Get Dear Prudence delivered to your inbox each week by signing up in the box below. Please send your questions for publication to prudence@slate.com. (Questions may be edited.)
Got a burning question for Prudie? He’ll be online here on Slate to chat with readers each Monday at noon. Submit your questions and comments here before or during the live discussion.
Readers! Ask me your questions on the voicemail of the Dear Prudence podcast. Just leave a message at 401-371-DEAR (3327), and you may hear your question answered on a future episode of the show.
Dear Prudence,
This summer, I dated a guy I met through our internship program for a few months. The relationship was very intense, but we live on different sides of the country, and I broke things off a few weeks after we left because I wasn’t ready for a long-term, long-distance commitment. A few months later, he called me out of the blue and told me he’d gotten a serious medical diagnosis, and wanted to bring up our past relationship. I’d been missing him and felt terrible for him, so I promised to visit and talked about the future with him.
A week into our reconnection, he started getting possessive and irritated that I wasn’t spending enough time talking to him. He’d say things like I was the only thing in his life worth fighting for, and I had to tell him that while I cared for him, he was making me feel uncomfortable; he responded by telling me that he had lied about the original diagnosis and that it was much worse and he didn’t “have much time left.” I honestly did not know what to think of this, and perhaps in shock, I canceled my plans to see him and haven’t spoken to him since. I feel guilty, that regardless of our past relationship, simply because I care about him as a person, I owe him some measure of compassion in this really messed-up place in his life. I also feel ashamed that I’m being selfish, that I don’t want to accept the responsibility of being there for him as he dies. I want to reach out and apologize for overreacting, but I also don’t want to be subject to a situation where he expects me to be an emotional crutch from the other side of the country. I don’t really know what the right answer here is.
—How to Help
There is nothing selfish about refusing to be this man’s emotional hostage. I believe him when he says he lied about the initial diagnosis, but not that he initially downplayed the seriousness of it—my guess is he’s not sick at all. I think he invented a diagnosis to get your attention (it’s already odd that he called up a summer fling and declared she’s his only raison d’être), and when that wasn’t enough to convince you to devote your entire life to him, he announced that he was on the verge of death in order to get what he wanted. He has behaved manipulatively and dishonestly, and I don’t think you should trust him for a minute.
Even if he is ill, that would not be sufficient cause for him to tell a girl he dated for two months that she’s responsible for keeping him alive. Showing someone compassion does not mean you have to give in to their every demand, and the fact that he expected you to spend every minute talking to or thinking about him is frightening. His controlling behavior bears hallmarks of escalating emotional abuse, and illness or no, he has no right to make you responsible for his well-being. If he is sick, it would be better for him to get support from the people near him who are already part of his life. If he made up this story (and then made it sound worse when Phase 1 didn’t work on you), then the best thing you can do for him, and yourself, is to block his number. Do not apologize and do not reach out to him.
* * *
Dear Prudence,
Our family has been close, seeing each other every week. My children are all in their 20s and have their own homes. Our only daughter got married earlier this year and we adore our son-in-law. Our son got engaged about three months before our daughter’s wedding. Our daughter was vocally angry that her brother got engaged before her wedding. When the newly engaged couple were looking for wedding venues, I (mistakenly) recommended the place my daughter planned her reception. It is a lovely location and I was thinking it would be a good fit. Unfortunately, they decided to book this same venue for their wedding scheduled a year later. Now my daughter is furious. She is demanding they move the reception somewhere else even though it will mean losing the substantial deposit. This has created a great deal of anxiety, especially for me, because I mourn the loss of our close-knit family. I don’t know what to do. We have even offered to pay the deposit and that angers her too. She says they have to pay the cost (I guess as a form of punishment). This is tearing our family apart. Please help.
—Something Borrowed
I fail to see how your daughter has been harmed in any way. Her ability to spin offense out of the thinnest strands of “thunder-stealing” rivals Rumpelstiltskin’s ability to spin straw into gold. Don’t think of this as losing your tightknit family. Part of what makes a family tightknit is the ability to handle conflict. Your daughter is throwing a tantrum and the best thing you can do for her (and yourself) is to refuse to humor her. She’s denying herself the opportunity to celebrate her brother’s wedding (and trying to manipulate him into giving up a substantial security deposit!) because she thinks the love and celebration that children deserve is a zero-sum game. It isn’t. Her brother proposing to his fiancé did not make her any less engaged to her own; her brother hosting his reception in the same building she once had hers does not diminish the uniqueness of her marriage. I hope very much this is an unusual lapse in grace for her. Tell her that she is being unreasonable and churlish, and that you look forward to her being able to put aside this imagined slight in time to celebrate her brother’s wedding. It’s going to be a lot of fun. She should try to have some.
* * *
Dear Prudence,
I received an unexpected Facebook message from my husband’s cousin asking for money. I see him once or twice a year and we’ve always had pleasant exchanges. He’s definitely made some poor decisions, but it all seemed like typical young-guy stuff. After talking with him, it really seemed like he was trying to get his life together, and I sent him some money. My husband was very angry when he found out and called his family. Come to find out, this guy stole a valuable family heirloom from his father in an attempt to pawn it and was kicked out of the house after his parents filed charges. He’s been spending all his money on drugs since then. Apparently he’s also been making threats to family members who are refusing to give him money. Prudie, I feel terrible for sending him money that he’s almost certainly going to blow on drugs, but I had no idea any of this was going on. But what I really feel bad about is that his parents, who are going through so much right now, are insisting on paying us back. I know they don’t have the money to do so, and I never expected to be paid back anyway, but they are insisting. They’re also mad at me for not coming to them first. The thought of going home for the holidays this year is upsetting to me, and I’m trying to convince my husband that it’s a good idea for me to stay with my family this year and let him visit his family alone. He doesn’t like this idea and thinks I need to get over it and “learn my lesson.” What do you think?
—Payback
While your husband shouldn’t be framing a holiday visit as a way to ensure you “learn your lesson,” I do think you could have handled this situation differently. Even without knowing the entire story, once you were approached by a member of your husband’s family you barely know with a request for money, the wiser action would have been to speak to your husband about it before writing a check. There was no reason for secrecy on your part—unless you had some idea of what your husband’s response would be—and your husband’s anger is understandable. You shouldn’t feel guilty for trusting your husband’s cousin, who misrepresented himself to you, but you should apologize to your husband for not talking to him about the message until after you’d sent the money. Then the two of you should handle the fallout from this situation as a team.
Your husband knows his family better than you do, so ask for his input in dealing with his cousin’s parents. Is repaying their son’s debts a matter of honor to them? Could you talk them into repaying you slowly so that they aren’t put in a precarious financial situation? Could your husband talk them out of repayment entirely, or would that insult them? They’re in a difficult place right now—ashamed of their son’s behavior, feeling indebted to an in-law they don’t know well. I don’t think avoidance is the right tack to take here (avoidance didn’t work out well for you the last time you tried it). Be honest, and apologetic, and open, and once you get through the initial discomfort, I think you’ll find your relationship with your husband and his family the stronger for it.
* * *
Dear Prudence,
I’ve been seeing a great guy for about a year. He’s incredibly sweet, constantly giving compliments and gifts. He’s also changed a lot for me: He’s changed his religion, stopped smoking, changed jobs, and gone back to school to be a better provider. He always tells me he loves me, and brought up marriage in the first month. He always says he knew immediately that I was the One, and that he couldn’t imagine living without me. While I want to get married, my feelings don’t match his. I love him, but I’m not head over heels in love. I want someone who will be a good partner and father, which I believe he will be. Is it deceitful to marry him, knowing my feelings aren’t as strong as his?
—He’s Fine, I Guess
I think it would be deceitful! It would be one thing if you both felt fairly clear-eyed and dispassionate about your relationship, but I’m concerned about the level of influence you seem to have over him, and I worry about the power dynamics your marriage might develop if you stayed with him. He was willing to change his religion and profession for you in the first year of your relationship, but you’re more interested in getting married than you are in getting married to him. You both deserve better.
* * *
Dear Prudence,
I really need some expert advice. I’m 17 years old, and about nine months ago I got back in touch with an older friend (she’s 27). She’d finally gotten out of a bad marriage with her three kids, but the man she remarried is worse. There have been several occasions where he’s hurt me. For example, he shot me in the head with a BB gun. The ER had to retrieve the BB out of my head by an incision. I never told anyone the truth. I have told people I did it to myself on accident. Following that, he has punched me on several occasions, and one time he hit me over and over so hard that he broke his wedding band by punching me in the arm (which I know shouldn’t hurt, but it really did). Also, I’ve been strangled by him until I turned blue and purple. He finally let go. He’s stabbed me a couple of times (nothing serious). He is on probation and I didn’t want to say anything because I didn’t want anything bad to happen to her. But the children have been hurt by him a couple times. He’s even gone at them with a knife. (And I had three of my fingers sliced open when I grabbed the knife.)
For nine months I never said anything. But now we are no longer friends, and I see that everything that happened was wrong. I told her ex-husband what had been happening with the kids. Quite a bit has gone down since then. But I was just wondering would it be right to file a police report? I don’t want to be a horrible person about it, but it’s not right for him to get away with that. But I know if I say something he will be locked up and I’m scared when he gets out I will be in trouble because I feel like he would come after me. Something in my body tells me I can’t just let it go or it will eat me alive.
—Friend’s Husband Hurts Me
This is so troubling on so many levels, and I want to start by saying that reporting this man’s behavior would not make you a “horrible person.” Any one of these incidents would justify filing a police report. The fact that this man has choked, shot, and stabbed you, as well as taken a knife to his stepchildren, almost beggars belief. He is an immediate threat to the people around him, and I think you should file a police report. If you’re not comfortable reporting your own assaults, and fear for your future safety, you can file a report about this man’s assaults on his children that you witnessed with Child Protective Services anonymously. If there are any adults in your life who you can trust, I encourage you to share the full story of your experience with this man, and to ask for help and support during the reporting process. If you don’t have anyone in your own life you can talk to about this safely, you can call the national Childhelp hotline (1-800-4-A-Child) and get specific advice on your reporting options, and how best to ensure your own safety.
* * *
Dear Prudence,
In the past decade I have watched my friend Lauren transform from a confident, generous, and kind woman into an arrogant, self-absorbed person who demands attention. I can hardly stand to be around her. A group of us took a trip recently and her behavior became downright ugly. She was jealous and controlling toward the women on the trip, pouting if her story didn’t get a laugh, and physically moving people aside in order to insert herself into the middle of a group. She went so far as to arrange a code word that, upon speaking it, the rest of us were supposed to leave the room immediately so that she could try and kiss a friend she was pursuing (she employed it several times). She failed to ask me a single question about myself the entire week but still wrote me a note saying how much she enjoyed our conversations. The sad part is, that week was a pretty typical representation of her behavior over the past few years. I have decided to “de-escalate” the friendship by returning phone calls with texts, only answering some messages, and keeping conversations centered on friendly small talk instead of opening the door to more emotionally draining conversations.
I was content to de-escalate in order to preserve a bit of amicability between us and to make our inevitable run-ins easier. However, I happened across a description of histrionic personality disorder the other day, and was astonished at how perfectly it fits Lauren. I truly believe that she has this for more reasons than those written here. When I just thought she was simply a jerk, my strategy was to politely defer our friendship into nonexistence. Do I owe it to my best friend of 10 years to let her know that I suspect she has a personality disorder, and that her behavior has driven me (and our other friends) away?
—Diagnosing Friendship
No. Lauren sounds like a jerk, but as one of the offended, you are poorly situated to offer her an amateur mental-health diagnosis. You have no interest in continuing your friendship with her, so offering up this theory as a parting shot would be both unhelpful and unsupportive however you sell it. Moreover, personality disorders are extremely difficult to diagnose even for mental health professionals, and the fact that you have observed your friend behaving selfishly is hardly the open-and-shut case for histrionic personality disorder you seem to think it is. Many of the symptoms associated with such a diagnosis (attention-seeking behavior, impulsive decision-making, low tolerance for frustration, extreme sensitivity and self-centeredness) are also associated with simply being human. A person can behave rashly, foolishly, impulsively, and selfishly without necessarily having a personality disorder. You have, it sounds like, very good reasons for scaling back on your friendship with Lauren; you do not have a good reason for telling her you’ve been diagnosing her mental health online.
Discuss this column with Dear Prudence on our Facebook page!
More Dear Prudence Columns
“To B-Cup or Not to B-Cup: My college-bound daughter is ashamed of her small breasts. Should I offer to pay for a boob job?”
“A Rough Go: I can’t get over my wife’s sordid sexual past.”
“Next!: How does a newly divorced man play the field without being a cad?”
“Bloody Relations: My father was murdered when I was a child. Then I found out my uncle may have been the killer.”
More Dear Prudence Chat Transcripts
“Clean Break: Prudie advises a woman worried that her brother being the office janitor might hurt her career.”
“A Village of One: Prudie counsels a letter writer committed to raising a deceased friend’s kids despite the challenges.”
“He Said/She Said: Prudie advises a letter writer not sure how to converse with a male neighbor whenever he dresses as a woman.”
“Show and Tell: Prudie counsels a letter writer who “played doctor” as a kid, but whose fiancée thinks it was abuse.”
