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Dear Prudence,
I don’t get along with my sister-in-law. She adores my brother and makes him very happy so I try to be friendly when I see her, but now that we’ve moved back to his hometown and she lives just a few miles away, it’s gotten much harder. She criticizes my taste in furniture, my clothes, and my cooking. I try to deflect the comments, but she will not let it go. Recently, my husband and I adopted two rescue dogs and posted pictures of them in Facebook. I then get a text from my sister-in-law telling me that I have to change the names of my dogs because she is going to use those names for her kids, and that she is now pregnant but I can’t tell anyone. This is ridiculous and I don’t know what to do. Do I just ignore her and hope it goes away? Share the text and get raked over the coals for spoiling the pregnancy surprise? Post tons of pictures of my dogs and refer to them as my babies? I have to live with this woman in my life and I don’t want to hurt my brother but I am not changing the names of my dogs.
—Changing Names, Keeping Boundaries
This is a sister-in-law for the record books! I’ve heard of plenty of fights over baby names, but I’ve yet to come across the dog-versus–unborn baby combo, where the dogs in question have already been named and the baby does not yet exist. I almost—almost—admire her ability to mine conflict from a seemingly peaceful landscape. As tempting as it might be to start rubbing Ruby and Synthesizer in your sister-in-law’s face, I think gentle nonengagement is the row to hoe here. “We’re not going to change the dog’s names, but congratulations on your pregnancy! What exciting news.” Don’t get drawn into an argument or an explanation for your behavior, because what she’s asking is so absurd that the only response it merits is a flat refusal. There is a nonzero possibility that this pregnancy is invented solely to try to get you to do what she wants, which is why she asked you and not your brother, and why she’s swearing you to secrecy now. Perhaps I’m being paranoid, but your sister-in-law has already displayed a propensity for the irrational, and it’s quite a coincidence she favors the name of both your pets, not just one. Plenty of dogs have human names and vice versa; your sister’s children, whenever they come into being, will have to share their names, no matter how unique, with any number of other humans and animals. They’ll be just fine.
* * *
Dear Prudence,
Almost two months ago I got pregnant. My husband and I were absolutely thrilled to be having a baby. Shortly thereafter, I learned that he had been having an affair with another woman for the last five years. He told me he’d planned on leaving her when he learned I was pregnant but the level of his betrayal was too much, and we are divorcing now. I was excited to have a child with him, but now I feel that I should get an abortion. I’m not ready to raise a child in the midst of all this chaos, and I doubt he is either. The question is: Should I ask him before getting an abortion? I know he’d say no, because through the divorce process he’s repeatedly stressed his desire to keep custody of the future baby. Nonetheless, it’s not his body, and I think I should have the ultimate say. What’s morally right here?
—Secret Abortion
Asking what is morally right is the wrong question. Neither of you is morally right; both of you have a preference. Your soon-to-be-ex-husband would like to have a child (and, it sounds, a custody battle) with you, and you would rather not. Neither preference is inherently wrong, but the ultimate choice is yours. If you have decided, after careful deliberation, that you are not prepared to become a parent under your present circumstances, then that’s your decision. You may speak to your ex about your options before informing him of your final call, but you do not owe him a veto over whether or not you decide to carry this pregnancy to term. Nor does he have the right to one.
* * *
Dear Prudence,
My fiancé and I love each other deeply. We recently went through a rough patch and in a moment of distress he confided in his ex, with whom he co-parents a teenager. The ex has always disliked me and pressed my fiancé to tell their child about our problems, presumably hoping it would break us up. The two of us went to therapy, are closer than ever, and still plan to get married this fall. The problem is that after his child found out about this rocky period, the teen launched an attack on me, ranging from trying to get him to kick me out to saying I’m a horrible person and refusing to come over. My fiancé has tried to explain that couples have problems and sometimes successfully work them out. We are in family therapy now, but it’s slow going. For emotional and financial reasons it’s important to us to marry this year. However, I am terribly concerned about having his child present because of how stressful it will be. They also have a history of mysterious “illnesses” during important events. How can we explain that we love them very much but can’t handle the dissent on our special day?
—Stepchild at the Wedding
I don’t think I could ever advise a letter writer to explain to someone (particularly a teenage stepchild) that dissent is “unacceptable,” on her wedding day or any other. I’m glad to hear that you and your fiancé have been able to work through your “rough patch,” but I’m concerned that you seem so insistent about forcing a teenager to adapt to your relationship on your timetable. Your fiancé’s child wouldn’t be the first teenager to react with strong emotions. It’s hard to say without more details from you just how much of an overreaction it is, or how much is connected to your impending marriage to the teen’s father. Even so, you’re the adult in this situation, and you’ve got to rise above a teenager’s behavior.
Whatever the specifics of the situation, your goal should be—with your partner—to set appropriate limits and to grant reasonable amounts of space, not try to guilt him or her into performing happiness on your wedding day. You should let your soon-to-be-stepchild know that you will be enormously happy to see them at your wedding day, and that’s it. If you really do “love them very much,” you’ll have to find a better way to handle dissent. If you’re planning on co-parenting a teenager, even in a limited capacity, you’re going to have to be able to cope with dissent on a daily basis.
* * *
Dear Prudence,
My boyfriend and I have dated for a year now and are now considering moving in together. He’s the sole tenant on the lease at his four-bedroom, rent-controlled place, where he’s lived for the last 10 years with a rotating cast of different roommates. As a result, the rent is unbelievably low. He recently told his current roommates that he wants them to leave so we could move in together. They complained, saying that they could not afford to rent elsewhere in the area at the current market rate. They’re artists and teachers, mostly, but they earn too much to qualify for housing assistance. My boyfriend said that either they could move out, or he’d cancel the month-to-month lease. Right now they’re at a standstill. When I mentioned the dilemma to my friend, she said it was “graceless” to try to kick out three people because my boyfriend and I wanted to start a new life together “on the cheap.” Who’s right here? We can definitely afford to rent at the market rate but he has lived here for 10 years now.
—Graceless
I’m afraid that your boyfriend is the jerk in this scenario. Wanting to move in together is one thing, but threatening to cancel the lease and losing a good rent-controlled apartment for everyone just because he might not get what he wants is a real bush-league temper tantrum. Depending on what state you live in, your boyfriend may be required to request they move out in writing, or with 30 days’ notice. But according to the rules of basic decency, saying, “If my girlfriend and I can’t live in this rent-controlled apartment together, no one can,” is just embarrassing, as well as a poor negotiating stance. It speaks to a lack of judgment and a vindictive streak. What do the two of you need a four-bedroom place for? I understand it has been your fiancé’s longtime home, but that doesn’t seem reason enough to completely rule out looking for a new place together and transferring the lease over to one of his old roommates. If he is determined, he could offer them several months to find new rentals. Instead, your boyfriend has created a great deal of unnecessary conflict.
* * *
Dear Prudence,
I work for a small company. I’m in a pretty high-up position and am often in meetings with the president. For some reason, he thinks it’s appropriate to playfully hit me in the arm, head, or side. If I say something he thinks is funny, he will say, “Oh, you!” and hit me. I HATE IT. I am not trying to be funny for this reaction. Half the time I don’t think what I’ve said is hilarious anyway. In the past, at other jobs, any time I have ever pointed out anything inappropriate a male colleague did to a female (myself or others), I have always been blamed. Do I just suck it up and (literally) keep taking one for the team? He does not do this with any of the men in the office, ever.
—Boss Keeps Hitting Me—Not on Me
You say you’ve suffered retaliation for naming harassment in the past, so I can understand your reluctance to speak up now. If you have the chance to meet with your boss individually before your next meeting, tell him, “Sometimes during meetings you’ll hit me when I’ve made a joke or a point you agree with. You might not realize it, but it makes me uncomfortable. Please don’t do it again.” It’s an incredibly reasonable request, and he will (hopefully) be horrified to realize how he’s been treating you, especially in front of your colleagues, and knock it off immediately. If he doesn’t, it depends on how far you’re willing to go. Since you are now in a senior position, you may have greater leverage than at your previous jobs—your company has more to lose if you’re unhappy, and it’s in your boss’ best interest to maintain a good working relationship. If he retaliates, and your company is too small to have an effective HR, consider legal recourse. What you don’t have to do is keep taking punches.
* * *
Dear Prudence,
I started seeing a man three months ago and things are going really well. On our second date, he mentioned he might have sinus surgery. I told him I’d had the same procedure done about six months before and that I’ve been happily breathing a lot better since. In addition to the sinuses, I also had my deviated septum fixed. What I didn’t tell him was that I also had minor rhinoplasty. My friends and family know about it—it’s not a secret—but it was just a small part of the overall surgery. I wouldn’t have considered the procedure by itself if I hadn’t been having surgery on that part of my body already. But, the thing I’m struggling with now is how I should tell him. I guess in the beginning, I felt that it was too soon to drop “I had plastic surgery” into the conversation, and I also was a little nervous he’d judge me as superficial without getting to know me. It’s pretty undetectable in general (I had a small bump my ENT expertly smoothed out), however, I do feel silly having left that part out and if he starts meeting people in my life like family and friends, someone could mention it, and then I’d feel like a liar. Should I bring this up now? And if so, how do I do it? I know lying to him is a pretty big offense, so I’m pretty anxious about it.
—Not Breathing Easy
Rest easy. I don’t think you’ve been lying to your boyfriend. There isn’t some life-altering disclosure you’ve been withholding from him; you had a small bump in your nose smoothed out while you had your septum deviation correction. Plenty of people don’t list every single minor surgical procedure they’ve ever had to someone they’ve only been seeing for three months; this does not alter the terms of your relationship. I don’t believe anyone is obligated to disclose body modification to new partners, whether it’s changing your hair color, getting a nose job, having implants, or wearing color-changing contacts. Body modifications aren’t lies, they’re alterations. You are, of course, perfectly free to tell him, and I think you should do so casually without implying that this is a massive secret you’ve been holding back. The next time the subject comes up, mention that you also had a small bump in your nose smoothed out while you were having sinus surgery, and then he’ll know that you used to have a small bump in your nose. You’re still you.
* * *
Dear Prudence,
I’m a college student living off-campus with a new roommate. I’m not scrounging for change in the couch cushions, but I’m on a pretty tight budget. I have grocery shopping down to an art with coupons, discounts, and sales, and I enjoy cooking, so I usually have leftovers in the fridge. The problem is my new roommate who is constantly eating the food I bought and cooked. I can’t afford to feed her too, but she’s constantly going on about how she “forgot” to go shopping or she “just can’t” because she’s working on a paper. She also buys really junky food, or food with meat in it (I’m vegetarian), so it’s not like I can just borrow some of hers to even things out. I don’t want to be the person who labels everything of mine in the fridge with “do not eat,” but I like cooking a dish on Sunday and knowing all I have to do is microwave dinner Monday thru Wednesday. I wouldn’t have as much of a problem if I could afford a lot of food, but I just can’t. What do I do?
—Hungry Roommate
It sounds like you have not yet asked your roommate not to eat your food. She’s being a little overbearing by regularly insisting that she has too much work to cook or shop for herself, but since you’ve never told her she’s inconveniencing you, she has logically assumed that you don’t mind and that things are fine between the two of you. The first step isn’t labeling your food. The first step is having a conversation. “These leftovers are going to be my lunch for the rest of the week, so please don’t eat any.” If she’s still sneaking food after you outright ask her, by all means start labeling things (although if she’s really determined, and labels don’t stop her, you might want to start looking for a different roommate), but at least give her the chance to respect your wishes by stating them.
* * *
Dear Prudence,
My husband I recently purchased our first house and moved in with our 1-year-old child. We love our house and the neighbors we’ve gotten to know thus far, with one exception: the neighbor three doors down who blasts music on his front porch one or two afternoons each week. I don’t object to playing music on one’s own porch, or even the music he plays (almost exclusively ’90s R&B), but he plays it so loudly that we can hear it—and feel the thumping bass—inside our own home. As far as we can tell, he’s the only person on the block who plays music on his porch. It doesn’t seem to be some kind of neighborhood tradition to which we are newcomers. I’ve asked him to turn it down a few times, mostly when his music seems to be preventing our kid from taking a nap. I feel awkward and uncomfortable when I do so, partly because I never seem to encounter this neighbor in other settings and so the building blocks of our neighbor-to-neighbor relationship consist solely of brief conversations in which either me or my husband ask him to turn down his music. Sometimes there’s a noticeable reduction in volume in response to our request … and sometimes not. We plan on living here for the foreseeable future and would really like to be on good terms with all our neighbors. How can we politely communicate that the volume of his front porch jam sessions needs to be set at something more reasonable?
—Noisy Neighbor
I have a neighbor who, one or two afternoons a week, blasts Kenny G from the balcony. I live far enough away that I can’t hear anything inside my house (there’s not enough bass in the clarinet solos to register as a thump), but if I leave my window open, I can count on at least three hours of full-bore easy listening. I absolutely love it—it adds mystery and unpredictability to my life—but I imagine that if I lived closer, it would frustrate me a great deal more.
Unfortunately, I think you’re already doing the best (and the most) that you can do. It’s not a daily occurrence, and whenever you find his music is making it difficult for your child to sleep, you make a polite request which he usually, although not always, does his best to honor. I don’t think this is worth making a noise complaint over, since that would probably destroy whatever friendly relationship currently exists between you, and because calling the authorities over a weekly afternoon R&B session would be a classic case of overpolicing. Stick to what you’re doing and keep your requests polite and to-the-point. The compromise you two have arrived at isn’t perfect, but it sounds pretty livable.
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“Smooth or Chunky?: Prudie advises a woman alarmed that her son had a dog lick peanut butter off his chest.”
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