Every week, Mallory Ortberg answers additional questions from readers, just for Slate Plus members.
Q. Don’t want to out my ex: My first major relationship ended when my girlfriend realized she was asexual, after we’d been together for several years. (We were both each other’s firsts.) We’ve remained close friends, and I’m in the beginnings of a new relationship with a mutual friend of ours. I don’t want to out my ex, but it also feels strange that I’m unable to be candid about past relationships in the beginning of a new one, especially since this was a significant event in my life and relates pretty directly to my thinking about intimacy in a relationship now. Where’s the line for what’s appropriate to share? I can keep things vague—“We found we weren’t romantically compatible” or something like that may do for a while. But if she infers the specifics, have I said too much?
A: I don’t think most people will infer “She was asexual” from “We weren’t romantically compatible.” Your answer is clear without divulging overly personal information or being maddeningly vague is a great line, and you should keep using it. If your new girlfriend presses for details, I think you can mention that you had a higher sex drive than your ex without divulging her orientation or giving away more of the details of her personal life than you’re comfortable with.
