Dear Prudence

Help! I Found Out My Sister Is About to Lose Her House. Should I Tell Her I Know?

Dear Prudence answers more of your questions—only for Slate Plus members.

Danny M. Lavery
Danny M. Lavery

Photo illustration by Slate. Photo by Sam Breach.

Q. Family issues: I’m going through therapy at the moment for some long-term depression and self-esteem issues, and it’s bringing up a lot of stuff from my not-so-great relationship with my parents, particularly my mother. We all get together once a week (parents plus siblings and partners—there’s a fair few of us), and I’m finding it really difficult to deal with her at the moment, and I’m wondering if you have any ideas on how to handle my feelings from long ago.

A: Give yourself permission to see your mother less often. Much less often, if that’s what you need right now. Getting together once a week as adults is an awful lot. I suggest you find yourself “extraordinarily busy” for at least a few weeks every month while you focus on therapy and figure out what kind of relationship, if any, you want to have with your parents. 

Q. Help or hurt?: I was trying to remember if my sister’s house number was 12343 or 12434 to send a birthday card to my nephew, so I Googled it quickly. The first link that came up revealed which house number was right … and that her house is in pre-foreclosure. She hasn’t mentioned this at all. We aren’t super close, but we’re not on bad terms either. Do I mention knowing this to her? We aren’t in a position to help her with payments, and I feel like I found out by snooping. She must not want people to know, but they soon will. Will mentioning it be more likely to cause stress because she was “found out” or relief for having someone to talk to?

A: I think pretending not to know something is a difficult choice under the best of circumstances. She may not want to talk about it, but since it’s easily obtainable information, and you have the opportunity to offer at least emotional support, you should say something. Tell her that you were looking up her address and learned her house was in pre-foreclosure and that you wanted her to know that if there’s anything you can do to help, you’ll be there for her. If she wants to talk about it, great! You have now reduced her emotional burden at least slightly. If she doesn’t, you don’t have to push it.