Every week, Mallory Ortberg answers additional questions from readers, just for Slate Plus members.
Q. Bad cat: My brother and his spouse had job transfers and used our basement for free storage for several months while they were in transition with moving and buying a home. We requested they carefully wrap furniture because we have an older cat that isn’t declawed. We’ve never had furniture or items scratched, but we wanted to give full disclosure that they were going to be storing items in a home with a cat.
Well, the cat ended up scratching up the arm of a chair, and my brother hit the roof. We profusely apologized, offered to replace or pay for reupholstering the chair, and thought that would be the end of it. But my brother won’t let it go (even after he took the money).
Is there anything more we should do? I’m inclined to think that his reaction is out of frustration during a stressful time, but it’s been a few weeks, they are settled in their new home, and he still is upset.
A: You apologized and paid for the chair, which is about all that a person can do when it comes to repairing a broken chair.
If your brother continues to carry hurt feelings, that’s his (unfortunate) choice, and there’s not much you can do about it. You can’t buy him a second chair, and you can’t double-apologize; if he wants to unload all of his anxiety and stress and fear over moving and buying a home and changing jobs and experiencing uncertainty on a chair, that’s not something you’re obligated to fix.
You can absolutely try to speak with him about it (“I’ve noticed that even though we’ve apologized and replaced the chair, you still seem upset in a way that’s out of proportion to a damaged piece of furniture. Do you want to talk about something?”), but know that you cannot fix this for him. It’s up to him to figure out how to appropriately compartmentalize his feelings and to keep things in perspective.
Q: I love my boyfriend, but is he a boyfriend? My boyfriend and I are in our mid-30s, and we have been together nearly eight years. I met him after a divorce and was thrilled he didn’t want to rush into things like marriage or parenthood. Quite frankly, I am happy with just being his girlfriend and not getting married, and he is, too. We have a house and shared banking accounts together, we travel all over the world together on various adventures, we are beneficiaries of wills and life insurance policies, and we just generally enjoy being with each other.
The question is: What are we? Are we boyfriend/girlfriend? The thought of common-law married is just weird, but is that what we are? People joke that we are “practically married,” and maybe we are. I just don’t see the point of a full-blown marriage when we are happy with the way things are.
A: Partners, it sounds like.
