Help! My Boyfriend Won’t Leave Me Alone About Having a Threesome.

Advice on manners and morals.
Jan. 14 2014 6:00 AM

Ménage à Trouble

In a live chat, Prudie counsels a woman whose boyfriend pesters her about having a threesome.

(Continued from Page 1)

Q. Re: Gun-toting nanny: I'm a mom of two young children, and I enjoy shooting (and I've probably posted on Facebook about it). But that doesn't mean I keep guns around my kids. For Pete's sake, the childcare worker didn't say she planned to carry at all times! If you like to shoot (at a range, or any other legal spot), you need a permit to carry your gun to it, unless you choose to rent, which many places don't offer. As you said, Prudie, this sounds like a responsible gun owner being penalized for her hobby.

A: Let's hope this mother doesn't do anything to penalize her. And I can't imagine a day care owner being concerned that an employee is engaging in legal activities on her own time. Other readers have said it's perfectly fine to state forthrightly that the rules of one's home include no guns being allowed. But I agree that there's no evidence this should be a point of concern.

Q. Marriage and Sex: I'm a woman in my late 20s who's been married a few years to a wonderful man that I'm very sexually attracted to. We don't have children—yet—but we do have careers, a house, pets, and lots of great friends and fulfilling activities that fill our days. However, our sexual life seems to be somewhat lacking. I enjoy sex when we have it, which is probably around once every two weeks. I tend not to be the instigator and often use the "I'm tired" excuse. I worry that I'm not fulfilling him sexually, even though we've talked about it and we both understand the realities of working full time and try to set aside time when we can. Other than this, we're very happy together. Do you have any tips on how I can feel more gung-ho about sex? How much sex should two happy, healthy people in love be having?

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A: Normally, two twentysomethings who are attracted to each find they have to carve out some time from their sex life to attend to work, pets, and other obligations, not the other way around. If your "fulfilling activities" make you too tired to have a more robust sex life with your husband, then cut back on the luge classes. The good news is that you like sex when you have it; the bad news is that you have it about 24 times a year, which is quite wan for childless people your age. It would be one thing if your Sex Point Average was exactly where you two wanted to be, but you acknowledge you're pushing your husband away with the lamest of excuses. So bring this up with him. Tell him you want to be more connected and adventuresome sexually. Say that initiating is not your style, but that maybe you two need to have appointment sex. Sure, that doesn't sound sexy, but having sex is sexy, so note it in your calendars. You make time for friends and animals, so set aside one night during the work week and one day on the weekend for just the two of you. You like it when you do it, so that should be a good incentive to do it more.

Q. Re: Marriage and sex: The author of the sex-lite marriage may want to talk to her OBGYN. Hormonal imbalance (especially from different birth controls) can lead to a waning libido.

A: Good point. Some birth control pills can be libido killers (which makes them doubly effective!). This is definitely worth talking about with her gynecologist.

Q. Forgetting Former Flames: Shortly before finishing college, I was enjoying a whirlwind of a relationship with an absolutely charming classmate, "Nick." After graduation, we went our separate ways, but had several sexually charged visits in the first year or two. We still speak from time to time. Seven years later, I'm engaged to a wonderful man whom I love dearly. I realize that I should probably stop talking to Nick, but when we speak occasionally, I don't tend to think about him as much. When I completely cut him off, I can't stop thinking about him. Is it OK to remember relationships like these fondly? Or how long will it take to forget about it? I'm excited about my marriage and would like to move forward.

A: You haven't had sex with Nick for years and you remain in sporadic, and chaste, touch. There's nothing wrong with that. Married people are entitled to their thoughts and fantasies, as long as these don't detract from the core relationship. Having a hot fling with Nick has helped make you into the sexual partner you are today—this is a clear benefit to the man you now love. You don't have to forget about Nick or cut off contact. As long as he remains just a friend in reality, his being a source of private erotic pleasure in your thoughts is strictly your own affair.

Q. A Bridge Too Far?: I'm in a six-month relationship with a woman who I really like—we have even exchanged "I love yous." However, something that has been bothering me more and more is our political differences. I don't mind differences in themselves—they help sharpen intellects and keep things interesting—but recently they seem a bridge too far. When I hear her talk about my side as if it is composed of idiots, evildoers, and other malefactors, I wonder why she would want to be with someone like me. I also wonder why I would want to be with someone who can't see that a different approach to things doesn't imply mendacity. I would love to have some help in figuring these things out and whether it's time to double down or cut ties.

A: I'm assuming you don't take offense at her characterization of your side because you've made it clear that the idiots, evildoers, and malefactors are on her side. I agree, that it's a shame that more people with differing political views can't debate vigorously, without being disagreeable, and then agree to disagree. Name-calling is a pathetic excuse for making one's case. You should tell your new love how uncomfortable you are with her characterization of your political views. Say you're happy to debate anytime, but when she ascribes your views to idiots or evildoers, you wonder why she would even want to be with such a person.

Emily Yoffe: Thanks, everyone. Have a great week.

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Emily Yoffe is a regular Slate contributor. She writes the Dear Prudence column. 

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