Every week, Mallory Ortberg answers additional questions from readers, just for Slate Plus members.
Q. Me, the girlfriend: I have been dating my boyfriend for nearly three years. We are happy. He was previously married, and we began dating before he was finally divorced—a divorce that his ex-wife intentionally dragged out for years. He has a 7-year-old son who we support 100 percent financially, and we take on the “bigger” chunk of parenting.
His ex-wife is a terror. She is constantly reminding the child that I am a horrible person and that “he isn’t allowed to love me.” She stalks my Facebook and occasionally has her family members send me cruel Facebook messages. This woman doesn’t have a high school education, has lived in nearly 10 different homes in the past two years, and has had more jobs in the last year than I can count.
At one point we tried to fight for full custody, but the legal bills became too expensive, so we settled. I am not worried about myself, but what I am worried about is the likelihood that she will scar the child’s perception of me permanently. (The child is very emotional and needy. He has slow-developing social and emotional skills but is extremely smart with logic and academics.)
I (we) have stepped up in many of the parental roles that she refuses to take on or forgets about (e.g., paying school lunch and doctor bills), and each time she learns of my involvement in the fun stuff (e.g., school performances), we go through a phase where she and her family put me down in front of the child repeatedly. We know this because he usually returns home with a very negative attitude toward me. I have tried many times to have civil conversations with her with no luck.
Mostly, I feel sorry for her, but if she continues to avoid her parental responsibilities and makes us look like the bad guys, I fear the child will become more confused, which will hinder him as he grows in life. Any advice?
A: At the risk of reading too much into the fact that you repeatedly refer to the little boy you’re supposed to be co-parenting as “the child,” I think you should focus less on his mother’s behavior and more on supporting him.
If he is emotionally needy, consider that you might need to make meeting his emotional needs a greater priority in your own life. You realize that, at least for the foreseeable future, she is going to be a part of his life and that you cannot control or mitigate her hostile, unreasonable behavior toward you. You can minimize your contact with her, block her on social media, and refuse to stay in the room if she (or her family members) are hurling abuse at you, but you need to redirect your focus. You and your boyfriend should both focus on loving and caring for his son whenever he’s with you and making sure he knows how much you both care about him.
You might not be able to prevent confusion—he’s going to get mixed messages from his mother, no matter what you do—but you can refrain from complaining about his mother to him and focus on nurturing his social and emotional development with all the tenderness and affection you can provide.
