reciprocate your honesty, you two might be able to see if you can rekindle your connection; if he isn’t, it might be time to acknowledge that you two make better friends than lovers.
Q. Re: Son’s wedding: “While I can definitely see his point, I’m afraid excluding them will cause more hurt and resentment”—they didn’t seem concerned about the hurt and resentment they caused your other son when they sent that hateful and spiteful letter. They could have just sent regrets, as you say. That behavior was beyond the pale. I think you should let your other son support his brother in this way—and perhaps you should too.
A: That’s it exactly—they didn’t just send their regrets, they went out of their way to torpedo their relationship with the son.
Q. Can I use her political fanaticism to dump my toxic alcoholic sister?: My sister called me while drunk the other day, literally screaming at me, because I wrote an admiring Facebook post about Michelle Obama. She screamed that, “I’d gone too far,” and that “thank God our parents are dead, because they would be so ashamed.” (They wouldn’t) She’s been an alcoholic since we were teenagers, and, as a middle-age woman now, I am completely over it. Of course, there are other issues that are typical family of origin stuff. We don’t talk much. I call her every few months, we have a terrible conversation in which she, drunk as usual, says stupid stuff, and repeats it endlessly. By now, you are probably wondering why I’m still hanging on to this toxic relationship. It’s because my parents drilled into me, “You never turn your back on family.” And they never did turn away from her, even after it got so bad they hired a private detective to find her during her OxyContin stage. I try to live in a way that honors my parents. We were very close, and I miss them terribly. So, I feel guilty even thinking of ending my relationship with my sister. But, as of today, she has blocked me on Facebook because I’m pro-Hillary. If I don’t make the effort to reconnect, she’ll just disappear from my life. And I am OK with that. Except for the feeling that I’d be betraying my parents. At what point are we free from the wishes of late, beloved parents?
A: Setting limits with your sister is not a betrayal of your parents. It sounds like the current relationship you have with your sister is a phone call every three or four months that deteriorates into shouted incoherence, which isn’t much of a relationship at all. You’re not “turning your back” on your sister if you tell her that you love her but you aren’t going to put up with her verbal abuse. Ask yourself what conditions you’d be willing to speak to your sister under—would she have to be sober, at least for the length of your conversation? Would she have to speak with at least a bare minimum of politeness? Would you want her to apologize for her past behavior? If you’re able to see a way to continue to chat with her, then by all means let her know you’re willing to talk on the phone as long as it stays civil, but that you’ll hang up if she starts drunkenly rambling or calling you names. You can’t force your sister to have a relationship with you, and it seems pretty clear from her behavior that she’s not really interested in one. That’s sad, but it’s not you who is betraying your parents—this is your sister’s choice.
Q. Food hoarder in the workplace: I’ve been at my company for the past four years. Over the years, I’ve always heard talk about “Patty” and her food hoarding. It wasn’t until I started witnessing it myself—stashes of food hidden high above cabinets, plastic bags found months later with rotted food, stinky fridges—that it was confirmed. I looked into what could cause such behavior, and it points to childhood abuse. Now, I am not trying to diagnosis from my desktop. However, I am worried. Everyone talks about Patty’s problem, but no one wants to help/say anything. In my opinion, if someone’s actions are affecting not only the person but others … it’s time for help. I don’t know what to do. Should I say something? Advise the one and only person in HR to do something?
A: I think it would be very difficult for you to approach your co-worker about a private mental health issue (and what you’ve assumed, perhaps incorrectly, is connected to childhood abuse) in a way that was both useful and professional, but I think it would be not at all difficult for you and your co-workers (with the help of HR) to institute a reasonable set of rules for the kitchen. Many offices have shared-kitchen deadlines where all food is thrown out of the fridge every other Friday in order to prevent situations like the one you’ve described. There’s no need to force Patty to discuss the details of her childhood, but it’s perfectly reasonable to develop an officewide policy and put up notices around the kitchen, as well as assign someone to enforce basic, common-sense rules (like “rotting food in the fridge or cabinets will be thrown out.”)
Mallory Ortberg: That’s it for today! See you next week.
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