Every week, Mallory Ortberg answers a few additional questions from readers, just for Slate Plus members.
Q. Grandmother duties: I have one granddaughter, but my son and her mom split, and now my granddaughter has one half-sibling and another on the way from her mother. I am cordial but not close with my granddaughter’s mom. My son’s current girlfriend also has two children a few years older than my grandchild.
I take my grandchild on some nice vacations and pay for her to attend summer camps. I realize that her siblings are not going to get this type of experience. Her possible future stepsiblings don’t really travel and are afraid to fly. Do I stop giving her these types of experiences because the others won’t get them, or should I continue to enrich her life?
A: Oh, that is a devious little dig, suggesting that if you don’t pay for your granddaughter to go to summer camp, she will be spiritually and emotionally impoverished. I like you; you have spunk.
I think it’s fair to want to spend time on vacations with your grandchild without taking along her stepsiblings if you’re not especially close with them, but it’s going to drive an unnecessary wedge between the children if she’s attending expensive summer camps and they’re stuck at home. You can nurture a close relationship with her without making her siblings feel excluded and shabby by comparison. They may not be your grandchildren, but they are her brothers and sisters. They belong to your granddaughter’s family, even if you don’t think of them as belonging to yours.
Q. Combative mother-in-law: My mother-in-law starts arguments with my 13-year-old son frequently. He is a straight-A student and an all-around good kid. She also calls my husband regularly to argue with him about whatever she’s upset about that week. It makes family functions awkward at times. She lost her daughter to cancer a few years ago and isn’t coping well. It is also worse after she has had a few glasses of wine. Should I say anything to her about leaving my son alone when this happens?
A: I think so! I’m sorry she’s experienced loss, but that’s not an excuse for picking arguments with her teenage grandson. Encourage him to respectfully walk away or end a conversation when it becomes clear she’s gunning for a fight, not a discussion. If she won’t let it go at that, I think you can and should step in and let her know it’s not acceptable for her to goad him into a fight.
