Help! My Husband Wants Us to Visit His Home Country in the Middle East. Fat Chance.

Advice on manners and morals.
July 8 2014 8:16 AM

Heck No, I Won’t Go

In a live chat, Prudie counsels a woman who refuses to visit her husband’s home country in the Middle East.

Emily Yoffe.
Emily Yoffe

Photo by Teresa Castracane.

Emily Yoffe, aka Dear Prudence, chats with readers weekly on Mondays here at Slate. An edited transcript of the chat is below. (Sign up here to get Dear Prudence delivered to your inbox each week. Read Prudie’s Slate columns here. Send questions to Prudence at prudence@slate.com.)

Q. Cultural Clash: Prudie, please give me your thoughts on this. I am married to a man who is originally from the Middle East. He was educated here, holds a U.S. citizenship, and we’ve been married for seven years and have a child together. In the last few months he has been asking me to go back to his country of origin to visit his family and introduce me and our daughter to them. Although we are happily married and I completely trust him, I don’t want to go. It sounds ridiculous and paranoid, I know, but I fear going into a country where I have no rights as a woman, where my husband can legally (and without any social stigma) beat me, detain me, take other wives, or even take my daughter away. I want to add there is nothing in his character that causes me to consider this as a possibility—but I just don’t feel right in going. He says I’m being ridiculous and is offended I am even thinking that.

A: It sounds as if you’ve recently seen the Sally Field movie, Not Without My Daughter, about an American woman married to an Iranian physician who goes back to Iran for a visit with him and their child. What then plays out is your nightmare. But obviously endless numbers of Americans married to people from the Middle East go back and forth for family visits with nothing untoward happening. I assume among your friends are people from your husband’s home country who are married to native-born Americans who have visited and returned, their families and rights intact. You have been married to this man for seven years, so there is something disturbing about your gnawing fear that you’re with someone whose long-term plan is to kidnap you and your child. You say you completely trust him, yet you are overwhelmed with worry, so you two are at a stalemate. This is a situation where short-term therapy—say four or so sessions—can clarify what’s going on and help you two come up with a plan to address the needs of both of you.

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Q. Negligence or Get Over It?: Our child recently flew to overnight camp, and we arranged for my in-laws to pick him up from the airport. He is 12 years old and is technically allowed to fly unaccompanied but is still very much a minor, albeit a tall one! Having flown many times before, we were comfortable with the idea of our son walking alone from the gate to the baggage carousel and were very particular to tell my in-laws to be there waiting at the carousel in advance of his arrival. The arrangements seemed pretty ironclad and our son did not have a cellphone. My in-laws had several pressing errands to do and arrived 35 minutes after the arrival time, which left me terrified. I am incensed at the irresponsibility and negligence of my in-laws for leaving our child alone in a major airport. Their thinking is, “All’s well that ends well.” They are extremely responsible generally but can be late often. Clearly, this was not a time to be late!

A: Your in-laws are lovely, generally responsible people with a major flaw. I share this flaw, so while I make no excuses for them, when you are dealing with people like us, you need to be aware that sometimes contingency plans are necessary. That means you needed to alert your son that given how Nana and Papa are, he had to be prepared to chill out while he waited. I don’t quite understand your terror, Mom. Once your son realized he would have to cool his heels, he was hardly in any danger. I hope he watched the passing show, or read a book—or more likely buried his head in his electronics. Sure, he’s a minor, but at 12 years old he should be a competent enough one to entertain himself for a little while, while he waits for his chronically tardy but beloved grandparents to pick him up.

Q. Pooping During Intercourse: My lovely wife and I have (and always have had) a very active sex life. The only problem is, since the birth of our child, she has had a problem with controlling her orgasms. She routinely accidentally passes gas, and occasionally actually accidentally defecates. I never act like it bothers me at all, and to be honest it rarely does, but she gets so embarrassed and mortified by it that she often has to stop—at least temporarily. It was one thing with the gas, but the poop is a show stopper. I don’t want to make the problem worse by saying something, and I fear that the recent downturn in our sex lives (down to about three times a week) is related to her anxiety about this. It’s important to me that sex is fulfilling and enjoyable for both of us, and I’m in a bit of a pickle here as to what to do. Is this sort of thing normal? I don’t even know if it’s related to the childbirth process she went through a couple of years ago.

A: I once saw a terrific female comedian do a set on how she judged the skill of her sex partner by how much gas he squeezed out of her. I will also note that your remark that your sex life is down to only (!) three times a week since the birth of your child will have a lot of readers messing their pants. You two have great physical intimacy, but you lack emotional intimacy if you’re turning to me to figure out what in the world is going on when your wife defecates while having an orgasm and that you fear talking to her about this. Your wife needs to see a doctor right away! Losing control of your bowels is not normal, and she needs to find out the cause and how to address it. So tell her you’re concerned and she needs to make an appointment. Say you’ll go with her if that would help. And until you get this figured out, I hope at least you’ve swiped some crib pads from the kid.

Q. Re: Middle Eastern husband: I too am married to a man from the Middle East. We have gone twice in the five years we’ve been married, and both times I was not only NOT beaten/subjected to polygamy/forcibly held, but wined, dined, and exposed to wonderful people and cultures. I had some of the best food I’ve ever eaten and experienced world-famous Middle Eastern hospitality. You will love it. There is definitely something wrong with you if you are only now afraid of his family and culture after seven years. When you marry someone from overseas, I think a basic thing you are signing up for is at least visiting the old country.

A: Beautiful. I hope the letter writer reads this!

Q. Re: Negligence or get over it?: I’m sure I won’t be the first to ask, but why on earth would you not get him an inexpensive pay-as-you-go phone to take with him? Program in your in-laws’ number as well as your own and tell him to call for anything like this.

A: Good point. There’s no reason these days not to have a way to communicate—especially since no one traveling is going to find a phone booth at the airport. Also, the in-laws might have left in plenty of time, only to be held up by a flat tire or an accident on the freeway. People—especially kids—always need to be prepared for such contingencies.

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