Emily Yoffe, aka Dear Prudence, is on Washingtonpost.com weekly to chat live with readers. An edited transcript of the chat is below. (Sign up here to get Dear Prudence delivered to your inbox each week. Read Prudie’s Slate columns here. Send questions to Prudence at email@example.com.)
See Dear Prudence live! Emily Yoffe will be at Washington, D.C.’s historic Sixth & I, tomorrow at 7 p.m., for a special live event. For tickets and more information, click here.
Emily Yoffe: Good afternoon, I look forward to your questions.
Q. Office Thief: I work in a small office of about a dozen people. We often work late hours, and I usually leave a couple of sets of gym clothing in my desk. Last Friday I wanted to take some of my used clothing home after a busy week and noticed that all my (used) underwear was missing. I know I did not misplace three sets, and lots of people have been working on a big project all week. How do I bring up the subject of the theft? There are several people who have access to my desk and a couple of people who I suspect. What do I do?
A: Obviously, this calls for a kind of Agatha Christie tribunal in which you gather all the suspects around the conference table and lay out your evidence: “Dick, at a meeting you were about to sneeze and when you reached for a handkerchief, instead you pulled my thong out of your pocket. You want to explain? Gary, I found a copy of a Victoria’s Secret catalog in your wastebasket. It was sticky. Want to tell everyone why?”
Yes, you likely have a pervert in your midst, so you’re going to be looking at every guy in the office with a queasy feeling. But I’m afraid this is one of those things that you just have to handle in a preventative manner. Unless you catch the thief red-handed, you cannot confront someone about this without evidence. You could go to HR so that at the least there’s a notation about this. But I assume they are unlikely to send a memo asking that employees not steal each other’s dirty underwear. I think this is one of those things best handled privately by either storing your gym clothes in a secure place, or taking them home with you at the end of each day.
Q. Surname Child Likely to Be Teased About: My son is 4 and will start kindergarten next year. He has his father’s last name. I kept my own last name. The problem is that the last name is one that is really open to teasing because of the way it is pronounced. My husband says he was never teased, nor were his younger siblings. Do I have faith in that? Or are kids meaner now? I can’t go in pronouncing my son’s name differently at school (can I)? It’s really stressing me out!
A: If your husband has happily gone through life as Hussein Uranus, you have to take him at his word that it had no effect on his childhood. And no, you cannot bring your son to school and say Uranus is pronounced you-ray-NUSS if that’s not how your husband says it. The most important thing you want to convey is that you don’t give a second thought to your son’s name, except to acknowledge it’s beautiful. People are not meaner now than when your husband was a kid. If anything, there is more recognition about teasing. So please stop worrying about this because your son will only pick up your anxiety and wonder why your voice quavers every time you say his name.
Q. Unwanted Clothing Advice From Boss: I’ve been working at a small market research company for about three months. A week ago, my (male) boss called me into his office to talk about a client. At the end of the meeting, he said there was something else he wanted to speak to me about—specifically, dressing “professionally.” Prudie, you should see the way everyone dresses at our office! It’s extremely informal here. There is no dress code in the employee handbook. When my boss gave me this lecture, he was dressed in jeans and a polo. Among other women in the office, skinny jeans, leggings, Uggs, and flip-flops are the norm. If anything, I dress up my jeans with a blazer, heels, nice boots, and I throw in the occasional dress, nice pair of pants, or skirt during the week. The only other difference between many of the other women in the office and myself is that I am somewhat overweight and most of them are not. He told me that I need to “cover up” in the work environment. I don’t drape myself in giant sweaters or wear enormous mou-mous, but I am plenty covered up and I adhere to the norms set by other employees, including him. We don’t have an HR department because we are a small office, but I’m pretty upset by the conversation. I’m angered by the implication that slender women can get away with dressing however they want, while as an overweight woman I’m somehow being penalized for my similar, but still appropriate, sartorial choices. How should I handle this? Is it worth finding another job over?
A: One encouraging thing about your letter is your assumption that if you’re not happy, you can find another job. For the past several years, all the people I’ve heard from stuck in unpleasant workplaces have noted that they need their job and don’t think there’s another one out there. So I’m taking this as a sign of economic robustness. If jeans and flip-flops are the norm in your office, including when meeting with clients, then no wonder you are left baffled by his critique of your attire. But instead of seething and sending out your résumé (leaving a job after three months is not ideal), go back to your boss and have another discussion. Do it on one of the days you’ve dressed up and say you realize you need more clarity about his critique of your wardrobe. Say that since the office is so dressed down, you feel it would be helpful for everyone if a general dress code was spelled out. Do not mention your weight. Do not say the skinny girls apparently can get away with anything. Just emphasize that of course you want to look as professional as possible, and you think everyone would benefit by knowing how to do that. Then privately with one or two trusted friends, invite them over to look at your office attire. Get some objective opinions about what works and what doesn’t and what pieces you need to make the best impression.
Q. Part-Time Lover: I am a single woman in my early 40s who has been dating a wonderful man for the past three years. He loves me very much and I am very happy in our relationship except for one major thing, among a few other smaller things. He is several years older than me and I am recently finding our sex drives to be mismatched. I am worried that this difference will become greater as he ages. While I find myself fulfilled in many ways within this relationship, and he is happy in it too, I am sexually frustrated and there is not much he can do about it. How do I broach the topic of having my sexual needs met elsewhere on occasion, without hurting his feelings?
A: It is hard to say, “I love you, our relationship is so fulfilling on many levels, but sexually it’s a little limp. So I’d like to see more virile people on the side just for the purpose of addressing my physical needs.” Before you do that, you’ve got to have a sensitive talk about your sexual issues. If his libido is flagging, he should check things out with his doctor. You two might also find that performance enhancing drugs boost his confidence and desire. But if he’s permanently just not that into you, then you really do have to figure out what you want out of the relationship—or even if you want out of the relationship. It’s possible that in response to the idea of your getting pleasure elsewhere he could say, “What a relief! That takes the pressure off me, and you’ll be less frustrated.” He may have an opposite reaction. There’s no way to bring to up without running the risk of shaking up your relationship or hurting his feelings. But if you’ll eventually bolt anyway, then you’ve got to talk this out.