Dear Prudence

I Won’t Be Your Father Figure

My boyfriend raised my twins but won’t let them call him “Dad.”

Danny M. Lavery
Danny M. Lavery

Photo illustration by Slate. Photo by Sam Breach.

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Dear Prudence,
When I met my boyfriend (who doesn’t have kids) four years ago, my twins were only 1. He is a wonderful guy and the only dad they’ve ever known, and we’re in it for the long haul. Here’s the problem: He absolutely refuses to let them call him “Dad” or “Daddy.” They call him by his first name, but refer to him as “my dad” (which he doesn’t mind). However, they often ask if they’re allowed to call him “Dad,” and he won’t let them and won’t really explain why. I know he loves them, but it makes my kids sad that they can’t call him by what he means to them. When I asked my boyfriend, he said he prefers to be called his real name. What should I do?

—Just Jim, Thanks

If it’s simply a matter of preference, I would think your twins’ desire to call the only man they’ve known as their father “Dad” would win out over your boyfriend’s wish to go by his first name. The fact that he absolutely refuses to budge suggests to me there’s something more to his resistance. That’s not to say he’s secretly planning to abandon your family or doesn’t love your children, but I do think it merits further conversation between the two of you, without the children present. Given that they want to call him Dad, and he’s clearly taken that role in their lives, why would he want to refuse them? If there is an underlying concern about his place in your family, or if he’s deeply attached to the idea of biological fatherhood, you two can address this together, and hopefully put his fears to rest. If it stems from a reluctance to think of your children as a part of his family, you might have bigger problems.

* * *

Dear Prudence,
I am a 32-year-old owner of a small company with a handful of employees. One of my employees, “Laura,” wears her hair in an extremely tight ponytail every day. I have noticed that Laura has a significantly receding hairline and thinning hair around her face, probably due to traction alopecia, a condition where hair loss is caused by overly tight hairstyles. If traction persists, the hair loss can be permanent, but it can also be halted or reversed in early stages by changing hairstyles. Many women are not aware that hair loss can be caused by tight hairstyles, and I believe that Laura may not have this information. Is there a tactful way I can share it with her? For reference, Laura is Mexican American and I am white, and her tight ponytail is a popular hairstyle among Mexican American women her age. I don’t want to seem to be critiquing her cultural hair choices. Laura and I are close and friendly, and we chat several times a day.

I’ve thought about doing something subtle, like wearing my hair in a tight ponytail one day and then taking my hair down and commenting to her that I make sure to give my hair a “rest,” to avoid baldness and receding hairline caused by tight ponytails. Is that weird or too subtle? I would feel badly if she experienced permanent baldness because I never alerted her, but for all I know she doesn’t even mind her receding hairline. I also don’t want to make her self-conscious at work.

—Hairy Situation

The Serenity Prayer is a popular mantra used by people in recovery that runs something like this: May I be granted the serenity to accept what I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. I wish for you an added dose of serenity and wisdom. You have spent more time obsessing over your employee’s hairline than I have spent on entire relationships. There is no polite way you can tell your employee you believe she’s developed traction alopecia through “a popular hairstyle among Mexican American women her age.” It is not your business. You are her boss, and she is your employee; her hairline does not affect her ability to do her job and therefore does not fall under your purview.

Your idea to mimic her hairstyle and ostentatiously take your hair down in front of her desk is, to put it mildly, not good. You ask if it is weird or too subtle—I offer you a resounding Yes to the first and a more resounding No to the second. Do not do this. It would be creepy and inappropriate and make Laura feel deeply uncomfortable. You have no idea if she has thinning hair because of genetics or tight ponytails or any other number of reasons, and there is no reason for you to feel responsible for the possibility of her going bald. Surely there are more pressing matters for you to concern yourself with. Focus on running your business, and whenever you interact with Laura, maintain strict eye contact.

* * *

Dear Prudence,
Two months ago, my husband and I had our first baby. It’s exhausting and wonderful, but here’s the problem. I notice that sex doesn’t feel the same. I’ve gotten “looser,” and I practically had to force my husband to admit that he notices a difference, too. This is devastating. My entire life I never enjoyed sex, until I met my husband. Our sex life was amazing, and I finally felt what everyone was talking about. Now, it just feels like nothing. When I talk to my friends, they call him a jerk and say that he should “appreciate” that I made him a daughter. My doctors, too, seem to blame my husband for saying something so awful, but no one actually admits that childbirth does stretch you out. It’s not a matter of emotions or “understanding.” Friction is friction. 1) What do we do? I want our sex life back. 2) Why do no mothers/doctors talk about the effects of birth on the vagina? 3) Why does everyone blame the husband? Please help.

—Childbirth Ruined Sex

If you tell your doctor you have concerns about your sex life after childbirth and their response is to say your husband is a jerk, you should find a different doctor. I am not qualified to tell you the long- and short-term effects of childbirth on your body, or whether Kegels or various medical treatments would be more helpful. But your doctor(s) are. As long as you are making clear that this issue is important to you, not just him (you are, aren’t you?). Two months is not that long for your body to have recovered from something as physically traumatic as childbirth. What I am qualified to do is advise you to find a better gynecologist, one who listens to you and takes your concerns seriously.

* * *

Dear Prudence,
I am about to make an offer on a house. However, this past weekend, unrelated to the property, a teenager died in a car crash that began some yards away and ended on the driveway. I’ve driven past the property several times now, and there is always a small crowd of people, and a roadside memorial is developing (balloons, stuffed animals, candles, crosses, etc.). I have sympathy for this teen’s family and friends, but I find these memorials to be tacky and inappropriate, especially on private property, and I don’t want one at the entrance to my home. My agent thinks it will lessen with time, and I’m sure she’s eager for the sale to happen. I understand what these memorials mean for the grief-stricken, but my own view is that this is what cemeteries are for. Should I go back to square one on the house-hunt, or am I being an irredeemable grouch?

—Get Off My Lawn

The aesthetics of a roadside memorial aside, I don’t think there’s anything inappropriate about commemorating the site of a recent, tragic death. That’s where someone died, and that’s where her friends and family want to acknowledge her passing—it’s not as if she died of old age in a hospital. Her life was cut dramatically short on a public road, and it makes sense that friends and family would acknowledge it outside of a cemetery. It’s only been a few days since the accident; most roadside memorials don’t stay up longer than a few weeks, and there’s no guarantee that if you bought a house elsewhere, no one would ever die in front of it, with all the attendant candles and balloons that might ensue.

Your question, fundamentally, is “Should I buy another house because there are some balloons out front that remind me of death?” I don’t think that’s necessary. I also don’t think you should try to have any of the commemorative objects removed (you don’t ask if you should, but something tells me you would at the least consider doing so). If you were to buy that house, and the memorial remained on the edge of your property for a few days or weeks, you might have the right and the ability to have it removed, but just because you can do something doesn’t always mean you should.

* * *

Dear Prudence,
Any suggestions on how to tell my mother that I do not want her at my wedding? She has been a mean and manipulative alcoholic my entire life. I finally stopped talking to her about two years ago after she caused serious legal troubles for my sister. Around the same time, I graduated with my master’s degree, and she didn’t show up to the ceremony because she was too busy at an AA meeting. She emails me once in a while to say she loves me, and it breaks my heart, but I don’t want to risk inviting her and have her not show up, or show up and get drunk and vicious. She has never been able to act right at major functions. She has not given me any reason to believe that she has gotten sober and stayed sober. Please help! I haven’t even told her that I’m engaged.

—Estranged and Happy

I have good news, inasmuch as you’ve already accomplished what you’re asking me for help with. You don’t speak with your mother, she’s not aware that you’re engaged, and presumably therefore she doesn’t know you’ll be having a wedding soon. You may or may not be able to make some kind of peace with your mother in the future (depending on her continued sobriety), but you’ve decided you’re not ready to risk having her at your wedding, which is entirely reasonable. You don’t have to tell her you’re engaged, and by simply continuing not to talk to her, you’ll achieve your goal of not having her at your wedding. There’s no need to have a separate conversation informing her that she’s not invited, although you can make it clear to your extended family members who might question that she won’t be in attendance. All you have to do now is focus on your wedding day and making sure the people who love you and treat you well are there.

* * *

Dear Prudence,
I work in a small group of about 10 people within my company. Every couple of months someone’s birthday comes up, and my boss and co-workers want to go out to lunch to celebrate. Each individual foots a portion of the bill. Though I enjoy my co-workers, I am uninterested in dining out with them. I have a history of very severe eating disorders, and these outings just cause a tremendous amount of anxiety for me, since I feel like I lack control. I would be much happier munching away on my lunch brought from home. I also do not wish to have my birthday celebrated in such a manner (or at all). Is there a tactful way to decline these outings without making it seem like I don’t like and appreciate my co-workers?

—Rather Eat at My Desk

It’s difficult in small departments to escape these kinds of communal events, especially if your co-workers are close with one another, but you can always claim to be too swamped with a particular project to make it to someone’s birthday lunch. Hopefully they have the social IQ not to insist, but if these semi-occasional celebrations are an important part of office socialization, you might want to consider attending one or two a year. Perhaps knowing which ones you want to attend in advance and being able to plan ahead would help you maintain a sense of control. That’s only if you feel up to it, of course; I don’t think “getting birthday lunches” is a necessary component of a healthy office life, and it’s not something you should force yourself to do if it means risking your mental health. When it comes to your own birthday, however, you should feel perfectly free to keep the date to yourself. Lots of people aren’t keen on celebrating their birthday at work, and there’s no reason you can’t be one of them.

* * *

Dear Prudence,
I’m a 20-year-old lesbian (no girlfriend, yet). Last month I came out to my parents, who were totally supportive. My grandparents are a different story. They’re very religious, and when my older cousin came out to them, they cut her and even her parents out of their will and stopped speaking to them. If it were just me, I’d be fine dealing with their hatred, and I’d prefer not to have to hide all my future girlfriends, but I don’t want to hurt my parents financially and emotionally by doing that. They’ve said the decision of whether or not to tell my grandparents is up to me. Which is the best decision, morally?

—Where There’s a Will

I think the odds of your being able to stay successfully closeted to your grandparents until the end of their lives is awfully slim, and if they’re willing to cut your aunt and uncle out of their lives for merely producing a gay grandchild, chances are good they’ll find some capricious reason to do the same thing to you and your parents at some point, even without knowing you’re gay. Go ahead and come out—maybe, by some stroke of luck, it will turn out that all of their grandchildren are gay, and they will be forced to sit in furious silence for the rest of their lives.

* * *

Dear Prudence,
I became friends with “Jack” a few years ago, and we became very close (I am female). Two years ago, I was invited on a camping trip with him, his girlfriend, and a number of their friends I’d never met before. When I got to the campsite, I met the guy I was to share a tent with (“Steve’”). Shortly after being introduced, Steve made some very uncomfortable jokes at my expense, made a pass at me, and then, when I rebuffed him, told me he would “rape me in my sleep that night.” I refused to share a tent with him after that, and so I slept with Jack’s girlfriend in their tent, and Jack shared with Steve. A few days later, Jack told me that he had been trying to set me and Steve up, and that he felt I was rude for rejecting Steve and thought I should have just “taken one for the team” instead of splitting him and his girlfriend up for the night. Our friendship was never the same after that interaction, and we grew apart.

Now I have moved to the other side of the country and lost touch with Jack completely. I received a message from Jack the other day saying that he would by traveling to my city and wanted to know if I’d like to meet up. I do miss his friendship, but I am still upset over what happened at the camping trip. Was it unreasonable of me to distance myself from Steve that weekend? Should I meet up with Jack and explain why that episode (and his reaction to it) was so upsetting? Or should I just ignore the message and let our friendship go completely?

—Old Friend Wants In

It was not unreasonable for you to distance yourself from a man who suggested you should have considered being raped by one of his friends as “taking one for the team.” It would be more reasonable for you to lose his number and throw that friendship into a volcano. If part of you still wants to tell him off, you have my blessing, but please don’t do it as a precursor to reconciliation. This isn’t a person who deserves your forgiveness or your friendship.

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