Dear Prudence

Defenseless

My husband beat me and our daughters, and I never left him.

Danny M. Lavery
Danny M. Lavery

Photo illustration by Slate. Photo by Sam Breach.

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Dear Prudence,
I was abused by my husband for our entire marriage. He was an alcoholic with a hair-trigger temper: Anything from not making his hamburger the right way to losing the remote could make him fly off the handle. He didn’t hit our girls until they got older and tried to intervene. When my eldest was 14, she got knocked out trying to protect me, and my youngest ran across the road and called 911. The police came. My eldest had a concussion and a broken arm—in the hospital, she begged me to press charges against their father and go away with them. I didn’t. Child protective services got involved, and all attempts at reconciling the family failed. My daughters refused to see their father after this and loudly tried to provoke him every time we went to court. They both ended up staying with their English teacher until they graduated high school. I rarely saw them. They told me that I needed to choose, and I didn’t choose them. I follow them on Facebook: One went into the military, and the other is a successful translator. Their father died a few years ago, and they did not come to the funeral. I have since been in therapy and started rescuing dogs. I want to reach out to my girls again. I am afraid they will still be angry at me for my abuse and silence. Do you think there is any hope?

—Reconciliation Holdout

Importantly, I think there is great hope for your daughters. They sound like they were finally able to get away from their violent home and develop lives untwisted by daily abuse. I hope they are successful and content and able to give and receive love in their new lives. But I’m not optimistic there is much hope for you to have a relationship with them. I’m doubtful you could make up for the fact that your elder daughter begged you from a hospital bed to press charges against the man who beat all of you, and you stayed with their father even after the state took your children away. You were suffering at his hands too, which does not entirely justify your choices but does, if nothing else, put them in context. It’s good you are in therapy, and I hope it is helping you see that “all attempts at reconciliation failed” because reconciliation was at that point neither desirable nor possible; you cannot “reconcile” a battered child with her abusive father if he is unrepentant and has suffered no consequences for his actions. That you pursued reconciliation with the man who put your daughter in the hospital is a betrayal that may not have softened with time. I’m worried that you don’t say you want to apologize to your children but to “reach out.” If you want anything more than to apologize profusely and full-heartedly to your daughters for failing to protect them, then you will have no way of reaching them at all.

I hope you can try to do more good in the world. I hope you are able to build a life with meaning and value in it. I hope you find joy and companionship with the dogs you rescue and are able to forgive yourself for your past actions and find relief from your past suffering. I hope your daughters can find peace. But I hope they do not have to hear from you again if it brings them pain, unless it’s to hear you say, “I’m sorry,” without expecting anything in return.

* * *

Dear Prudence,
I am an atheist, as is my husband of 10 years. I am fairly live-and-let-live, but he mutters derisive comments when he sees cars lined up on Sunday by the local churches. Recently, I have been thinking a lot about how to find greater meaning in life. I’m still an atheist, but I am seriously considering attending Quaker worship (I like the way they worship, as well as their philosophy) to see if it’s for me. There is a liberal meeting close by, and I think they’d accept an atheist. The problem is how to approach my husband. He won’t like it. He won’t understand it. I suspect it will not be a pleasant conversation. To be clear, I don’t want him to go to church, nor would I take our kids. I just want to know how much I’m required to justify myself in this. Do I just go and refuse to discuss it if it gets hairy?

—Church vs. Spouse

You don’t say that your husband will try to prevent you from going, merely that you’ll have to have an unpleasant conversation with him. I think it’s worth having an unpleasant conversation. If you’d like to have a bit more tradition or ritual or some variety of spiritual experience in your life, you should be able to talk about it with him, even if you don’t expect a good first reaction from him. You don’t have to justify yourself to his satisfaction, so don’t allow him to draw you into an endless argument where you’ll be allowed to go once you’ve sufficiently “proven” your reasoning to him. You’re interested in taking a look at Quaker services—you’re not joining anything and, as you already pointed out, there are several branches of Quakerism (Universalist and Nontheist in particular) that welcome and affirm atheist fellowships, so it’s not even as if you’re doing anything inconsistent with your beliefs. (For the record, I think it’s just fine to do things that aren’t perfectly consistent with one’s beliefs, every now and again. It gives one’s beliefs a nice airing out.) Tell him that he doesn’t have to like it, but you’d appreciate if he could keep himself from making derisive comments every time you attend a service—contempt does not create a welcoming atmosphere for love to flourish, and as his partner, you should be able to share your ideas and thoughts with him without cringing at the prospect of mockery.

* * *

Dear Prudence,
I’m a bisexual woman, and I’ve been dating a really wonderful woman for the past two years. We’re discussing moving in together. Last week, while discussing old relationships, I admitted that for a few years in college, from 19 to 21, I had a “sugar daddy.” He was 18 years older than me and lived across the country, but he traveled for work, often visiting me one or two weekends a month. We took vacations once or twice a year and had a lot of fun in and out of bed, and I received some expensive gifts and a monthly “allowance.” I felt no pressure from him, he rescheduled trips if they interfered with something I wanted to do without him, and we parted on very good terms. It was an interesting period of my life that I have no desire to repeat but still remember fondly. My girlfriend’s reaction was one of shock and horror, however. She insists that I was taken advantage of (everything was very enthusiastically consensual), he was a predator and a pedophile, and I need to see a therapist because I’m not upset over my relationship with him. She’s brought this up multiple times a day since I told her, and I seriously regret ever mentioning it. I only revealed so many details because she pressed. What can I say to get her to drop this subject?

—Girlfriend Insists I Was Abused

Let’s begin by clarifying an important point: By absolutely no stretch of the term, legal or otherwise, is a man who dates a 19-year-old a pedophile. Your relationship with this man included a fair imbalance in the power dynamic, to be sure, one that had a clear exchange rate between your youth and his wealth, but that’s not inherently predatory. You were legally an adult, he treated you well, and he respected your boundaries—something your girlfriend now, ironically, is showing herself incapable of doing. Do not allow her to reframe your experience as abusive. The dynamics of that relationship clearly make her uncomfortable, but rather than be honest about her own discomfort, show interest in how you how you felt about it, and, God forbid, actually listen, she has decided everything for you. It’s insidious for her to declare you need therapy to see that she’s right and you’re wrong. You need to tell her definitively that you don’t regret that relationship and that you entered into it as an adult and enjoyed yourself. If she continues to insist that you do not remember your own history accurately or are not the best arbiter of whether you consented to something, then she is not the right person for you.

* * *

Dear Prudence,
I moved into a new place this year and have developed a serious crush on my next-door neighbor (we are both guys: I am gay, and he is straight). Over the past few months we have become friends, and he often invites me to hang out, and we get along well. I have just about gotten past the blushing, tongue-tied stage of the crush but still have strong feelings that I know are unrequited. I don’t think that I could ever tell him how I really feel without risking our friendship, and I would never dream of making a move on him. The longer this goes on the more uncomfortable I feel. I enjoy our evenings together a lot and worry I am taking advantage somehow by accepting his invitations when he is clueless about how I really feel. Should I stop seeing him?

—Cut Contact With Crush?

That all depends on your capacity for suffering and how long it usually takes you to outgrow a crush. I’ve had some lovely friendships grow out of my one-sided crushes on straight girls once my feelings wore themselves out, but I’ve also had to end a friendship when it became clear the friend in question was never going to stop asking, both verbally and otherwise, “Will you go out with me, maybe, possibly, someday?” If you’re skin-crawlingly miserable and aching with longing every time you two share a couch (and see no sign of this changing anytime soon), consider declining more of his invitations and restricting yourself to the occasional friendly chat outside your door. If, however, you genuinely enjoy this platonic friendship, are completely clear on the fact that he’s straight, and know that eventually you’ll get over your crush, then carry on, and good luck getting over your feelings—that old enemy and scourge of mankind—with all possible speed.

* * *

Dear Prudence,
This weekend on vacation I ended up fighting with my fiancé and told him I thought we would be better apart. The thing is that I don’t know if it’s because I’m depressed (we’ve had a really tough year—he lost his job and went back to school, while I am in a challenging doctoral program) or because it’s really time to part ways. We talk about our issues, and whenever I wasn’t depressed his support, love, and encouragement made my heart happy. Now I feel separated from everything in my life and think that maybe I should separate from him too. It’s not like there’s anything wrong with him or that he’s an awful person (he’s actually a wonderful person). It’s just that I feel “meh” about everything. Complicating factor: He’s planning to ask me to marry him in August.

—Depression and Romance

Based on an admittedly limited amount of information, I think it sounds more like you are depressed and in need of support than you and your boyfriend should break up. You say there’s nothing wrong with your relationship and that it’s only your depression, not his behavior or your changing view of him, that makes you feel isolated and like you’d rather be apart. I wonder if you’re getting the support you need—you say you’re depressed but mention nothing about a formal diagnosis or whether you’re getting professional help. It may be that you need to speak to a doctor and consider talk therapy, medication, and/or some other form of treatment for depression in order for you to make the best possible decision about your relationship. You say you feel “separated from everything in [your] life,” which is a pretty clear-cut sign of depression. Before you break up with your boyfriend (and you still, later on, might decide to!), please seek help for this general sense of alienation and isolation. You shouldn’t have to feel this way alone. In the meantime, hold off on any engagements. There’s no need to make any big decisions just now.

* * *

Dear Prudence,
My mother is truly unhinged. After my dad died, my mom sold their condo and moved in with us. It’s been more than seven years now. She hates my husband and has always had issues with co-workers, neighbors, friends, and family members. Her own sister hasn’t spoken to her in 25 years. I’m an only child, so I’ve always felt I have to just suck it up and deal, but her narcissistic ways have caused me to hate her behavior and, truthfully, to hate her. Mom is a young sixtysomething but extremely lazy and rarely leaves the house.

Recently, one of my aunts told me that my mother seems to be obsessed with the idea of having my husband arrested. If he so much as drops a glass and curses in frustration, she’s going to call the cops and report him for violence (the last thing he could ever be). My husband and I are understandably horrified. I appreciate my aunt’s giving me a heads up, but honestly she’s tied my hands. I can’t confront my mother about this without throwing my aunt under the bus for telling me. Part of me thinks I should just confront my mom and let the chips fall where they may, especially since my family knows that she is irrational, but everyone just seems happy to let me and my husband drown under her emotional weight. I could really use an objective opinion.

—My Hands Are Tied

Stop living with your mother. You do not have to live with your mother because your father is dead. You do not have to live with your mother because you are an only child. You do not have to live with your mother because no one else in your family wants to deal with her. You do not have to live with your mother. So stop living with her. Right now.

Of course you can tell your mother that you’ve heard about her plan to try to have your husband arrested on a false claim. Why on earth would you want to keep that a secret? If this behavior were completely out of character, I might recommend speaking to a doctor about her sudden emotional change, but this sounds fairly in keeping with her pattern of sowing discord and stirring up conflict wherever she goes. Don’t stop at confronting her and letting the chips “fall where they may.” Place the chips in a very specific location. Don’t just have it out over this latest plan; tell her to move out. Give her 30 days, or whatever she’s entitled to as a tenant in your state, but tell her she’s got to clear her stuff out and go. You and your husband are not obligated to live in fear and misery just because your mother likes causing it. You have a bad roommate who happened to give birth to you. Kick her out.

* * *

Dear Prudence,
My boyfriend and I have been seeing each other for about eight months. It’s going really well. His divorce will be finalized soon (they’ve been apart for six years), but his therapist keeps telling him not to introduce me to his teenage daughter. I’ve met her briefly, where I was introduced as his friend, but she’s reached out to me on social media because the conversation we did have was wonderful. She and I share many of the same hobbies, and she’s looking for a mentor. I hate keeping my relationship with her father secret, and I’m hoping when the judge signs the paperwork it will no longer have to be, but in the interim, how do I approach her and my boyfriend? I like the daughter a lot, if that adds anything. She’s a good kid with a good head on her shoulders. I think she can handle her dad dating. Her mother does it a lot.

—Ready to Be Introduced

That’s great that you think this girl can handle her father dating, but since you’re not her parent, it’s not your call to make. Even if you’re right, it’s still not your call to make. Her mother could have 10,000 boyfriends, every one of them 8 feet tall and named Daniel Webster, and it still wouldn’t be your call. You should tell your boyfriend that his daughter has gotten in touch with you and that you two have talked and ask for him to schedule an official meet-and-greet, because “Surprise! I’ve secretly been friends with your daughter this whole time” is not a great way to add trust to a relationship.

* * *

Dear Prudence,
There’s no polite way to say this: We have a co-worker in our open-plan office who picks his nose and eats the result. Very visible and very often. What makes this even worse is the fact that he has grabbed and eaten food with his hands in the shared kitchen afterward. How can I address this professionally? I have played out all the unprofessional scenarios, but I need a cooler head.

—Booger-Eater

There’s something brisk and bracing about coming across a clear-cut problem with a direct solution, like jumping into a glacial lake. There is no way to address this professionally, because this is not a professional situation. You, a human adult, are going to have to use the word booger in the workplace, and I am sorry for that. But the time for delicacy has passed. Take your co-worker aside and tell him that his daily nose-picking regimen is visible, unsanitary, and unappealing, and that he needs to stop it immediately. There’s nothing keeping him from keeping a box of Kleenex at his desk or dipping discreetly into the restroom, just like everybody else. If he continues it even after this, talk to his boss and to HR—this is not a situation that calls for suffering in silence.

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