Help! I Want My Husband to Defer to Me in All Ways—Except in Bed.

Advice on manners and morals.
April 15 2014 6:00 AM

Man Up

In a live chat, Prudie advises a woman who thinks the bedroom is the one place her husband should take charge.

(Continued from Page 1)

A: Stop feeling guilty and have a dinner party. Clear out the roommates, and invite his parents and your mother. No foie gras or truffles, just a home-cooked meal made by the two of you to reciprocate the hospitality of your boyfriend's parents and let them get to know your mother better. Please get over the notion that only the well-to-do can entertain in style, or that living frugally is embarrassing. You are right that your boyfriend's parents don't want and won't accept your money. One of their life pleasures is being successful enough so that they can enjoy good food and wine, and even pick up the tab so that their son's delightful girlfriend can attend a family event. But your having them over, even if it's for spaghetti, will say that you are both grateful and learning to be a confident hostess yourself.

Q. Former Boss With Blurred Social Media Boundaries: My former boss at a large West Coast firm is relatively new to social media. He is a likable guy, my dad's age, with a nice family. They hosted my own family for dinner—even for Easter—on many occasions over the years, and though we've moved on, my husband and I think of them warmly. As the former manager of my old firm's popular social media accounts, I remained online friends with my old co-workers; now I'm connected to many new co-workers and friends at my new company, too. My old boss "likes" and comments on every single thing I do online. Every. Single. Thing. He's far senior to me in our field and knowing him has proved beneficial to me professionally; I don't wish to offend him or worse, hurt his feelings. But now he's friend-requested my little sister and she is skeeved out. I've noticed he does this to other former co-workers, so this isn't an e-stalking situation so much as it is a weird, overfamiliar breach of etiquette that, I guess, isn't written yet. Do I say something? If so, what? I'm freely sharing these mild, not-too-personal things, and engaging with one another is the fun of social media. Just not, maybe, engaging with every single thing, at all hours of the day and night. Oh, and several people have approached me about this—folks from my old job who wonder if he's all right, and other friends asking who the guy squatting on my page is.

A: I'd say that this is e-stalking and this Dad has discovered that with one quick "friend" request he has an endless data bank of vacation photos (oh, those beach volleyball shots!), etc., where he can indulge himself while pretending he's only keeping up with young people in his field. Please tell your sister not to accept his super-creepy request; no explanation to him is needed. This is a delicate situation for you since he likely is a reference, and he holds sway in your field. I'm not up on the latest Facebook privacy settings, but you are a social media maven, so surely there's a corral you can put people in who you don't want to defriend but whom you want to have extremely limited access to your photos, updates, etc. Cordon him in there. Presumably he won't know what happened, but if he complains he can't see your fun pictures anymore, just explain there's a new setting for social versus work friends, and don't be bullied into allowing him full access.

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Q. Re: To feeling guilty: As the daughter of well-off parents who have also been generous to my friends and husband, I agree with the advice given. Your BF's parents have made no indication they expect any reciprocity equal in financial terms, so be generous to them how you can—plan an outing to a park or a museum on free admission day, have a dinner party, or make some homemade baked goods. Write a thank-you note if you want after they host you for a long weekend. They sound like good people, and if they haven't sneered at your socio-economic status in a year, it's likely they never will.

A: I agree with everything here except there should be no qualification for "if you want," regarding the thank-you note for their paying the tab for the trip. When they take you out to a restaurant and pick up the tab, you can just thank them at the time for a lovely meal. But after they have paid for a trip, a gracious note will be appreciated by them and speak well for you. And bringing some homemade brownies when you come for dinner is a lovely idea.

Q. Professional Harassment: I am a young female just starting out in the workplace. There is an older, married man who works in the office next to me, but for a different company. I see him most work days, and we usually exchange pleasantries. We chat everyday or so, but always about professional topics. Since he is experienced in this industry, I have felt comfortable asking for his advice. He also has a great deal of sway in local business. Anyway, this past weekend I ran into him at a networking happy hour. He obviously had a couple of drinks, though I was fairly sober. He proceeded to say a couple of inappropriate things to me, and in shock, I ignored these comments (though I am now mad that I did not stand up for myself). To give you an idea, he mentioned how much he specifically likes a body part of mine, and that if he was not married, he would definitely be interested in me. Apparently he also found out my actual age from a mutual acquaintance (which is not a huge deal, but I try not to bring it up since I am fairly young for this industry), which had him practically drooling! Do I confront him about this incident? Or do I ignore it? It would be one thing if we were within the same company, but since we are not, there is no official channel, nor do I see this affecting my actual work. However, I do see him everyday, and he is always interacting with my co-workers as well.

A: So many mentors; so many creeps. Fortunately, you don't work for this guy, but you do run into him daily. I think you need to speak up. It could be he was so drunk he only has a sketchy memory of what he said. But he needs to know that he behaved totally inappropriately to you. (And don't berate yourself for being too shocked in the moment to know how to respond.) Next time you see him, tell him you need to have a conversation, then tell him that his remarks at the networking event were way out of line. Let's hope he turns red, apologizes, says he had so much to drink he doesn't even remember, but it will never happen again. Whatever he does, start a time-stamped file and record what happened at the event, what you said to him later, and what your response was. This is just a little insurance in case he decides to badmouth you. I'm hoping what does happen is that he realizes he just stepped in it, appreciates your handling this privately (for now), and steps way back.

Emily Yoffe: Thanks, everyone. Have a great week!

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Emily Yoffe is a regular Slate contributor. She writes the Dear Prudence column. 

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