Every week, Mallory Ortberg answers additional questions from readers, just for Slate Plus members.
Q. Curiouser and curiouser: I was a late bloomer. I didn’t have much of a sex drive until I was in my early 20s, and I didn’t have sex of any kind until I was 27. The man who received this honor is still my boyfriend. Three years later, we live together and are happy.
However, over the past six months, my sex drive has skyrocketed, and I find myself increasingly attracted to women. I’ve told my boyfriend about it, and he’s said if it’s something I want to explore, he will be supportive. I do not love my boyfriend any less, and I’m concerned about the emotional repercussions.
How do I explore this newish part of my identity without jeopardizing a still-great relationship? What’s more, do I have the right to express my desire that he not sleep with anyone else? At least not immediately? Is that too selfish?
A: You explore it carefully, taking things slowly and communicating often. The setup you’re suggesting, where you consider sleeping with (and dating?) other women, but he remains monogamous, is only selfish if your partner is unhappy with the arrangement.
It sounds like he’s supportive right now, and I think you should continue to check in with each other and get very clear feedback on what both of you want out of this new arrangement. If he decides he wants the same hall pass you’ve been given, you don’t have to like it, but you do have to listen to and give fair consideration to his desires, just as he’s listened to yours.
You two will have to decide what setup works for the both of you, how you want to communicate about other possible sex partners, what you are and aren’t comfortable with, and what you do and don’t want to know about. There’s nothing wrong with opening a relationship slowly. Good luck!
