Help! My Husband Abandoned Us but Returns to Sulk During Christmas.

Advice on manners and morals.
Dec. 12 2013 6:00 AM

Gift of the Magpie

My husband abandoned us, but still returns at Christmas to sulk.

Emily Yoffe.
Emily Yoffe

Photo by Teresa Castracane.

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Dear Prudie,
Several years ago my husband had an affair that resulted in a child. Although we're still married and he has no interest in a divorce, he lives with the child and her mother. Our family has been shattered and my children occasionally say things that let me know they still carry a tremendous burden of hurt. But we all believe the child bears no responsibility and deserves a father. The mother of the child, however, will never be accepted into our lives. A major problem arises around the holidays. My husband insists on coming over for Christmas, but isn't present in any meaningful sense. He just stares straight ahead. He criticizes little things, opens gifts but never takes them with him, and refuses any offers of food. Nothing we do makes him happy and the harder we try the unhappier he seems. I know therapy for everyone is the answer but he's never been one to open up and previous efforts have been fruitless. What can we do to make his Christmas visit a little less awkward and perhaps even pleasant? I hate to see him so unhappy, but we're tired of having to tiptoe around him all day. 

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—Wanting a Merry Christmas

Dear Merry,
You all deserve a zombie-free Christmas this year. Scrooge had nothing on your husband with his thousand-yard stare, his nastiness, and his refusal to interact with his own children or take part in the holiday. I don’t even understand why he comes—unless it’s to make everyone glad he left. If you are able to communicate with him, you need to have a conversation explaining that merely showing up is not enough. If he can’t interact pleasantly with his family, his presence will cause more pain than his absence. More important than Christmas, however, is addressing your oversight in not making this man your ex long ago. He has abandoned all of you, yet apparently shows up once a year to play paterfamilias, an impersonation that could better be described as paterunfamiliar. As a gift to yourself, hire a divorce lawyer, end the marriage, and get your financial and custody issues addressed. Surely, your children would be helped by having this kind of clarity. I agree about the benefits of therapy, but your I hope soon-to-be-ex does not have to accompany you. You and your kids all need help in sorting out the pain their father has inflicted and guidance in taking steps toward healing. Your children need to understand his leaving, and even his strange Christmas behavior, has nothing to do with them; sadly their father is a troubled and limited man. Once the lawyers get involved, they can help work out a schedule for visitation so that your husband can establish a relationship with his children separate from you. It's likely he will take your kids to his new home. That would mean they interact with their half sibling and her mother, which I know would be painful for you. But for your New Year’s resolution, decide to work at ending this limbo and moving on.

—Prudie

Dear Prudence: Office Bra Etiquette

Dear Prudence,
I have a friend I'm particularly fond of. We're in different economic situations: She's a marginally employed single mother; I'm a single lady with no financial obligations making a decent paycheck. I'd like to help her out but am unsure of social protocols. Would it be appropriate to send a Christmas card with a check? Or a gift card of some sort? I don't want to insult her, I just want to help out.

—Santa Wannabe

Dear Santa,
For perspective on your Christmas dilemma, let's turn to a rabbi. Maimonides, the 12th century rabbi and philosopher, wrote a famous list of eight levels of charity. Maimonides highly valued the anonymous gift, which both protects the dignity of the recipient and does not encourage preening on the part of the donor. But Maimonides also honored people who give a needed gift without being asked. I know there will be readers who suggest the best thing you can do is anonymously send a gift certificate or a cashier’s check. But that would always leave you concerned that perhaps the gift didn’t arrive. And while your friend would surely feel grateful to her mystery benefactor, I imagine she would not only be curious about his or her identity but possibly also a little uneasy about whether there would ever be expectation of a quid pro quo. This woman is your friend, so I think you should take her out to lunch and talk to her about your idea. Tell her how much you admire what a wonderful mother she is. Say this has been a particularly good year for you financially and it would give you great pleasure to pass on some of your good fortune so that she can do something special for her kids—maybe dance lessons, or a weekend vacation, or the purchase of a musical instrument (while making clear your potential gift has no strings). Then gauge her reaction. If she says absolutely not, you obviously don’t do it, although you can still give the kids thoughtful presents. If she is grateful but embarrassed, you can say helping light up her kids’ lives would be your greatest gift this season.

—Prudie

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