Every week, Mallory Ortberg answers additional questions from readers, just for Slate Plus members.
Q. Ex etiquette: I have been in a relationship for 19 years (we have two kids now in their teens), and I decided at the beginning of the year to end it, after years of escalating verbal abuse, belittlement, and general nastiness.
“Frank” agreed to move out in July, but he still comes to my apartment on work days by agreement, to work out of the home office. That arrangement ends at the end of the month, and I have a locksmith on standby to change the lock. He hasn’t made any effort to take his things, other than ALL the wine and spirits. I gently reminded him a couple of weeks ago that his time was running out. He is out of the country this week and only has one day left to pack, an impossible task.
My kids and I have been boxing and labeling his stuff, with a mounting pile in our foyer. We are thinking that the only way to effectively clear all his things is to rent a storage locker and hand over the key when he comes for his last day, and prepay for six months of storage, since he likely doesn’t have room for everything at his new place.
Given the long relationship, is that too aggressive a move to make? Should I allow him more time to pack and take his boxes, without getting the new house key? We went to counseling, but I discontinued since it felt like a forum for him to say how badly treated he was without looking at why our relationship was failing.
A: That is in fact an enormously kind move to make; you’ve given your ex at least three months to move his things out of your place, and he’s done nothing but clean out your wine cellar.
Were I in your place, I might neatly stack the boxes in the dumpster and consider my end of the bargain upheld nicely. But I can already tell, gentle letter writer, that you are a much more thoughtful and considerate person than myself, and your storage-unit plan tempers justice with mercy. Just don’t prepay for the full six months. Pay for a month. If he wants to keep his stuff in storage longer than that, he can pay for it himself. You’re already moving his stuff (free of charge!). Stop doing him favors and take care of yourself.
