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Dear Prudence,
My mother-in-law was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s nearly two years ago after years of begging her to see a doctor on my part. She was once a sweet woman whose personality has drastically changed into a defiant, depressed person who refuses to wash her hair, wash her hands and body with soap, or get haircuts. She will forget to eat or drink water throughout the day and refuses all medical care. I have disagreed with my husband and his sister on their level of involvement since her diagnosis. I think she needs full-time treatment to keep her safe, clean, and happy, but they turn a blind eye and let her exist poorly within the confines of her home and her ineffective husband. Last year, upon finding out she had refused food and water for three days, I left work to see her, called 911, and had her deemed unable to make her own decisions, so she could be forced to get medical attention. She was diagnosed once again with severe dementia as well as a UTI. A social worker was working with the family to have her placed in long-term care, when my father-in-law decided to have her checked out because he wanted to go out to dinner. He has not been able to get her to take any of the medications she was prescribed and she has violently turned away all of the home health care aides that are scheduled to come in to help her. I am at a loss—she is not my mother and I don’t have health care proxy or power of attorney, but how do I sit back and do nothing if her kids won’t get her help? Should I call elder care services and report this?
—Unwilling Bystander
Hell yes you should report this, and good on you for having shown the concern her children and husband haven’t. What your mother-in-law is suffering from, in addition to dementia, is chronic neglect, and it’s considered elder abuse. Your husband and his family are willfully ignorant or in denial about the level of care your mother needs, and it’s long past the time when a family meeting would have done any good. They’ve seen her go without food and water for days, lash out in violent confusion, refuse her medication, and they seem perfectly content to let her continue on that way. I’m especially concerned about her husband, who apparently lives in squalid conditions with her, and seems either indifferent to or ignorant of her suffering; he may prove a roadblock in your attempt to secure better care for her. You can call the Alzheimer’s Association 24/7 hotline to help you deal with the specifics on how best to make sure your mother-in-law is receiving appropriate medical care, but you’re absolutely right to want to go over your in-laws’ heads on this one. They sound like experts in making sure she slips through the cracks of an imperfect system, and if you don’t advocate for her, I’m afraid no one else will.
* * *
Dear Prudence,
Recently I was with my toddler in the children’s section of the library, when a strange man—who seemed he might have an intellectual disability—started trying to engage my son in play, scaring my son half to death. I politely but firmly told the fellow he was scaring my son and to please leave him alone. When I asked the librarian, she said that he has been known to attempt to befriend children in the library but has never been so bold as to enter the children’s room before. (Soon librarians surrounded him and politely distracted him away from the kids’ room and all was well.) A week later, I find that this man is now working as a cart collector at my local grocery store! He asked if he could help bring my groceries to the car (clearly not recognizing me or my son). I politely declined, but he persisted in following me out and loading the groceries. I did not let him near my son, pushing the cart myself and immediately strapping the kid in the car. Should I tell a store manager my concerns about this new hire, who, although he gives me the willies, may be perfectly innocent but have (very) poor social and/or intellectual skills?
—Creeped-Out at Checkout
While you were perfectly entitled to decline this man’s offer to walk you to your car, and to ask him not to play with your son in the library, I think you should also bear in mind that he has demonstrated no sinister intent. It seems you believe he’s a danger to children, although thus far that fear has not been entirely borne out by his actions. He should not be treated as if he is doing something wrong simply because he (likely) has mental disabilities and trouble reading social cues, even direct ones. Your son may have felt frightened, but as long as there was no real reason he needed to be, let your common sense and courtesy overrule your panic in situations where there is clearly no imminent danger. Think of it as an opportunity for you to show your son that it’s not necessary to react in fear whenever he meets someone with a disability.
Note also that you looked for assistance in the library and received it; if in the future he tries to help you to your car again, ask a manager in the moment to redirect his employee’s energies elsewhere and stress that you’d simply prefer to load the groceries yourself (rather than suggest he’s doing something wrong or harmful). Speak in a spirit of helpfulness rather than punishment—it might be better for everyone if this man were more closely supervised or utilized elsewhere in the store. Your goal should be not to get him fired, but for him to work in a way that is safest and most comfortable for himself and for others.
* * *
Dear Prudence,
My boss recently announced that we will be having a potluck lunch soon. Attendance will be, if not mandatory, expected. She is providing two main dishes (both are meat). I am a vegetarian, and it is difficult for me to be around meat products. My family and friends understand this, and do not feel upset if I bring my own meal and do not eat what they provide. I don’t think my boss would be so understanding. My friends are split on whether I should go and do my best to avoid the meat products perhaps by sitting in the back and only eating my own food, or take a stand by not attending at all. What do you think?
—Taking a Stand at Work
While I think it would be difficult, if not impossible, to center your work life around avoiding ever being in the presence of meat, what you’re proposing doesn’t sound unreasonable. Go to the potluck, bring a vegetarian dish you will enjoy (with enough to share), and politely decline any meat or meat-adjacent dishes that come your way. I think refusing to attend would be seen not as taking a principled stand but rather as an unnecessary distraction; simply tell your boss and co-workers you’re a vegetarian and leave it at that. Don’t try to engage them in arguments about the relative merits of their diet; just eat as you please and let them do the same.
* * *
Dear Prudence,
Some neighbors recently threw a party and used part of our lawn and driveway for their games for about an hour. (They used the middle of our driveway as second base.) They’ve been in our property before to retrieve errant balls, but this was different. I mentioned it to my husband, but he avoids confrontation and did nothing. I wanted to go out and say something but knew that if I did it would be something my husband would regret. I lack the wit necessary for a reply other than the “Get off our lawn” variety. Should it happen again, I’d like to have something to say that lets them know I don’t appreciate their trespassing (and failing to ask permission if is OK for them to extend their game onto our property), but that does so in a way that gets the point across without anger. Sort of, what would Maggie Smith on Downton Abbey say? Any suggestions?
—Literally Get Off My Lawn
As fun as I’m sure Maggie Smith can be, Downton Abbey was a reactionary fever dream about a family clawing to stay at the top of a financial oligarchy, and I don’t encourage you to channel the spirit of an ancient plutocrat over something as petty as an hour of lawn games. Why not ask yourself: What would a polite, considerate neighbor—someone who doesn’t consider the nuclear option first—say? Consider leading with, “This doesn’t happen often, but if you’re planning on hosting outdoor games again that will spill over onto our lawn, please ask us first, in case we have plans of our own.”
Dear Prudence,
My husband’s sister, who was adopted by his biological parents as an infant, has an intellectual disability that, among other challenges, causes poor judgement and behavioral problems. We are all in our 40s. She is a single mom with four children ages 3 to 22 who lives in deep poverty. We are middle-class professionals with demanding jobs and a young son. Her disability payments were recently cut off because an identity thief has been using her Social Security number. She has no other source of income. Her parents feel that they have done all they can for her and do not have the means in their retirement to support her or take her in. We have a modest emergency fund in a savings account. Should we use those funds to support her while we fight to get her disability benefits restored? Our parents advise that we shouldn’t jeopardize our own future for hers. Also, she is black, and we are white. I mention that because I feel like our white, nondisabled privilege obligates us to support her, even if it seems like her circumstances are the result of her poor choices.
—Sister(-in-Law)’s Keepers?
I find it—let’s say rich—that your in-laws feel they have done “all they can” for their own daughter, when she is struggling to make ends meet through absolutely no fault of her own. Yes, you should do all you can to help her meet her immediate needs while also advocating for her disability payments to be restored, not out of white guilt but because she is suffering from a situation that is neither of her own making nor unsolvable. You should help her because she needs help, and because you are in a position to give it, and because she is a part of your family. You seem aware that her “poor choices” (which I fear may be tantamount to “having children while poor” in the family’s eyes) are at the least mitigated by her disabilities, yet remain reluctant to back up those conclusions with action. She did not steal her own identity, and it’s unfair to blame her current misfortune on whatever decisions she has made in the past. Your emergency fund exists for such a time as this. Help your sister.
* * *
Dear Prudence,
My former best friend and I have grown apart over the last several years. We lived together for four years, after which he got married. I believe his wife is not a fan of me (I’m a lesbian, he’s a straight man, if that matters). At first we just talked less often, and he didn’t show up at as many get-togethers. Now he doesn’t reply to any of my texts or calls, including happy birthday messages. After several years of increasing radio silence, I posted something in favor of gun control. My former best friend comes out of nowhere and posts an incredibly long comment, starts arguing with my other friends, and generally behaving like a jerk. Is it time to unfriend him? I feel like this would be cutting off my last chance of knowing anything about his life. He was like a brother to me for years. However, I’m getting the feeling that ship may have already sailed.
—Time to Move On
Unfortunately, I have the same feeling—he hasn’t offered so much as a “Happy birthday” in years, but he’s got time to yell at your friends on social media, which suggests he lacks the inclination to continue your relationship. However, since there’s no real friendship left to maintain, you have nothing to lose by trying a Hail Mary and asking him why he’s disappeared from your life entirely, only to reappear out of nowhere to pick a fight on Facebook. Odds are good that he won’t respond to that message either, but if there’s even a slim chance that he’ll offer up an explanation for his vanishing act, it’s worth a try. If you don’t hear anything after trying to address your puzzling distance head on, I think you’ll have to give this friendship up as lost.
* * *
Dear Prudence,
Here’s hoping you can help settle a long-standing argument between me and my parents. I live in a one-bedroom flat in which I have a double bed and a sofa bed. My parents will soon be spending two weeks with me, and they think they should sleep in the bed and I in the sofa because they’re older, although not in bad physical condition, and I owe them respect (my relationship with my mother has been strained for years over all the things I “owe” her). I think they should have the sofa, and I should keep my bed, since I work a physically demanding job and my performance suffers significantly if I’m not well-rested. They’ll be here on holidays with no schedule while I’ll still have to go to work every day. What say you?
—No Sleep
Two weeks is an awfully long time for any houseguest, especially in a one-bedroom apartment, but since it’s too late to cut this particular visit short, I’m going to rule in your favor and with any luck your parents will remove to a hotel after the first week. It would be generous of you to offer the bed to them, but it’s not mandatory, and if it would result in your grinding your teeth in resentment at your mother for every time she’s ever suggested you owe her a favor, it’s not worth the frustration that’s bound to arise (though denying her the bed will likely trade one frustration for another). While it’s polite to offer guests the most comfortable experience possible, it’s not customary for them to kick the host out of the master bedroom, parents or no. But consider this: If you know you wouldn’t rest well on your own sofa bed, it might be time to spring for a new one, or buy an air mattress, or stop accepting overnight guests.
* * *
Dear Prudence,
I work with a woman who has always been a little odd. Lately she’s started sitting in her office with the light off, except for her computer screen. I jokingly asked her why she was sitting in the dark and asked her if she was going blind. She shrugged and walked away from me. I thought she was rude and complained to a co-worker about it. The co-worker told me that this woman is indeed going blind, and the ambient darkness helps the strain on her eyes. She’s already had stuff installed on her computer to make fonts bigger, and other ADA-adaptive materials are being ordered for her. I feel horrible. Not only was I rude to her, I actually got mad because I thought she’d been rude to me—and she’d only done what anybody would do when some thoughtless idiot said something stupid to them. I went to her office to apologize, but she was gone for the day. Turns out she and I both have a few days off so I have time to figure out what to do. What can I possibly tell her that will make her think I’m not the heartless bitch I sounded like?
—Foot in Mouth
This calls for brief but heartfelt groveling. It should also serve as a reminder that, no matter how odd you happen to find a co-worker, jokes about blindness are never necessary (and are possibly in violation of the Americans With Disabilities Act). Keep your apology brief—I’m sure she doesn’t want you to castigate yourself every time you’re in the same room together—but sincere. Tell her that what you said was rude and totally inappropriate, and you’re very sorry to have made such a clumsy joke at her expense, and you won’t ever do anything like that again in the future. While you’re at it, apologize to the other co-worker you initially complained to, saying that you never should have brought the issue up with her in the first place.
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