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I am a 25-year-old man facing the biggest crisis in my life as I am going to get married. My brief background makes clear my distress. When I was around 10, my female cousin (around the same age) and I used to sleep together. On one such occasion, her hand accidentally touched my thigh and felt something bulging. She asked me what it was. In my childish enthusiasm I opened my shorts and she saw my erect penis. She got excited and started rocking it saying she has been able to see my “shame-shame.” Later, in the same excitement she told all this to her mother as though it were some achievement on her part! For this, both of us got a good spanking with a warning that it is indeed shameful for boys and girls to see the “shame-shame” of one another. As I grew older, I saw the same notion being reinforced in various situations. But the situation I am going to get into demands that the shameful be considered desirable! I have no idea how a grown-up young lady reacts on seeing a penis. Pray tell me whether she would feel shameful, angry, shocked, or worse still mock at my shame-shame. How do I even face the blasphemous prospect of her having to touch it with her hand? I do not see any escape from the situation I find myself in. I would feel extremely relieved if I am able to have a response.
—Please Save Me
For most of your life you have been told that a certain intriguing body part is so shameful it’s even called a “shame-shame.” But no matter how much you were punished for your earlier explorations, society now expects that the prospect of your being naked with your beloved is supposed to make you so happy that you feel like a room without a roof, not as if the ceiling is caving in. I understand your worry about what’s going to happen on your wedding night when, for the second time, a female encounters your penis. Let’s hope your betrothed has done some homework and knows that not only is she supposed to touch you there, she’s supposed to act impressed. But it sounds as if you’re both so constrained by cultural inhibitions, you two haven’t done any premarital probing, nor talked about what’s coming up. You’re adults and I hope you and your fiancée can at the very least start a conversation about your excitement and nervousness. Maybe you will find she has a more relaxed and eager attitude than you about what will happen when you drop your drawers. Doing some homework about what to expect would help you prepare and calm you down. Here are some books that cover the basics: Sex Made Easy by Debbie Herbenik, and She Comes First by Ian Kerner. You would probably benefit from some video demonstrations, but please don’t turn to porn, as it is hardly instructional. Consider ordering the Better Sex Video Series, which is aimed at beginners. Ideally, this is an adult education course the two of you would want to learn from together. Keep in mind that despite how common it is for the young to be reprimanded for their sexual exploration, we remain overwhelmingly successful as a species because ardor generally wins out.
I’m a member of a book club of women in our mid-30s that’s been going for five years. We’ve got a good group, but there’s one member no one likes. She’s insensitive, ignorant, and rude. She contributes very little to the discussion of the book and prefers to conduct side conversations. She’s made some ignorant and mean comments regarding pregnancy that have deeply wounded some of the members who have had miscarriages or infertility issues. She used to attend AA meetings, but has been drinking heavily lately before she drives home—she even took a drink with her for the road one night. When we’ve said something about this, she dismisses us. We’re at a loss. Can we kick her out of book club? If so, how?
This extremely bad news for public safety may turn out to be good news for your book club. One member’s driving home drunk from your gatherings is more than enough ammunition to tell her that not only is she a disruption who insults her fellow members, she’s also a danger to herself and others. She needs to know the rest of you cannot leave yourselves open to the liability of providing her with alcohol before she gets on the road. This discussion should be had in person with two of you authorized to represent the group, so that she understands this is not one member’s animus. Be firm but kind and say while you no longer want her at future gatherings, you’re concerned about her escalating behavior and that you urge her to get some help. Yes, it will be unpleasant, but this is the kind of thing that happens to people who are out of control. It probably won’t be welcome, but as a parting gift you could give her a book that should be illuminating: Drinking: A Love Story, the memoir by the late Caroline Knapp about how she faced her alcoholism.
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