Help! My Wife Hid Her Right-Wing Religious Beliefs Until After We Married.

Advice on manners and morals.
Nov. 25 2013 2:55 PM

Flirt to Convert

In a live chat, Prudie counsels a man whose wife hid her fervent religious beliefs until after they married.

Emily Yoffe.
Emily Yoffe

Photo by Teresa Castracane.

Emily Yoffe, aka Dear Prudence, is on Washingtonpost.com weekly to chat live with readers. An edited transcript of the chat is below. (Sign up here to get Dear Prudence delivered to your inbox each week. Read Prudie’s Slate columns here. Send questions to Prudence at prudence@slate.com.)

Emily Yoffe: Good afternoon. I look forward to your questions.

Q. Bait and Switch: I dated my wife for three years before we married. We were both in our 30s and had had all of the important discussions before we decided to marry (kids, religion, etc.). At the time, she told me she was agnostic, and not really into "the whole religion thing." Now, less than six months into our marriage, she tells me she's joined a church and expects me to join her for Sunday services. It's only now that I learn that she has extremely right-wing, religious views. After talking with some of her friends, they couldn't believe I didn't know this about her. I asked them why they wouldn't have mentioned this when they found out we weren't having a church wedding and they told me that was probably done for my benefit. Now, instead of our not wanting any kids, she wants at least five and maybe more. Instead of no religion, she wants strict adherence to her religion. I feel I've been duped and that she's lied to me about herself. Is there any way out of this short of divorce?

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A: This sounds like the idea for a follow-up to Gillian Flynn's Gone Girl, because you've got a wife who rivals Flynn's in the unreliable narrator department. In your case either your wife is completely crazy or you've decided to concoct a crazy letter. I hate to think I'm being duped, but if this is an accurate rendering of the first months of your marriage, I don't understand why you're writing to me on how to avoid divorce. Your question should be something along the lines of whether you should go directly to a lawyer or trying a stab at therapy first. I get a lot of letters about couples with differing religious views. Almost always if there is deception, it's on the part of the person who is having doubts about their faith but who doesn't want to upset the believers around them. I haven't heard of the devout who want to keep that under wraps in hopes of snagging an atheist to convert. Marriages can be annulled when entered into fraudulently—I think you've got better grounds for this than did Henry VIII.

Q. Husband's Electronic Mistress: My husband's e-addiction is taking a toll on our otherwise happy marriage. He has a demanding job and even when off the clock, must respond to a near constant stream of emails and texts. The problem has multiplied over the past few months as he's started playing a few different online games. He can't ever focus on just me and our kids. At meal times, in bed, while coloring with our toddler, or waiting in the checkout line at the grocery store, he must have one of his devices in hand to work or play his games. It makes me both sad for him and mad at him that he can't simply be happy being with our family. Prudie, is there a way to get my husband to break up with his e-mistresses?

A: This is part of the problem with the work day never ending. Not only does it intrude into one's family life, there is something utterly seductive about being alerted that a tiny bit of potentially rewarding information is coming your way. And the addition of games just makes it even worse. Your husband is hooked and it's going to be hard to get him to focus on your family. He can reply his job demands he be connected and he can point out that everyone around him is staring at their phones. (Why real people are not as interesting as disembodied messages is a separate question.) You must talk to him, so first ask him to turn off his phone and leave it in the other room. Without sounding put-upon or rancorous, tell him that a toll is being taken on your family and the quality of his relationship with his children because he's constantly living virtually. Say your family need some basic rules on electronics. One should be that none are allowed at the dining table, because that's just good manners your children need to learn. Another is making some places phone-free. Bed, for example. No matter how demanding your husband's job, he's entitled to some time off the clock so he can get to know his wife and children. If he gets too agitated being away from his phone to even have this conversation, say there's another place you'd like him to go with you where phones aren't allowed: a marriage counselor.

Q. Re: Bait and Switch: Though you haven't heard of it, there are some fundamentalist churches that encourage dating and marrying nonbelievers and trying to convert them. It's called "missionary dating" and it's a real thing. Sounds like this guy was a victim of that.

A: I know about the missionary position, but missionary dating is a new one for me. Thanks for the enlightenment about a malicious and un-Christian practice. It sounds like ample grounds for withdrawing from a marriage.

Q. Younger Colleague Needs to Cover Up!: I am a senior female associate at a small law firm in a major city. I try to act as a mentor to the more junior female attorneys when possible, but I am at a loss as to how to deal with one particular issue. One of the younger female associates has an unfortunate habit of dressing a little too risqué for the office, often wearing very body-conscious dresses and too-short skirts. I don't think it is by design, as she is otherwise quite reserved. Many people at the office have taken notice that her outfits are inappropriate, including several of our male superiors who have commented to me that her clothing choices are out of line. The way she looks certainly makes her seem less than professional, and I feel like I owe it to her to say something, but I have no idea how to address the issue without completely mortifying her. Do you have any suggestions?

A: I get the impression your male bosses are mentioning this to you as a way of saying, "Melissa, take care of this for us, none of us want to talk to Kate about her clothes." You need to clarify with them whether this impression is correct. If it is, the word would be better coming from a female partner—if there is one. Or if your company has an HR person, this is something that office can handle. But if they want you to do it, you should ask that the company draw up a dress code for men and women so that associates can know what's expected. If you have the "what not to wear" talk with Kate, get it out of your head that this is horribly embarrassing and will mortify her. You are doing her a favor by letting her know what the culture of your office is and that she will advance further if she doesn't distract from her good work with clothes not appropriate to your firm. Keep it direct and professional, and even if it's somewhat awkward, Kate should be grateful.

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