Dear Prudence

Scary Godmother

Prudie counsels a letter writer whose kids can’t stand their smothering family friend.

Danny M. Lavery, aka Dear Prudence, is online weekly to chat live with readers. An edited transcript of the chat is below. (Sign up below to get Dear Prudence delivered to your inbox each week. Read Prudie’s Slate columns here. Send questions to Prudence at prudence@slate.com.)

Readers! Ask me your questions on the voicemail of the Dear Prudence podcast. Just leave a message at 401-371-DEAR (3327), and you may hear your question answered on a future episode of the show.

Q. Just another usurping nanny horror story: The godmother of my kids occasionally babysits them—she gets paid, she eats quite a lot of our food, and makes herself at home as if she is family. I admit to being inconsistent and overly generous about her use of our resources. I’ve been becoming increasingly cheesed at her behavior in my house and with my kids: She seems to think she has a strong say in how they are raised. She was an OK sitter when they were younger, but now they have different needs that she can’t accommodate, and I have been finding alternative care for the kids. On Saturday, I told my younger child that her godmother was coming to babysit. My daughter, who has a communication disorder, blew up, and started screaming and crying that her family was four people, not five; that she was 10 years old; that she hated being cuddled; that she was terrified I would die and she would have to live with her godmother. She just went berserk. It was too late to back out of my plans, so I went, but now I’m more ready than ever to cut this woman out of our lives. Unfortunately, I feel guilty because she is really down and out, and my kids are the only thing she really has in her life.

A: There are so many different issues here, many of which don’t seem to align—you seem equally frustrated that your babysitter eats from your fridge when she takes care of your children as you do that your daughter panics when she’s about to come over. The former barely merits your notice (it’s hardly “overly generous” to pay a babysitter and to let an old family friend—someone you asked to stand as godmother to your children—fix herself something to eat when she’s at your house); the latter is incredibly serious. Talk to your daughter and ask how often she finds herself worrying about your impending death. If she’s subject to numerous anxious, obsessive thoughts throughout the day, she may need more mental health care than she’s currently receiving. As for cutting this woman out of your life, you can certainly let her go as a babysitter without removing her as a friend. Tell her that your children have particular needs that require specialized care and that you won’t be able to hire her as a babysitter any longer. Surely she’s at least somewhat aware things are no longer working out; if your daughter becomes distraught at the thought of spending time with her, it can’t have escaped her notice entirely. But unless this woman has done something deliberately wrong to you or your children (rather than simply being ill-equipped to work with your daughter’s communication disorder), consider letting her go as a nanny while keeping her on as a family friend.

Q. Question for Sandra: My dear friend, Sandra (name changed), is a beautiful, young girl who has the worst taste in men. When I met her, I was charmed by what I thought was her command of her own sexuality. If she wanted to have sex, she would go have sex (or so I thought). After getting to know her better, I’ve come to the realization that she actually is a very damaged person who assumes that if someone has sex with you, they are emotionally attached as well. Her latest boyfriend is a bartender (her favorite) who will give her cocaine during his shifts so she will still be awake when he finishes at 4 in the morning. She always comes to me for advice but never takes it. Is it time for me to wipe my hands clean of her until she figures out her situation? It kills me to see her be taken advantage of by these men.

A: It sounds like you have slowly become aware that you have no control over your friend’s choice in men; this is the beginning of wisdom. Her choices in men sound ill-advised, but not so dangerous that they warrant outside intervention. If you’ve repeatedly told her what you think about her relationship habits, and she’s declined to take your advice, stop getting involved. Next time she tries to rope you into a conversation about her latest cocaine-slinging beau, simply frown sympathetically, say, “That sounds tough. Good luck figuring it out,” and gently change the subject.

Q. Maybe … baby?: I have almost no family aside from my wonderful husband and daughter. I always wanted more children, but here’s the hitch: I have a disabling genetic disease. Just years ago it was a death sentence, but people are living longer and better with new medicines so I may be looking at a long, though slightly handicapped, life. My husband and I have decided to see how I am in 10 years (what should be the worst of my disease), and if I’m living comfortably we would like to try to adopt a child. I’m obviously disqualified from adopting here in the U.S., but I come from a small culture with an abundance of abandoned and confiscated children in some countries where people like me are considered inferior. These children are rarely adopted and are often put on the streets when they age out, sometimes at only 13! Worse, many disabled children are “discarded” if they don’t find a home quickly. Some research has shown it would be fairly easy to adopt one of these children due to their status. My friends and remaining family have had mostly negative responses; i.e., that “I’m cheating the system” somehow or that a disabled parent is “unfair” to a child. I feel that if I am healthy enough to raise another child (not a baby) there is no reason not to use a broken system to an advantage. And who says I would be any less of a mom because I can’t chase a soccer ball? In the end, it’s a child saved, no? Am I seeing this wrong?

A: I’m trying to imagine how offering a home to a child who’s been turned out into the streets due to a disability is “cheating the system,” and I’m coming up absolutely blank. I assume you don’t mean you’d seek out back-channel agencies or try in some way to adopt a child with living family members willing to care for them; merely that you would prefer to adopt a child who shares your disability and who has aged out of the foster system. The National Council on Disability has a plain-language toolkit outlining the rights of parents with disabilities and their children that may prove helpful if you continue to face challenges and questions about your ability to care for a child. Having a disability does not disqualify you from being a parent—you already are one! You’re not even planning on adopting a child now but waiting several years to make sure you feel up to the task, based on the progression of your illness. You are being both prudent and thoughtful, and it’s a shame your friends see you as a less-than-qualified parent simply because you have a disability.

Q. For love or money?: For the past year my boyfriend and I have been living together. We love each other, but money has been a persistent issue for us. I have a 9-to-5 office job while he’s a struggling freelancer. My parents have been very generous and helped us out in the past. Last month, we fell behind in the rent, and when my parents found out, they confronted him and essentially broke up with him on my behalf, saying he can’t provide and I deserve better. I was angry and frustrated with him but not ready to break up. Now he is moving out and searching for a more stable job, and we are re-navigating our relationship. I want to give him another chance, but I know my parents won’t approve. I’m an adult and this should be my decision, but I have no experience defying them. Any advice?

A: I’d be more inclined to ask if your boyfriend should give you another chance: The fact that you were willing to let your parents end your relationship on your behalf doesn’t speak well of you. It’s extremely generous of your parents to help you out financially, but if taking their money means you feel like you can’t make your own romantic decisions, reconsider whether the money is worth it. If the idea of telling your parents “I’m going to date my boyfriend even if you don’t want me to” sends you into a panic, it might be worth seeing a therapist to develop strategies for developing an identity separate from your parents’. If you do decide to reconcile with your boyfriend, I think you owe him both an apology for letting your parents dump him for you and a promise that, in the future, you won’t let them interfere in your relationship.

Q. Sex-starved: My husband of 44 years has developed two medical problems that make physical relations impossible. Yes, we have sought medical advice, and there is no remedy that can help him. As such, he decided that since he cannot penetrate and complete the act, sex is completely off the table. My sexual desires are still fairly high so this frustrates me and he is aware of my feelings. I have offered oral sex since he can get an erection and asked that he help me to orgasm also. He refused the offer. I have discreetly purchased a few toys but cannot use them when he is around, as he feels they insult his manhood, so we cannot play with them together. He will not discuss this with a counselor, either. I am open to any suggestions as to how to entice him into a sexual relationship again.

A: I have no enticing suggestions for you, I’m afraid. It’s rather difficult to entice someone into sex who has said, “I don’t want to have sex anymore,” particularly when you’ve already offered various, non-penetrative alternatives, and been met with an unequivocal nolle prosequi. Your husband has taken the following options off the table: standard heterosexual sex, oral sex for him, oral sex for you, mutual masturbation, vibrators, and the mere possibility of having a conversation about sex with a counselor. In effect, he’s told you that neither of you can expect another orgasm for the duration of your relationship. This is not a situation that calls for enticement but a frank discussion of what you can and cannot accept. Do you want to remain married under these conditions? Are you willing to accept his sexual retirement as long as you can attend to your own needs? Would you rather look elsewhere for someone who is willing to have sex with you? You do not need his permission to masturbate, and I see no reason why you should hide your vibrators from your husband when he’s denied you every other avenue of physical pleasure. He’s made it clear what he wants. Now it’s time for you to be equally forthright.

Q. Shut up about my employer!: We live in a smallish community. I’m used to the idea that my ex and I bump into many of the same people. He’s been dating a woman who used to work for my current employer. She left on bad terms and speaks very negatively about the company, and my supervisor, often when our 9-year-old son is present.

I love my job and this company. She’s an adult and is entitled to say she hates a job she’s left. Is it OK to ask my ex to ask her to keep this out of earshot of our kid? I don’t know how to respond when he repeats her comments or asks why X or Y person (who I like just fine) is mean to dad’s friend.

A: I don’t think your 9-year-old needs to be spared from the reality that some people can feel differently about the same company. If she’s not making wild, unfounded accusations or using obscene language, there’s no reason for you to ask your ex to curb her conversation. When your son asks about it, feel free to tell him what you like about your job, that you have had a very different experience with the company your ex’s girlfriend hates, and that sometimes reasonable people disagree about their bosses, about management styles, and about pretty much everything else under the sun.

Q. Lassie love: So, my boyfriend of just under a year and I are doing really well. We love each other a lot and being with him has been the easiest and best relationship I’ve ever experienced. Sometimes we just get lost in each other declaring how much we love each other (I know, I know). Well tonight as he was saying I love you, I made a joke. “Do you love me more than Lassie!?” Lassie is his dog with his ex-wife. My question was met with, “Umm … Well … Uhh …” And when he saw the look on my face he tried to fix it with, “You’ll understand when we get a dog.” So I’m seriously reconsidering this whole thing. I told him I think I deserve someone who loves me more than their dog. Am I crazy to think about giving this up? Am I just overthinking this?

A little more context: Lassie lives with his ex-wife. He hasn’t seen her (the dog) in at least six months. I think the part that is bothering me so much is: Even in your heart of hearts, if you loved your estranged DOG more than your girlfriend, why would you say that to her? Who does that?!

A: You are creating a problem where none exists. I encourage you, in the future, not to ask to be ranked against animals in the hearts of your loved ones, although I also thank you for bringing the phrase “estranged dog” into my life. Drop the subject, and stop being jealous of a dog your boyfriend hardly ever gets to see; it’s not a good look. He treats you well and you’re happy together—it’s not as if you’re getting pushed out of the bed every night so Lassie can take your place. This is a nonexistent problem.

Danny M. Lavery: Thanks, everyone! See you next week.

Discuss this column with Dear Prudence on his Facebook page!

If you missed Part 1 of this week’s chat, click here to read it.