Dear Prudence

Then There Were None

Prudie counsels a woman with no family whose stepdad says he never wanted her.

Danny M. Lavery
Danny M. Lavery

Photo illustration by Slate. Photo by Sam Breach.

Mallory Ortberg, aka Dear Prudence, is online weekly to chat live with readers. An edited transcript of the chat is below. (Sign up below to get Dear Prudence delivered to your inbox each week. Read Prudie’s Slate columns here. Send questions to Prudence at prudence@slate.com.)

Readers! Ask me your questions on the voicemail of the Dear Prudence podcast. Just leave a message at 401-371-DEAR (3327), and you may hear your question answered on a future episode of the show.

Q. My dad dumped me: I’m 25, and all of my family, including my mother, has either passed away or is lost somewhere due to addiction. I never met my bio father, who also passed. The only dad I have ever had is my stepdad who entered my life when I was 2, became my dad, had my little brother with my mom and promptly divorced her. He was insistent he was still my dad, and while he didn’t share any custody of me, he went out of his way to remind me he cared … and then it just faded over the years. He signed his cards with his name (but Dad for my brother), introduced me as his ex’s daughter, saw me less and less, etc. When we were together, I really, really picked up on the fact that my brother was his son, but I was something less than his daughter. We got very close when my brother left for college; weekly talks and visits, but my brother returned six months ago and my dad all but started ignoring my texts and calls. It hurt worse than the earlier disparity. I finally got him on the phone and in tears confessed everything I had noticed and how it made me feel. His reaction shocked me. He screamed at me, told me he had never wanted to be my dad in the first place but felt guilted by my mom and my lack of other relatives, and kept making the convo about my brother until he had to end the call. I haven’t heard from him since. I tried to speak to my brother, who lives with my dad, and even he is ignoring me. I don’t know what to do but cry. My husband thinks I should cut my losses and focus on him and our daughter (who are wonderful).

A: I understand your husband’s instinctive desire to keep you from getting hurt again by encouraging you to focus on the family you do have, rather than the family that has rejected you, but a daughter and a husband, no matter how wonderful, are not a replacement for a parent. Your father slowly abrogated his role over the years and made it clear that his initial commitment to parenting you was superseded by his relationship with your brother. Now this glacially paced estrangement has turned into a full-scale rejection, and that’s a kind of pain that’s hard to move past. I’m so sorry for your numerous losses. There’s very little to do but cry in a situation like this one, so your reaction is understandable.

I halfway agree with your husband’s assessment. Your father is not a good person, and he will never love you in the way you wish to be loved; this is a terrible truth to have to bear, but it has nothing to do with the kind of person you are and everything to do with the kind of person he is. You should not try to push for a reconciliation with either your father or your brother, because this pattern of rejection and favoritism is never going to change. But you don’t have to simply throw yourself into being a superparent to your own child either. If you are not already in therapy, consider finding a counselor who can help you process and mourn your father’s rejection. Cry about it, talk about it, write about it, let yourself feel everything. Take time to grieve this massive loss.

Q. Headphone quandary: Just about everyone in my office has their headphones on all day. It’s entry-level and production oriented, so we can safely ignore each other. I wear mine sporadically, because I find them uncomfortable and distracting. The problem that I’m running into is that one of my co-workers hums. Tunelessly. All day. Sometimes very enthusiastically. I find it intensely annoying. I assume no one has ever shamed them out of it because they are also wearing headphones and don’t hear it. So, am I obliged to say nothing because I also have that option, even though I really hate wearing them? Basically, does the existence of headphones make this entirely a me-problem?

A: Say something! The correct response to “someone near me is humming” is neither “shaming them out of it” (whatever “headphone-shaming” might mean) nor “seething in quiet frustration until the heat death of the universe.” The correct response is, “Hey, you might not have noticed this, but you often hum along to the music you’re listening to and it’s distracting. Could you please keep it down?” That’s an extremely reasonable, polite request, and one you should feel comfortable making.

Q. Shamed by MIL for breast-feeding in public: I’m at a loss on how to handle an incident that recently occurred with my mother-in-law. My husband and I traveled with our 3-month-old to visit his family. We met for lunch when my baby started fussing and crying because she needed to nurse. I was at the far end of the table, I turned away, wrapped a scarf around my neck to shield her latching on when I pulled my top down, as I turned back around my mother-in-law immediate reached over me, grabbed the car seat canopy and threw it on top of me and my baby, saying we needed to be respectful. My reaction was to immediately throw it off as I was trying to place my scarf in a better angle. She picked it up again and threw it back on top of me saying that she was asking that I cover up and needed to be respectful. I told her that I was covered by my scarf, that the baby needed to nurse, and that it was my right to do so in public. My husband did not say a word to defend me, and everyone else was quiet and then tried to change the subject. I was shaking I was so upset and ended up crying in the bathroom once she was finished. I did not receive an apology or even an acknowledgement that the incident occurred the rest of the weekend. My husband said he was sorry once we left, but I told him that it was not enough. I’m crushed my husband didn’t defend me whatsoever when I’m feeding his child too. I’m still mortified that no one spoke up. I think breast-feeding is an amazing privilege and struggle to find the courage to do so in public so this is especially traumatizing. My question is, was her reaction appropriate, do I bring this subject up (there may be another time I need to nurse her in public)? Should I expect my husband to talk with his mother, and how do I explain to him how heartbreaking it was that I was left on my own to defend myself for such a natural thing and made to feel like I was doing something disrespectful and inappropriate?

A: Your behavior was reasonable and appropriate. Your mother-in-law was rude, although I’d stop short of calling what she did traumatic. Silly and needlessly puritanical, maybe. Your husband was mealy-mouthed when he ought to have been useful, and you have every right to ask for his public support in the future. Your husband needs to back you up when tell your mother-in-law that when you breast-feed in public (which you do now, and will do again), you do not require her help in covering up. If she wants to continue to freak out about it, your husband needs to run interference so that you can focus on feeding your kid instead of dodging canopies.

Q. Not-so-loving family: My husband’s parents live in the same state a few hours away, and we usually only see each other on holidays. They are generally nice people and fun to be around, yet they are completely uninterested in our life and being a part of it. My mother-in-law constantly talks about how much she loves her children and grandchildren, yet she has barely ever made an effort to come visit us. When we go visit, the stay is always accompanied by endless complaining—we are either too loud, or our toddler cries at night and it’s inconvenient, her dogs have to go to sleep at 10 p.m., therefore we must go to bed as well, etc. All this while gushing about her family. My father-in-law is rarely ever around. My husband broke his leg six months ago and never even received a single call or a text message asking how he was doing. This was deeply upsetting to him, and it hurt me seeing the person I love being treated this way, therefore I am having a hard time harboring warm and fuzzy feelings toward his family. I have decided to boycott the upcoming holidays and stay in town. My husband is free to go visit his “loving” family if he wishes, but I would much rather stay home and get some much needed sleep. Am I being unreasonable and cruel?

A: I think we can safely rule out cruelty as a motive, but I’m not sure I can grant you my unqualified approval. Your in-laws are “generally fun to be around,” and I tend to think that staying home over the holidays is, if not a last resort, at least something to be carefully considered if one has other options. Your mother-in-law makes a big show of how much she cares about you and your family, but in practice is a fairly graceless host. This might be bearable for a few days a year, but that doesn’t mean that you’re obligated to spend every single Thanksgiving/Christmas/Hanukkah/etc. with them for the rest of your life. You and your husband might want to spend the holidays with your side of the family, or with your own family, in your own home; I’d be inclined to encourage you to find a bearable compromise with your husband before you decide to split up, but I also don’t think it will be the end of the world if you decide to stay at home by yourself this year. What you do this holiday season isn’t necessarily a statement of intent for all future holidays, and it’s fine to take a break from tradition every once in a while. I’d encourage you to accept that your in-laws talk a bigger game than they practice, find a way to be polite and kind to them whenever you spend time together, and limit (not eliminate entirely) your visits for the sake of your own sanity.

Q. Am I still a good person?: Relatively recently, I found out that emotional cheating is a thing that exists, and the description I read of it very much fit with something that happened with an ex-partner of mine. We were in an open relationship, I had two partners including him, and I’d said to him that two partners would be enough—the problem was that not only was being with him making me emotionally unstable, but I’d also found someone else interesting elsewhere. I asked this new guy out for coffee intending for it to be a friendly thing, and only that, so I didn’t tell my partner about it, but eventually, new guy and I got closer and I broke up with my partner. After that, he told me what I’d done was cheating (though I didn’t understand at the time, not knowing that emotional cheating was a thing). I’ve since acknowledged that I made a lot of mistakes, but … even though I’ve always tried my best to be a good person, I’m not really sure if I can say that’s true anymore. What are your thoughts?

A: I think you can be a good person who has done a bad thing, and I think that lying to ourselves in order to believe our selfish motives for doing something we want (like asking someone attractive and new out for “just” coffee) are purely disinterested is incredibly common. Rather than tell your former partner you weren’t happy in your current arrangement, you decided to pursue someone else with a veneer of plausible deniability until you had your relational escape route all mapped out. It sounds like everything worked out for the best, and that this relationship was not destined to last forever, but you prioritized comfort and convenience over honesty, and you realize now that you made a mistake. That doesn’t mean you’re incapable of being honest now, or that you must wear a hairshirt for the rest of your life. It just means that you were in a bad relationship and you made some choices you’re not especially proud of; learn from that and do better when ending relationships in the future, and you can keep that Good Person and Ethical Non-Monogamist label.

Q. Re: Not-so-loving family: Some people are all about the drama. Not-so-loving family should simply stay at a hotel when they visit. Just say, “Since we like to stay up late we think it’s best if we get a hotel room so that we do not disrupt your routine.”

A: A happy medium between staying home and adjusting your bedtime to suit your mother-in-law’s dogs!

Q. Do I owe my ex-friends an invitation to my wedding?: I have two colleagues, Dina and Andrea. When I first started, I tried being friends with Dina outside of work but she didn’t reciprocate. I respected that and we remained cordial work friends. As for Andrea, we became fast friends when she joined our company after I did. Eight months ago, she suddenly started ignoring me, without any explanations. Afterward I started seeing her and Dina together all the time during break times and also outside of work (we live in a small town). I respected her decision, but her rejection hurt me deeply. I am getting married soon and opted to have a small wedding at my parents’ house. Dina, Andrea, and a third colleague surprised me by organizing a celebratory lunch at a nice restaurant and presenting me with a joint gift. I accepted because I didn’t want to seem ungracious. Now I’m torn: Should I invite them to the wedding or not? Before their gesture, I was set on not inviting them. Am I obligated to include them now? Space is an issue, but if I’m honest, the real reason I’m hesitant is because I don’t want to feel like I “owe” them an invitation. What is the right thing to do here? If it’s relevant, I plan on inviting the third colleague.

A: Hell no, you don’t owe co-workers (much less co-workers who have a track record of being rude as hell) a wedding invitation. It’s nice that Dina and Andrea seem to have gotten their pettiness under control long enough to treat you to a polite lunch and a knockoff Le Creuset or whatever, but that doesn’t make them your friends, and you don’t owe them anything beyond nonspecific workplace civility.

Q. Concerned sister: My stepdad recently got diagnosed with Stage 3 cancer. His son had recently decided to cut him out of his life and has made it clear that the diagnosis makes no difference to his decision. After digging in a little more (because I was honestly confused), I found out that he cut him out because of things his mother said his father did back when my brother was a young child, which I don’t completely believe (but my opinion of the situation wouldn’t change if I found out it was all true). About a decade ago, I had a tough time accepting my own biological father’s shortcomings from my childhood, but am very thankful to have a healthy relationship with him today. I worry my stepbrother will miss out on the opportunity to have the same due to my stepdad’s health issues. How can I be compassionate and encourage him to reconsider? Or is it not my place?

A: If you and your stepbrother are close, you might be able to share your own experience with him, without suggesting that the two situations are identical. You can tell him that you respect his decision while also saying you’ve struggled to build a healthy relationship with your (step)father, but that you’re glad you’ve been able to make peace with him and keep him in your life. Make it clear, however, that you know his relationship with his father is not the same as yours, and that you are not trying to predict certain doom and gloom if he continues his present course. Share your own experience, gently encourage him to reconsider, but then let it drop; you will not make him more interested in reconnecting with his father if you don’t respect his right to make his own choices.

Mallory Ortberg: The hour is fulfilled! The work is complete. See you all next week!

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