Emily Yoffe, aka Dear Prudence, is on Washingtonpost.com weekly to chat live with readers. An edited transcript of the chat is below. (Sign up here to get Dear Prudence delivered to your inbox each week. Read Prudie’s Slate columns here. Send questions to Prudence at email@example.com.)
Emily Yoffe: Good afternoon, I look forward to your questions. And yay Ravens!
Q. Can't Ask Mom About This: My 6-year-old daughter has started ... um ... "playing with herself" rather frequently. She's our only child, and we often commend her for amusing herself, but this isn't what we had in mind. It started maybe a year ago, and at first we told her that that's not something you do in the living room or in front of other people. So she started doing it when she thought we wouldn't see her, but she's not very discreet. Recently it seems have gotten more frequent, almost daily. Any suggestions for how to handle this? She's a really happy kid with boundless enthusiasm for life and for learning, and in general we're very conscious of not breaking her spirit by discouraging her, but this just seems age-inappropriate. Thanks for any suggestions.
A: If you'd just discovered that you could rip off oh, 20 orgasms in a row, you'd probably find that more entertaining than Play-Doh. This revelation has got to come under the category of "boundless enthusiasm for life and learning." What's she's doing is perfectly age-appropriate, and your response so far has also been appropriate, so keep it that way. You tell her what she's doing is fine, but it's really important to know this is something people do in private. You could say that it's okay for her to do it in the house, but only when just the three of you are there. You explain that even if she thinks other people can't tell, they can. (The panting and sweating in the absence of physical exertion is a good give-away.) If she slips (her hand in her panties) and does it at inappropriate times, you give her a look and a shake of the head. She likely won't outgrow this desire, but in a few years she will take it to her room and out of your sight. In the meantime, you and your husband can laugh about what a honeymoon night your daughter will have.
Dear Prudence: Marijuana Mentor
Q. Trust Issue: I was in a 10-month relationship with a man I love very much. Never in my life have I ever felt loved by someone. I always imagined sharing my life with him. Being with him felt so right. However, I was getting frustrated about our situation—he is still married with kids but he and his wife are separated. I came from a conservative family where everyone expected that I would get married properly with someone who is single and stable. I love this man with all my heart and I know I would commit myself to him for a lifetime. But I started getting anxious and I wanted to know if I am missing out on having that cookie cutter relationship. So about a month ago, I registered in a dating website and responded back to a man's invitation to chat. I didn't feel anything for the guy the way that I felt for my boyfriend. All the text message I sent were all platonic, and four days ago I stopped texting him. The problem was my boyfriend found the text messages and was so angry—he thinks that everything is a lie from the beginning. He thinks I have been talking to other guys. He told me that he was committed to me 100 percent but I didn't stay true to him. He also said that I made him a means to an end. And that I lied to him. I love him so much and I begged for him to take me back and forgive me. What do you think I should do?
A: Go back to the website and see if there's anyone else there who sounds interesting to you. It's interesting that your boyfriend said he was your means to an end. That sounds like classic projection, since you sure sound like his means to have some fun while he's figuring what to do about his marriage. But your relationship with him sounds so uncertain that without talking to him about seeing other people, you just decided to try it. What you've got with this supposed love of your life is a mess. Stop begging to be taken back and be glad you devoted less than a year to what's sure to be an endless drama.
Q. Skinned: My wife isn't speaking to me because I'm not outraged over the Calvin Klein Super Bowl ad. Apparently I was supposed to mimic her (scathingly sincere) anger over the use of women in ads (the DirecTV genie has actually incited the demise of one of our TVs) when one featuring mostly naked guys appeared. But I just don't care (about CK torsos or the genie, to be honest). Oh, and apparently I was supposed to be appalled by the Beyoncé halftime show, even though we didn't watch it (I encouraged a "time-out" if for no other reason than to save our remaining set). Should I lie and say that I think all of this objectification is AWFUL! APPALLING! DISGRACEFUL! Or do I try and figure out another way to chill her out?
A: Excuse me, but where was your wife during the Go Daddy ad? That was an insult to men, women, and all carbon-based life forms. My reaction to the Calvin Klein ad was to turn to my husband and say, "You didn't give them permission to use your body!" My 17 year-old daughter's reaction was—well, a quick slap to the face revived her. If your wife thought the Beyoncé show was appalling then she's beyond accepting popular culture and maybe should live somewhere where it doesn't intrude. You say your wife has actually broken a television in response to the broadcast of sexism. She sounds violent enough to be considered for a defensive position with the NFL. The problem here is not the outside world, but that your wife has a rage problem. Joining her in denouncing her triggers is not a way to deal with this. It sounds as if you need to insist she get some help or the lights on your marriage are going to permanently go out at halftime.
Q. Re: Daughter Behaving Inappropriately: Instead of orgasm and honeymoon jokes, maybe you should have suggested the mother consider mentioning this behavior to her daughter's pediatrician. Pronounced sexual behavior in children is often a sign that a child is being molested. It's an awful thing to think, but it happens far too frequently, and it shouldn't be laughed off. As a survivor of sexual abuse as a child, I just cringed when I read your flippant answer.
A: Of course parents should be aware of signs of sexual abuse. But child masturbation in and of itself is simply not a clear sign of assault. I've dealt with this issue before and heard from a few girls who have memories of humping the furniture and being told by their parents not to do it when grandma was over. I think this is something to mention to a pediatrician, who will have dealt with this before. But a happy, thriving child who has found a way to make life more fun should not be assumed to be a victim.
Q. Friend Dating My Former Fiancé: I'm really struggling to be happy for my good friend Ellie, who is dating my former fiancé Joey. Joey and I were broken up for four years before he started dating Ellie, and I've moved on and am in a much better relationship. It still hurts to listen to Ellie talk about how great Joey is—our engagement ended because he cheated on me and tried to make me feel crazy when I confronted him. I love Ellie and want the best for her. Why does it hurt me, then, because her happy relationship is with my former fiance? What can I do to get over these feelings?