Every week, Mallory Ortberg answers additional questions from readers, just for Slate Plus members.
Q. Guilt book club: I am a woman who is married to another woman. As a staunch Catholic, my mom is opposed to this and does not recognize our marriage. She is still kind to my wife and me but embarrassed and nonplussed by our relationship. Additionally, she cannot understand or accept why I left the Catholic Church. I am content with my agnostic beliefs, but she is very upset by them.
She has given me some books to read about why her religion is true that are written by people that were once nonbelievers. I love to read, but I am not interested in the least in reading these books. I do feel guilty because at one point she asked me for books about homosexuality, and I gave her some, and she read them and shared her comments.
I am pretty sure I won’t read the books she lent me, but should I lie and say I did, or should I just flat out tell her that I refuse to read them?
A: I think the books are an unnecessary distraction from the conversations you and your mother ought to be having.
If you two genuinely care for each other and are able to have some sort of a relationship, I think you should be honest about your beliefs, rather than try to argue by proxy through a book club neither of you really wants to join. Rather than send written arguments back and forth, why not tell your mother about your experience? I can’t pretend these conversations will be easy, or that you won’t both feel vulnerable and exposed, maybe even threatened by how different your beliefs are, but there are fewer opportunities for misunderstanding when you speak directly about your worldview and values than if you try to use books to make your point.
If she doesn’t understand why you left the church, ask her if she’d be willing to listen to what it was like for you, why you’ve become an agnostic, and how much your wife means to you. Hopefully, when you say your mother “interrogated” you, you don’t mean she tried to bully or force you into defending yourself; I’m inclined to think that she, on some level, deeply desires to understand you and wishes she could ask you more about why you see the world so differently than she does.
You may ultimately decide that these conversations are nonproductive and back off; it’s possible that you and your mother will always have a slightly distant-but-cordial relationship in order to protect you from constant questions about your sexuality, marriage, and religious beliefs. But I think it’s at least worth trying to speak directly with her.
