Dear Prudence

Insult to Injury

Prudie counsels a woman whose father called her an “idiot” for not reporting her rape at the time.

Danny M. Lavery
Danny M. Lavery

Photo illustration by Slate. Photo by Sam Breach.

Mallory Ortberg, aka Dear Prudence, is online weekly to chat live with readers. An edited transcript of the chat is below. (Sign up below to get Dear Prudence delivered to your inbox each week. Read Prudie’s Slate columns here. Send questions to Prudence at prudence@slate.com.)

Readers! Ask me your questions on the voicemail of the Dear Prudence podcast. Just leave a message at 401-371-DEAR (3327), and you may hear your question answered on a future episode of the show.

Mallory Ortberg: Hi, everyone. Let’s chat!

Q. Jab at painful past: When I was 18, I was raped by a guy I had been friends with since eighth grade. It was an awful event in my life and something I have worked to heal from. I didn’t tell my parents for nearly a year, and when I did, their reaction was to call him and his parents against my will and make it into a huge scene. The guy who raped me admitted what he had done and apologized profusely. Fast-forward to this year’s election, I told my father that I couldn’t imagine a man like Trump leading our country who had been accused of sexually assaulting many women (and there was much credible evidence to support such accusations). He stated that the women should have come forward at the time. When I reminded him that I didn’t come forward at the time of my rape, he called me an “idiot” for not doing so. He hasn’t apologized. I don’t know how I am supposed to go home for the holidays to a father who could say something like that to me. I also think he was drunk and had fallen off the wagon on Election Day (after alleged months of sobriety). Where do I go from here?

A: You weren’t an “idiot” for not disclosing your rape sooner—you had been profoundly betrayed by someone you knew and trusted, you were only 18 years old, you were bewildered and alone. You were frightened and isolated, not stupid, and it’s breathtakingly cruel of your father to conflate the two, especially after he seemed to justify your initial decision by both over- and underreacting to your revelation—overreacting in that he unilaterally decided to hold a family-style confrontation against your wishes, underreacting in that he decided a mere apology was sufficient reparation.

I don’t think you should go home for the holidays this year, and I think you should tell your parents exactly why. “Given how difficult it was for me to tell anyone about my own rape, it hurts me deeply that you would call me a ‘idiot’ for not coming forward sooner. I wasn’t an idiot. I’d been betrayed by someone I considered a friend, and doing my best in a very difficult situation. My fear of speaking up was later justified in the way you handled my disclosure, and it’s behavior like that that often makes victims of sexual assault afraid to speak up. If you truly think it was idiotic of me, as an 18-year-old who had been raped by a close friend, to need time to build up the energy to tell the people I loved, then I don’t think we can have a relationship.” If your father is able to apologize and try to listen to you, then you may decide reconciliation is possible, but I don’t think you should be aiming for going home for the holidays this year. If you’re not already in counseling, I encourage you to do so and make plans for yourself this year that sound relaxing, restorative, and peaceful. Take all the time that you need.

Q. “Privilege”?: Lately, my daughter is being harassed at school. We are Hispanic U.S. citizens, but she keeps being asked when she’s going to be deported. I was very hurt and I brought it up to a couple of friends, telling them that I believe the current rhetoric is responsible for this. They immediately got defensive and blamed the current president for any racist rhetoric. I was shocked and told them their privilege did not allow them to see it. One of them blew up at me for using the word privilege and I ended up apologizing, explaining that we all have certain privileged views that sometimes don’t allow us to see where others are coming from. But I keep going back to the conversation and wondering if I was wrong to use that word. Your thoughts? I’m also conflicted because these friends have been incredibly good friends in the past, but their views floored me. Is it possible to remain good friends with people who hold views that hurt you?

A: I find it striking that your friends seemed more upset that you suggested they may experience privilege that might distort their perspective than they were at hearing your daughter is suffering racist harassment at school. Your friends were unable to empathize with your daughter’s suffering because they believe having their worldview challenged is worse than being told you are going to be deported due to your ethnicity—it’s related to the classic “Being called a racist is somehow worse than experiencing racism” fallacy. You were not wrong to use the word privilege in a conversation about targeted harassment, and the fact that your friends were unable to hear gentle criticism without responding defensively and reflexively suggests that you may be unable to have very productive relationships with them in the future. If you are to have any sort of meaningful friendship with either of them, they will need to be able to listen without immediately needing to respond with a justification. You cannot do this for them.

Q. Suicide of a colleague’s spouse?: A co-worker and I are good enough friends that we’ve hung out occasionally and had deep conversations at work about her mentally ill husband. Two months ago, she began divorce proceedings because a flirtation with a colleague made her realize the marriage was over and she couldn’t stay in it solely because her husband depended on her so much. I supported her as she struggled to find ways to keep a relationship with him for the benefit of his health and their 3-year-old’s life, and protect herself from his attacks including showing up at work to explain how she failed him. Today, I found out indirectly that she’s been absent since yesterday because her husband died by suicide. I cannot imagine the grief and (unwarranted) guilt she must be facing and want to text or send an email to her personal account. But we don’t regularly talk and I technically haven’t been told by her or anyone else. I don’t want to be an emotional vulture that inserts themselves in people’s drama, but I would like to be there for her. Advice?

A: You are not being an emotional vulture if you acknowledge reality. Your impulse is a kind and a thoughtful one. I think this merits a call over a text or an email. Tell your friend that you heard her husband had died, that you’re so sorry for her loss, that if there is anything you can do to be helpful in the coming days and weeks, you’re here for her. You don’t have to go into detail or ask her to share her most private feelings with you. It’s also perfectly fine to say: “I don’t know what to say.” Sometimes, in the midst of great grief, the people around us back off because they’re afraid of “inserting themselves” or of saying the wrong thing, which has the unintended effect of isolating the very person they’re trying to protect. Tell her that you don’t want to overstep any boundaries, and that there is no need for her to return your call if she does not want to, but that you care deeply about her, understand that her situation is fraught, complicated, and painful, and that you support her and want to help in any way you can. Imperfect, tongue-tied support is better than standing off to the side because you’re afraid of being seen as “interfering” or of saying the wrong thing. I think she will welcome your help.

Q. Husband needs to get a clue: My spouse sent a picture of our son-in-law and a buck he shot to his female boss who is younger and attractive and shapely with the caption in text saying how he is helping drag the deer off the mountain. Sounds like nothing, but he sent it to her out of the blue and lied (he was not helping him drag it out). I feel as though he wanted to impress her somehow with this. We had a fight about it, and he said he did nothing wrong. His boss didn’t even respond. I don’t have a problem with her, I have a problem with why he would do this. We have been married for 34 years and I guess he just doesn’t have a clue as to how this upsets me? Am I overreacting?

A: I have so many questions about this! How on earth did you come to see the text message your husband sent his boss? Why would he think that a picture of his son-in-law holding a dead deer would impress her? Why do you think a picture of your son-in-law with a dead deer would impress her? Who, if anyone, is actually helping your son-in-law drag said deer off the mountain? I’m never going to get even half the information I need on this question, so I’ll make my ruling as best as I can with what I’ve been given: Your husband’s sin was venial, not mortal; he embellished a personal anecdote in order to look a little stronger and more interesting to someone else. It’s a little petty, and a little embarrassing, but it’s not necessarily a sign that he’s trying to hit on his boss so much as a sign that he wants people to think he carries more deer than he actually does. It’s silly, and not his best self, but it’s not a betrayal of your vows. If you happened to see this message by accident, fine; if you went looking through his text messages trawling for an excuse to start a fight, I think you should apologize and mend your ways. If he’s given you other reasons to think he has inappropriate feelings for his boss, that’s a separate conversation the two of you need to have.

Q. Friendship over and out?: What do you say about a 25-year friendship that seems one-sided? My friend spends all our time together talking mostly about how great her kid is, and I find it boring. I’ve tried the usual: change the subject, ask about her, or talk about myself, other interests, etc., and yet nothing changes. I see her less and less and she has noticed, but I don’t want to come out and say, you’re boring the hell out of me with your talk! I know lots of parents and I get wanting to talk about one’s kids, but this is too much. We have politics in common, but not much else. We live near one another, but have different routines so don’t bump into one another often. She’s obviously obsessed with her kid, but I find him to be a smug little guy with a sense of entitlement. Any thoughts, i have many other wonderful friendships so don’t really feel the lack when it comes to her.

A: There is no polite way to maintain a more-casual friendship with her and also say “I hate your son,” so I think your current policy of slow-yet-steady downgrading her into acquaintanceship is the best way to go. If your friend does more than notice the change in your relationship and flat-out asks you why you’re not spending as much time together, I think you could plausibly tell her what you told me: that you understand how much she loves her son but that you find he’s often the only topic of conversation, and while you don’t want her to pretend he doesn’t exist, you’d rather spend more time talking about other interests. If you don’t think there’s any way to tell her without causing an irreparable rift, then stick with a polite fiction (“I’m just so busy these days!”) and continue (mostly) screening her calls.

Q. The limits on pop culture embargoes within a relationship: Can you provide a definitive guide to when it is or is not appropriate to ask your partner to wait to watch an episode of a TV show? I introduced my long-distance partner to Westworld, and they are now asserting that I should wait for our twice-monthly visits to watch new episodes with them. We split an HBO account, so they have the ability to stream, but would prefer that we watch the show together in person. To be totally fair, binge-watching Battlestar Galactica was one of the great pop culture bonding experiences of our relationship. So far I have been rather cut-throat, and refused to wait, and it’s causing some trench-digging about the Way We Experience Narratives Together. Am I off-base for thinking it’s unreasonable to ask me to dodge spoilers and fight my own curiosity for two weeks at a time? I need answers, Jonathan Nolan!

A: I have no loyalty when it comes to watching prestige television. Watch it when you want to. Life is uncertain and if it brings you great joy to find out what the cowboy robots are going to do next at the same time as everyone else, you should watch those cowboy robots right now, and find something less based on up-to-the-minute plot twists and reversals to watch with your long-distance partner.

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