Dear Prudence

Love Before First Sight

Prudie counsels a letter writer who found “the one” but has yet to meet him in person.

Danny M. Lavery, aka Dear Prudence, is online weekly to chat live with readers. An edited transcript of the chat is below. (Sign up below to get Dear Prudence delivered to your inbox each week. Read Prudie’s Slate columns here. Send questions to Prudence at prudence@slate.com.)

Readers! Ask me your questions on the voicemail of the Dear Prudence podcast. Just leave a message at 401-371-DEAR (3327), and you may hear your question answered on a future episode of the show.

Q. In a week or in a year meeting: I am 39, looking for the love of my life after a hard couple of years. My mother recently died of an aggressive form of cancer, and I only recently got back on my feet after a bout of unemployment. Last year, I found a marvelous job and finally met, through a dating app, a special person from another country about a three-hour flight from me. We coincide so much that we both tend to believe the other is the One, yet we still have not managed to meet in person as sudden changes in both of our jobs made us fight every day and postpone the meeting for months. We had to meet this summer; meanwhile, I lost my job, his is uncertain, and two months ago I suffered a ligament injury that has left me in a wheelchair for months. I am told it is all temporary, although it may take six or more months before I’m fully recovered. This news is very recent and I would appreciate your advice on how best to give it to him as I don’t want to lose the love of my life, yet I fear this new postponing would be the end of it, as both of us really were living with the idea we were meeting in a week or two this summer, but I don’t think I will be in a condition to as I have to rest fully, mainly in bed. How can I best approach this?

A: I’m so sorry for how painful the last few years have sounded, and I hope I don’t sound callous to what you’ve been going through when I say it doesn’t sound like there is much hope for this relationship. You two haven’t even met, but you’re already fighting on a daily basis. That’s not a good sign, to put it very mildly. I understand that the initial connection was exhilarating, and that you’re very motivated to call this man the love of your life after all the pain you’ve experienced, but if he really were, the news that you had been recently injured would not be enough to sever your connection. Tell him the truth—that you’re hurt, in a wheelchair, and looking at six months or more of physical therapy before you’ve recovered. If he understands. and is willing to wait, maybe the two of you can explore whatever this is when the time is right. If he’s not, and all you lose is the chance to fight with someone you’ve never met on a daily basis, perhaps you’re better off.

Q. Wedding guest basher: I am getting married this fall to the most amazing man, and I had a shower and bachelorette party this past week to celebrate. One of my friends attended and proceeded to bash my fiancé, his family, and my decision to get married. It was a nightmare. However, we have been friends for a long time, and I think she is going through her own issues. My fiancé wants her uninvited to the wedding (which I understand, as she made his sister cry), but I don’t know how to move forward without feeling more awful than I already do about the whole situation.

A: She can go through all the issues that she wants, but anyone who shows up at your bachelorette party and announces you’re making a mistake if you marry the man you love has officially forfeited her invitation. I’m not sure what issues you think justify this kind of public cruelty, but for the sake of your husband-to-be and his family, you need to make it clear (if it weren’t already) that your friend is no longer welcome at your wedding and that she owes you, your fiancé, and his entire family an apology. “Feeling awful” is not the worst possible outcome of this situation. The worst thing you could do is fail to defend your partner and his family from this vicious, unprompted attack right before you marry him.

Q. Not over it: Several years ago, I was spiritually and emotionally abused by a man who calls himself a pastor. We were close for years, during much of my teens and into my early 20s, and I cut him out of my life when he began telling horrible lies about my sister—and tried to publicly blame her for the fact that he drove our church into the ground through embezzlement and fraud. He has since left the area to pursue leadership at other churches with the sanction of his superiors, who are well-aware of what he has done and do not care. I am struggling to move past this and plan to seek therapy when I can afford it, and I am finding that the greatest portion of my grief, and anger, and humiliation comes from not having ever told this man that I know what he did to me and my sister was wrong. Is it worth it to contact him by letter to call him on this even if I expect nothing from him in return? Or should I remain quiet?

A: I think there are times it is worth contacting someone who’s no longer in your life to let them know you are hurt and angry over something they have done, and I think this may very well be one of those times. You know odds are good he will never respond to your letter, and that even if he did, it’s unlikely that he would suddenly apologize and take responsibility for trying to ruin your sister’s reputation and trying to control and manipulate you. Yet there is still meaning and dignity in having a long-overdue conversation where you are able to say, “What you did was wrong, and it hurt me.” If you think you are able to write an honest letter that confines itself to describing what happened and how you feel about it, rather than an abusive one (“You told lies about my sister, and this destroyed our friendship” versus “You are a monster who deserves to have bad things happen to him”), I think you should write one. Take your time in so doing; there is no rush to send anything immediately after several years have passed, and patience is a good companion to anger. But you have the right to, at least once, tell him that he caused you and your family pain.

Q. Mistaken manners?: When invited to friends’ houses for dinner, I always ask what I can bring. Generally, they say “just yourself,” or a bottle of wine/beer. Even if they say “just yourself,” I bring a bottle of wine/beer as a hosting gift, and sometimes they serve it, sometimes not, but either way is fine by me. When I host dinner, I generally do the same thing unless someone offers to bring something specific, like bread or dessert, in which case I say please and thank you. One of my friends says Miss Manners says that if someone offers to host dinner, it’s rude for them to ask anyone to bring anything, even if offered; and if hosting, I should decline all offers of help. For real?

A: I refuse to be drawn into a debate with Miss Manners. If she says not to bring anything when your hosts have rejected your offer to bring something along, far be it from me to start a feud with her. I don’t think you’re doing anything wrong, but look on the bright side: If your biggest problem is that all of your friends like to host lovely dinners and refuse to let you lift a finger to help, you have one beautiful and well-ordered life.

Q. What to do if your gut can’t be trusted?: I have recently fallen deeply in love again after suffering a pretty severe heartbreak in my mid-20s—my fiancé left me just a few weeks after my father died. It took me years to unravel all the terrible trauma of grief and heartbreak—plus there were the million terrible blind internet dates. My ex-fiancé was my first real love, and so much of the relationship I saw through rose-colored glasses. Looking back, I can see now how destructive he was and how many warning signs there were for me to take a step back. I think I thought being in love again would be easier. I’m worried that I am harsher and more prone to feel like “This is a red flag!” and “If this is a red flag, let’s break up RIGHT NOW!” than I ever was before, and I guess I am asking: How does one tell if something is an actual issue or if something is a reaction to past trauma? People say “trust your gut,” but how can you tell if your gut trustworthy?

A: I’d start by saying that if you see a red flag, you probably should break up with someone. That’s not being paranoid; that’s why they’re red flags. If you find yourself unable to trust your own ability to recognize warning signs (not garden-variety human failings, but signs that someone is likely to cause you deliberate harm), or unable to distinguish conflict from abuse, that’s what friends and therapists are for. Consult with people whose judgment you do trust and ask them how they see a given situation, if you’re not sure whether or not your judgment is still impaired from your previous relationship, before reacting. Ask yourself: Does this person generally listen to me? Am I able to treat this person, as well as myself, under our current circumstances? Do I have space, do I feel heard, do I feel like myself? If you can answer those questions with a “yes,” and hearing a “yes” from others who know you, you’re doing just fine.

Some things, by the way, that fall into the category of “always an actual issue, regardless of previous experience,” include: trying to isolate you from your friends and family; name-calling; pressuring you for an early commitment; controlling behavior like insisting you check in frequently or monitoring your phone and email; making you responsible for how they feel; using sulking, guilt, or manipulation to get what they want in an argument. You say you’re worried you might be too harsh with future partners based on your past experience, but there’s absolutely nothing wrong with having a clear idea of what you want out of a relationship, and moving on if you’re not getting it.

Q. What can a teenager reasonably expect from her mom?: Recently my mom and I have had a number of fights, all boiling down to the same essential question: What is reasonable of me to expect from her? I’m heading across the country for my freshman year of college very soon, and my mom (divorced from my dad, no other kids, no nearby family) will miss me very much. I know that she’s upset and sad, but she has been acting very petty and immature lately. I’m hoping you have some general guidelines on when it’s appropriate for me to tell her “Mom, I know you’re really sad right now, but you’re taking out your sadness on me and acting like a little kid, please get it together” and when it’s appropriate for her to tell me “Daughter, I’m a human with emotions that will inevitably affect my behavior, and especially in light of the highly emotional circumstances you need to cut me a little slack; expecting me to be a pillar of logic and reason is unfair and impossible.” Where is the line between those two perspectives?

A: If you and your mother both said those things to each other, you’re already doing better than 99 percent of mothers and daughters, full stop. (I’m afraid without examples I can’t get more specific.) This is a fighting time, and you’re a bit at odds with one another—you’re eager to separate and transition into a more independent life, and she’s facing an uncertain empty nest and unsure of how to organize her life now that you’re not the focus of her days. If you two can both express yourself as well as all that, you’ll get through this just fine. Fight clean and have a great freshman year. Things will be better on the other side.

Danny M. Lavery: See you next week! Thanks, everyone.

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If you missed Part 1 of this week’s chat, click here to read it.