Every week, Mallory Ortberg answers additional questions from readers, just for Slate Plus members.
Q. No houseguests allowed? I need help settling a long-standing issue with a friend.
I live with my boyfriend of almost a decade in a one-bedroom apartment. He works a lot, and his office is in our living room. It doesn’t bother me at all. But my closest friend, who lives about three hours away, wants to come visit me and stay at my apartment, on my couch, fairly regularly. My boyfriend originally asked if we could restrict visits to Saturday and Sunday, as Friday is his one night to truly relax, and he’s an anxious sort. Of course I agreed, and it’s also his apartment, so I think that’s reasonable.
Last weekend, my friend wanted to come to town for a baby shower of a (nonmutual) friend and stay at my apartment. I told her no (it wasn’t a good weekend) and that my boyfriend and I had both agreed to suspend guests from staying the weekend until we had a two-bedroom apartment where his office work wouldn’t be disrupted by the visit.
She got incredibly mean and told me that I was under his thumb; that she deserves an opinion; and that if it’s half my apartment, I can’t possibly not want to spend time with her—in other words, I’m only catering to his (in her view, very controlling) needs. I told her I agreed with him: In my opinion, when you’re in a relationship, of a certain age, and don’t have the space, guests aren’t hyperappropriate.
I don’t want to talk about this with her—or him—again and am desperate to stop defending my boyfriend’s needs (because I don’t think they should need defending). What can I do or say that will end this regular cycle of events?
A: I do not think your boyfriend is being controlling by asking that you not have houseguests on Friday nights. Your friend has argued you into a neat corner where if you don’t give her what she wants—carte blanche to use your apartment like a hotel—it’s proof that you’re under your boyfriend’s thumb. Which works out pretty well for her!
Any guest who argues her host “couldn’t possibly” not want her to stay over on a regular basis is a rude one. Your friend is the one who is being controlling and unreasonable; if she pushes again, tell her, “I’ve already told you that this won’t work for us. When you act pushy and demanding about staying in my apartment, it doesn’t make me want to spend time around you. If you can’t drop this subject and accept that you can’t always stay with us, I’m going to end the conversation.”
