Every week, Danny M. Lavery answers additional questions from readers, just for Slate Plus members.
Q. If not now, when?: I know I want kids, and I’ve used the idea of having kids with someone to help me gauge how comfortable I am with a partner. Two years ago I met someone with whom I was certain I would want to start a family. It’s a totally new and very amazing feeling.
The thing is that I’m in my mid-30s, and my partner is 10 years older. We’re rounding the corner to where getting pregnant becomes more challenging. My real concern is I don’t feel any more emotionally ready for the total life change that is having kids. I still feel as I did in my 20s, that I’ll want them in 10 years.
I’m scared I’m watching our window close as I wait for the moment I feel ready to take on total responsibility for brand new human. Or is no one ever really prepared for the changes of having a child?
A: I have no idea. I don’t have children. I’ve seen a lot of movies where someone has said, “You’re never really prepared to have children,” and then the protagonist decides to have children as a result, but that’s about the extent of it.
The fact that you’ve wanted children for a long time suggests to me that these are standard-issue nerves, rather than a genuine shift in desire, but you should still pay attention to these fears. Everyone is entitled to change his or her mind. Be honest about what you’re afraid of (the same should go for your partner). What does it feel like when you picture yourself at 50 with no children? What does it feel like when you picture yourself with a newborn? A teenager? An adult child who might make choices you can’t stand? What do you stand to lose in both scenarios? What do you stand to gain? I don’t think you’ll feel complete acceptance and fearlessness about either prospect, since that’s not really how life works, but I imagine you’ll find yourself leaning more toward one future than the other.
And if you really can’t make up your mind after all that—if it’s an absolutely even 50/50 split—err on the side of not having any. Better to not have children and regret it (one can still foster, or mentor, or find other ways to nurture children in a nonparental capacity), than to have actual children you regret.
